New Years

I can't believe that this Friday will be 4 months since Grant passed away! And i also cant believe that this is the last week of 2011.  To be honest with you all 2011 has been the best and worst year of my life.  I have so many mixed emotions.  It was the year that i became pregnant with my precious son, bonding with him for 8 months and learning how deep and powerful a love between a child and parent is. Those moments were priceless.  But we all know why it is also the worst, it was also in that year that Grant passed away, it became the worst 4 months of my life (sep-dec.)  I thought that Grant would be with us as we began the new year 2012 but sadly he is not and i miss him so much.

I don't know what 2012 holds for me, i don't even know what tomorrow holds.  But i serve a God who does know and who has and will continue to walk with me on this journey.  Will there continue to be hard days and moments that hurt and make me want to crawl under my covers and hide?  you bet there will be, when i have those moments i know i can hold on just a little tighter to the hand of God as i face things. I also know, somewhere somehow in 2012 there will be times of joy and happiness that will come to me. I serve a good and loving God, even though i don't know why he allowed for my son to die and at times i get so angry at him for allowing it to happen,  I still know he loves me so much and will always be there for me.

 I cant fear 2012 and all its unknowns but i can embrace it, live in it and trust that God has a plan and a purpose for my pain.  I will try daily to live a life that reflects the Lord, i want to live a life that is grateful for what i do have, I want to trust the Lord, even though its hard for me at times.

So as i reflect on 2011 with a heavy and grateful heart i pray that God will bless each one of you with an amazing New Year.

Christmas in Heaven...

Isaiah 9:6-7

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.”

     It is Christmas and though my heart is aching not having my sweet boy with us spending his first Christmas here on earth, I have been wondering what Christmas will be like in heaven for my Grant. How would he be celebrating his first Christmas in his new heavenly home?  If he is anything like his daddy I can see him joining the angels and singing songs of Jesus birth, I can just picture him being the loudest one and that makes this sad mommy’s heart smile.  To be in the awesome presence of his king, knowing what perfect peace really is he will experience it to its fullest measure.  I can see Grant sitting on Jesus’s lap asking him over and over to tell him all about Jesus first Christmas and Jesus smiling down at him in love never tiring of telling the story to my little man.  I can only imagine the joy of celebrating Christmas in the very presence of the Lord and that has given me a peace that has softly quieted this aching heart.

     I am going to be honest, coming into the holiday season is hard and I miss Grant so much and wish that he was here with us celebrating his first Christmas on earth.  But he is in heaven with Jesus and as I celebrate my first Christmas without my son I will choose to put my focus on Christ.  Remembering that Christmas is all about Jesus, knowing that if it was not for his birth I would not have the assurance that I will be in heaven with my boy.  So with a heart that is still breaking I will worship the Lord and praise his name because I know my little boy is doing just the same.

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

“I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below,
with tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away that tear,
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart,
but I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones. You know I hold you dear,
and be glad I'm spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all "Love" is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most import in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
for I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.
So, have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I'm spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.”

Author Unknown

Article I found on Surviving the Holidays after Loss

HOLIDAYS--- SURVIVAL or DEFEAT?

By Kay Bevington, Van Wert, OH

Editor

Alive Alone

The forthcoming holidays are often the most

difficult times of the year for bereaved parents,

now childless.

I have some suggestions that will hopefully

assist you during this season. My husband and I

have attempted some of the following since our

daughter, Rhonda, died and others are ideas from

other bereaved friends.

YOU WILL SURVIVE the HOLIDAYS!

Those first few years of bereavement cause us

to think that we’ll certainly die without our

child/children. You may not be able to ENJOY

the holiday but rest assured that there will be a

day in your future when you’ll be able to once

again gain

some pleasure from them. It will

never be the same without your child/children

but you will learn to cope and reinvest in others

and have a life again.

PLAN AHEAD

It helps to have a plan for some of the events

that are fast approaching. Think about and plan

fort these next few weeks. Decide what

YOU

want to do and let those who are close to you

know what

YOU need. The decisions you make

will depend upon your individual circumstances.

Adult family/friends should be able to better

understand your need for change but some will

be reluctant to changes.

CHANGE

Sometimes changing where and when holidays

are celebrated helps. Family gatherings do NOT

have to be on Thanksgiving, Christmas Day or

Hannukah. Whatever religious holiday or family

holiday you celebrate these same principles can

apply to you. Perhaps your family would agree

to have one gathering this year between the two

holidays. Just because you’ve always hosted the

gatherings at your house in the past does not

mean it has to be the same. Inform your family

that you’re unable to do this and tell them you

will be having it at a restaurant this year or ask

another family member to do it for you. Having

the holiday gatherings at a different time also

permits you to ‘escape’ to a warmer climate, take

a cruise, or just “hibernate” to avoid the

excitement of these holidays. You will take your

grief with you if you plan a time away from

home but OFTEN the intensity of the pain

lessens in a different environment. There are

other bereaved parents in your circumstance who

would love to accompany you with whatever you

decide to do. Join some support groups to meet

these people.

HELP OTHERS

Some people decide to work in local food

kitchens on these special days. Many who’ve

done this say it helped them focus on what they

have and had and to see that life is often more

painful and difficult for others. It also makes us

feel so much better when we give of ourselves to

others.

Some families use the money they would have

spent on their deceased child to purchase food,

clothing, toys, etc. for an underprivileged child

or family.

DECORATING

If you feel your home needs to decorated for

the holidays but you can not muster the courage

or energy to do it then ask a friend or family

member to assist or do it for you. You may want

to consider decorating a tree for the gravesite

instead or in addition to what you do at home.

Do what is best for you and those currently

residing at your home.

ATTENDING SPECIAL EVENTS

What do you do about these special events?

Go to them if you think you’d like to but inform

your hostess that you may need to ‘escape’

inconspicuously if you can not handle it. Think

about and look for others who are having a

difficult time during the holidays and plan to

attend or sit with them. It helps to have someone

nearby who truly understands. The events are

healing for some and painful for others. You

will find that your feelings about these change

from year to year.

Let your family & friends know how you feel

this year. If you wish to attend, warn them in

advance that you will probably cry, but assure

them that it is important for you to cry and talk

about your child. Let them know that they do

NOT CAUSE your sadness. Even though tears

are shed you MAY feel better later after having

Continued on next page

HOLIDAYS continued from previous page

an opportunity to get away from home. If you

just want to sit by the fireside and not attend

these festivities then let them know that you

appreciate their thoughtfulness and that in

another year you will appreciate the opportunity

to decide once again.

GREETING CARDS

You may want to consider purchasing printed

holiday greetings now, use computer labels to

address them, and type a letter talking about your

child and your grief. Do them NOW and set

them aside until it’s time to mail them. IF you’d

like others to share pleasant memories with you

about your child, ask them to write a sentence or

two and send to you with your greeting card.

These can be placed in a stocking or a special

gift box. These messages can be read privately

or aloud at a family gathering. Tears will be

shed (which is a catharsis for us) but there will

also be pleasant memories and laughter. Some

people have used their child’s photo or last

family photo on their return address labels. I had

several phone calls and notes the last time after

using Rhonda’s photo on our return address

labels thanking us for the opportunity to see her

photo again after so many years since her death.

ATTENDING WORSHP SERVICES

Often bereaved parents will say that music

and worship services are the most difficult to

attend after a child’s death. We may be angry at

God and we most definitely feel cheated when

other families seem to be intact and ours is not.

Loneliness and unfairness are our feelings and

often cause despair. IF you are able to attend the

annual services of your place of worship you

may want to sit near the aisle or at the back so

you can have an easy escape route and not be

‘hemmed into the middle’. Sometimes attending

these services are steps toward healing for us but

each of us are different and know our own

timetable the best.

REMEMBERING YOUR CHILD

You might want to purchase a special candle in

memory of your child. Light the candle daily

from Thanksgiving through Christmas. Many

people take these special candles to the Candle

Lighting Services that their local support groups

have during the holidays. Some choose to use

the candles given to them during this service and

make a special table decoration with it for the

holiday. Either way we re sharing the love of

our child with others by lighting these candles.

Some have taken clothing of their child and

had them cut and designed for a doll or bear.

These dolls and bears can be given to other

family members and friends. Buttons from

clothing can be made into pins and given to

ladies who are relatives or friends of the

deceased. Jewelry can be melted, redesigned and

sized for others to wear. See your local jeweler

as they often have excellent ideas about how to

make new items using the good jewelry that

belonged to your child. Be creative and think of

ways that you can use the belongings of ryour

child to create something new that will help

others to remember him or her. What a

wonderful means of commemorating the life of

your child and these become valued treasures to

other family members and friends.

Whether this is your first year of bereavement

or if it has been several years since your child

died you will find that you WILL survive the

holidays You can gain some small pleasures if

you plan to include the memories of your child

in your holidays.

Christmas Wish

We are not doing Christmas cards this year but i wanted to share a Christmas poem i found with all those who read my blog.

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CHRISTMAS WISH 

The heart of Christmas is hope We need hope. We need Christmas! The New Year gives us time. We need time to grieve. But most of all to Heal. I wish you the gift of peace from an aching heart; I wish you the gift of strength for the day, I wish you the gift of recognition, I wish you the gift of remembrance, I wish you the gift of care, I wish you the gift of belonging, These are the gifts I wrap in prayer, And lovingly send your way. May the memories of this Season Come on Gentle Wings and Bring you, your family and friends Love and Peace. ~author unknown~

Empty Pages

Hebrews 12:1-3

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

The other day i went into Grant's room and i went to his bookshelf and laying there front and center was his baby book.  Throughout my pregnancy i would fill it out, knowing that one day he would read it so i wrote in as much detail as i could.  I remember a couple days after we learned we were pregnant i started writing in it, filling out the things i could.  I had to wait a couple more months to then write in his name, learning that we were having a boy! As i read through  it i found myself smiling, remembering how excited i was when i wrote in it.  Then i came to the next part of the book that was now empty.  The next part was for his baby shower that was supposed to be September 10th but he died August 30th...a baby shower i never got to experience.  My smile started to fade and fresh tears came as i got to the next pages.  It was the part in the book where you write down all the birth information, with a heavy heart i wrote down on the blank lines "Grant Thomas Moore, Born August 30th 2011 at 7:31pm Length 15 1/4 inches weight 2lb 9.4oz. Delivered by Dr. Qualtere-Burcher."  I turned the pages and there before me were questions about Grant, like first smile, tooth, rolling over etc and my heart was so grieved knowing that he would never get to experience those things. I kept flipping back and forth between the words and the emptiness, thinking of all the ways that I would have rather filled the pages.

One of the hardest things for me about losing Grant is that I want to know who he was going to be. What would he have looked like at every stage, who's personality would he have more of? I stare at his little face in pictures and study every part, i look at his hand and feet prints and memorize the patterns. I miss him.  One of the hardest parts is the entry before the loss because it seems like life is just so normal, no indication of what is just on the horizon. You want to scream at the baby book like it’s an old movie where the heroine doesn’t see the villain, but you do.  I looked at my words and I wanted so badly to be able to go to that girl, at that moment, and tell her that she didn’t need to  buy all the baby furniture and clothes and toys, She had no idea.

I had no idea.

I can’t imagine what God must have felt when we walked into a small, unfamiliar ultrasound room months ago, and the pages went blank. And tonight, the only thing I can think to say is a 5 word sentence that hurts to write.  There are times that i tell God "I want him back, Lord."   I want my Grant in my arms right now.  I’m not crazy, I know this can’t happen, not in this life. But I am crying out for my baby, For all the pages that appear blank before me…Oh Lord, why?   I kept thinking today about the symbolism of the empty baby book, telling the Lord how that image stings in it’s finality. It has been hard. I know that God is in the midst of it, as He always is, but it hurts to be without my son. But i know the Lord is wrapping his arms around me and mourning with me and giving me a special grace to deal with this horrific loss.

 It isn’t easy for me to write. It isn’t easy because it makes me think through things I might rather leave undone, and it makes me vulnerable in a way that is humbling. But, in some way that only God can make sense of, He is using  this as a way to walk through my grief and i want to thank each one of you that is reading my blog, walking alongside me on this journey and praying and loving us.  I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart for encouraging me to type on my keyboard, and to start to fill in the emptiness. To use this blog as a way to express my pain and grief but also to use it, to love Grant with my words, and to share him when he couldn’t share himself.

3 Months

Isaiah 46:4

^“Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”

     It has been 3 months since Grant died.  I can't believe it has been that long, while there are times that it feels more like 3 years have gone by.  It is getting harder and i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my son should be here with me and its hard to accept that.  I have also been struggling with who am I now that my son is dead? Once the pregnancy test showed “Pregnant” I became aware that I was now a mom.  Being a mom is something that I had been dreaming and praying about for so long and when I saw that one word it changed me to the core of my being.  For the eight months that I was pregnant I was changing becoming a new person, I was not just "Mashele Tom’s wife", but I am now Grants mommy too! It was what I wanted to be, more than any tittle I could have received, being his mommy was my hearts desire.                 

Yes I am still Grant’s mommy, it’s just different knowing that I can’t be with him on this side of heaven and do all things I had planed and dreamed of doing.  I was going to be super mom, be the cool mom.  Have the warm welcoming home that all his friends wanted to come over to.  Be the kind of mom that he was proud of. I feel like I have no identity now, a fish out of water.  I feel lost, like I'm wondering around in a wild forest tripping over the rough terrain and getting slapped in the face by tree branches as I try to find my place in this world. 

 I know that I should not have wrapped my entire identity up in being Grants mom.  I know that it is part of who I am and who I will always be but it should not be ALL of who I am.  Its just hard when you love someone so much.  I know that my identity should be in is Christ.  I am trying to daily take the steps to do so.  I researched in my bible about our identity in Christ and I came up with a list.  When i have my moments of identity crisis i try to remember the following: 

In Christ:

I am God's child  (John 1:12)

I have been justified  (Romans 5:1)

I belong to God  (1 Corinthians 6:20)

I am a member of Christ's Body  (1 Corinthians 12:27)

I am assured all things work together for good  (Romans 8:28) 

I am confident that God will perfect the work He has begun in me (Philippians 1:6) 

I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-discipline  (2 Timothy 1:7)

I am chosen before the creation of the world (Ephesians 1:4, 11) 

I am adopted as his child  (Ephesians 1:5)

I am given God's glorious grace lavishly and without restriction   (Ephesians 1:5,8)

I am forgiven (Ephesians 1:8; Colossians 1:14)

I have purpose (Ephesians 1:9 & 3:11)

I have hope (Ephesians 1:12) 

I am salt and light of the earth  (Matthew 5:13-14)

I have been chosen and God desires me to bear fruit   (John 15:1,5)

I am a personal witness of Jesus Christ (Acts 1:8) 

I am alive with Christ (Ephesians 2:5) 

I am a holy temple (Ephesians 2:21; 1 Corinthians 6:19)

I can approach God with freedom and confidence (Ephesians 3:12)

I am His disciple (John 13:15)

I am promised eternal life (John 6:47)

My heart and mind is protected with God's peace (Philippians 4:7)

I am chosen and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12)

I am blameless (1 Corinthians 1:8)

I am set free (Romans 8:2; John 8:32)

I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37)

I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Thanksgiving

It's thanksgiving day and Grant is not here with us.  It's thanksgiving day and i don't really feel thankful.... i know i have many things to be thankful for, but at the moment it is hard. I feel angry that my son is not here with us.  I should be holding him in my arms right now, instead i visited his grave this morning.  It's not fair. it is simply not fair.  But one thing i am 100% grateful for is the fact that i did get to hold my son in my arms and i got to hold his little hands and kiss his sweet face.  I may not get to have him with me here on earth, but one day when it is my time to go to heaven i will be able to spend eternity with my son.  I am thankful for the sacrifice that Jesus made for me on the cross, taking away my sins so that i get that opportunity to go to heaven and to have the assurance that i will see my baby again.

Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 " But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

It has been 2 months, 3 weeks and 1 day since my baby Grant died.  Instead of 2 mths is feels like it has been 2 years!  Even though life is passing by me i still feel like i am in slow motion, barely moving and stumbling over my feet.  My grief has moved into a new category for me and that is i feel weak and i am filled with this crushing sadness.  I have always been sad, but i had other strong emotions at the beginning which overshadowed it. 

I feel a deep intense sadness that Grant is not here and it hits me at my core and consumes me...before i was able to keep myself from crying when i was out in public but i feel like i have lost control of that emotion and it always happens in settings where i would like to appear strong.  But I'm not strong i am so weak, i experienced the death of my son, the person i felt the most connected to, the person i loved the most in the world is no longer here and it is so hard.  I am not a weak person by nature so this is such a struggle for me. 

 Hebrews 4:14-16: "So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe.  This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.  So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most."   I am so glad that God is not surprised that i am weak, he has gone before me and given his life for me, so i can come to him with my weakness and ask him to help me and when i do he does not magically take it away from me, but he gives me a new strength that can only come from him.  Its a gentle grace that allows me to walk each hard step, its the power of Christ in me that make me trust him with my life in spite of my pain,   its a confidence in knowing that he who began a good work in me will carry it out to completion, i don't know what it will look like but he does.  Its the gentle calling of his voice asking me to come to him with my pain and in turn he will give me comfort. 

The Lord has given me peace in my heart, but its not the peace that you would normally assume.  Even though my heart is crushed and i feel so weak i have a peace and a comfort knowing that my son is safe in the arms of Jesus and that i will one day see my Grant.  I have a peace in knowing that whatever may come either good or bad i have the Lord with me and the confidence to go before him with all my joys and with all my sorrows, knowing that i have given him control of my life and i don't have to fear.  John 14:27: "I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid"  

 I am reminded of a kids song i learned when i was 4 years old, even though it is so simple the words are powerful:

"Jesus loves me! this I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
they are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so."

Yes Jesus Loves me, and Yes he is so strong!  The only thing that is truly helping me on this journey is knowing that Jesus loves me and that is all i need to know! Knowing i have the love of Jesus has given me the strength and courage to admit that i am weak and that HE is strong.  His love is what let's me know every second of the day that i can make it.

7 Years

*warning this is really mushy and me being all crazy in love with my hubby*

Last Sunday November 13, 2011 was my 7 year wedding anniversary to my husband Tom.  I just wanted to take a moment to Thank God and to thank my husband for being the most amazing husband to me.  I believe with all my heart that God hand picked Tom for me...i am so lucky!  Tom is so strong and gentle at the same time, he has never once yelled at me or said hurtful words.  He is a man who loves Jesus with all of his heart, he sees the best in every person and in any situation.  He was so amazing with me when Grant died, he was always there holding me, praying for me and loving me.  I honestly hear at least 30-40 times a day i love you!  He is so talented and so smart!  And in my opinion he is the most handsome man in the world!  I could list so much more!!!!  Thank you God for showing me your love and goodness by allowing me to be tom's wife.



Moving Forward With God

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Right now i am in a weird place in my grief, I have a lot of moments where it is too hard to look forward and it's too painful to look back.  I feel stuck.  I want to be able to look to the past even though it was the most painful part of my life, it is also the most joyous time as well, and to be honest the future looks too scary to face. I hate that my future does not include Grant being alive, i hate it.  So where do i go from here, where i feel stuck unable to live in the past and to scared to dream about the future?  I need to live in the present.   I need a new perspective, a new focus.  And instead of only looking at my sorrow and heartache I need to look to Jesus and keep my eyes on Him.  I feel like Peter wanting to believe it is Jesus who is calling out to me, asking me to trust him and get out of the boat but like Peter my thoughts start to drift and i start focusing on all the grief that is consuming me and i start to drown.  Jesus wants me to stay focused on him and when  i do have those moments of doubt and i get too consumed with myself i can call out to him and he will reach out his hand and save me.
I have no doubt that if i keep myself centered in God, i will be able to move forward again.  Not forgetting my son but learning to live a life without him living in it, he will always be one of the biggest parts of life i just feel guilty about going forward, he never got a future here on earth and i feel guilty if i am happy or start to progress in my grief and healing.  But with God i cant go back and i cant stay in the same spot i have to keep on moving and growing, knowing he is always with me and he will help me take the steps to live fully and freely in Him.  It will be baby steps, but I'm choosing to take them, i don't know where they will take me, but if I'm taking them with the Lord, eyes focused on him then i know he will provide the grace and strength for the next step.

My Son's Gravestone

Isaiah 26:3

"You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you"

  Today Tom and I went to the the cemetery to watch them put our sons gravestone down.  This was a day that i was both looking forward to and dreading.  I was looking forward to it because i would always know where my son was buried, never having to wonder.  The dreading part is obvious, to me it was the reality and finality of his death. I did not know how i would handle seeing his name and date of death written in stone.
  When we got to the cemetery i saw a couple of the worker preparing the land by his grave for his gravestone.  It made me nausea's, it was something that i did not want to face but knew i had to.  I am his mom and even though i cant physically be there for him, i can honor him by being present in this moment no matter how hard it would be.  It was so cold out in the mid 40's! So different from his funeral when it was 90 degrees out!  Both extreme temperatures to match my extreme grief.
  When the workers got the gravestone out and placed it on the ground, in that moment i just felt peace, i felt proud that my husband had chosen such a beautiful gravestone for our son, the black granite sparkled in what little sun that peaked through the clouds.
  As i stood there looking at it i felt so sad, the week that Grant was to be born was the week that we saw his gravestone be put on his grave.  It sucks.  It should not be this way, i should be holding my son in my arms right now, getting no sleep and feeling so lucky to have such a sweet little boy as my son.  Tom should be rocking him in the rocker, singing to him so i could get a little bit of sleep.  So many "should have been's" there are hundreds of them if i listed them all.  It's not fair that we have to miss out on Grants life. 
  Even though his gravestone was the final act for his burial, it is not the final act for his short life.  I don't know how but i will make sure that Grant will have a legacy that his life will matter and i know that somehow God will turn it into purpose. It is my hope, my prayer that his life, his story will help people.  But if i had the choice i would have him back in a second, but i don't have a choice and i cant dwell on the "what ifs" and "should have beens"...even though i do, its hard not to.  But i need to focus on allowing God to somehow take my deepest pain and my greatest loss and turn it into purpose for his glory.

Peace among death

John 3:16

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."



  The cemetery, a place that once brought fear into my heart, i was so afraid of them because it was full of death, and death was my ultimate fear, not so much my death but fear of those i love dying.   I would avoid any cemetery at all cost, there was no reason for me to face that fear and have the reality of death all around me. Since Grants death i have changed.  I no longer fear death and i find the cemetery to be the most peaceful and relaxing spots i have to go to.  Not just because it is quiet but i feel like i am closer to my son, even though it is just his body, he is alive in heaven i know that.  But i still have that longing to be near him and going to his grave site gives me that peace.  I could spend hours there if i could.
 The last time i was at the cemetery my heart was broken, not just over my loss but for the loss of others.  Grant is buried in what they call "Baby Land"  and in baby land there has to be over 100 babies and children who are buried there.  As i walked by each gravestone i would read the name and the date, some like my baby only had one date the day  they were born and died, while others maybe had a few months to a year marked.  It broke my heart that each one of these children would never get to experience life.  I wonder what there story was, how are there parents doing?   I hurt for the other mommy's and daddy's and families who were and are suffering over the loss of their child, i know how it feels and i don't like the thought of others having to experience this horrific nightmare that i am in. But they did, they are and its not right. 
  There were also gravestones that were from 30 plus years ago and i wonder if anyone visits their grave anymore?  Do people still remember them? because even though they only had a short life, it was a life that mattered.  But i know in my heart that all those babies are in heaven right now and that brought a peace to my heart. Another thought hit me, what if the parents do not have a relationship with Christ? I have the assurance that i will see my baby again one day, but for those who do not know Christ they don't have that and it broke my heart yet again. 
  I am so thankful that i have that future hope of being in heaven with my son one day! 1 John 5:11-12 " And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have the Son of God does not have life."
 

The harsh reality of November

1 Peter 5:7 (NLT)

 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."

   Finally the month of November has come. It has been a month that i have been looking forward to since i found out my due date this past March.  With each week that would pass excitement would fill me because that meant that i was getting closer to November.  The month of November held many promises for Tom and I.  I would be celebrating my 29th birthday either holding my son in my arms or preparing to go the hospital in the next day or two to deliver him.
  Well, November is now here, it is a reality. It is like a kick in the gut reminding me of what i have lost.  A harsh reminder that my son was born 2 months ago and died and wont be born this week.  I have always loved the fall, the color of the changing leaves the cool crisp air and excitement that surrounds this time of the year.  Also in the month of November is my birthday, my wedding anniversary and thanksgiving! And it was also to be my sons birthday.
  I remember back in June walking through a jewelry store and looking at the birth stones and wondering if Grant will have Octobers Opal? Or Novembers Yellow Topaz?  He had neither.  His birthstone was August's Peridot a pretty light green color gem.  For the past 2 months (can you believe it has all ready been that long?) I have been dreading this month and all the broken promises and shattered dreams that it now holds.  But i can't avoid it, i cant change the month on the calender, even though i wish i could.  I have to face it head on, does it hurt? you bet it does.  I have moments where i wonder  how will my heart make it through the holidays without my son? My heart really cant bare any more hurt and yet it is looming around the corner as i see the seasons change, it is right in my face as i go into stores and see all things related to Christmas.
  I cant avoid this month and the holidays to come and i cant avoid my pain either.  I have to embrace my grief, i cant suppress my heartache and sorrow. The only thing i can do is cry out to the Lord, even if i have no words just tears, he hears my heart and i know that he is there with me. The things i know to be true in this moment is that: The Lord loves me, he cares for me.  Every part of my life matters to him especially in the midst of pain and loss he is there. He is always present.   I know he is holding me in his arms and bringing me peace in the midst of  my life's greatest storm.  He is placing his nail scared hands on my broken heart and letting me know that he knows what pain is, he understands and he longs to heal my brokenness.  I am reminded by the  Crystal Lewis song  Beauty for Ashes 

 "When sorrow seems to surround you

When suffering hangs heavy over your head

Know that tomorrow brings wholeness and healing

God knows your need, just believe what he said

He gives beauty for ashes

Strength for fear

Gladness for mourning

Peace for despair."

  As i am writing this i really feel like God has spoken to my heart and wants me to not let the month of November define me, or let it control my life.  Yes it is a month that is filled with broken promises and shattered dreams, but i serve a God who makes all things new. And that includes me.  November will always hold a bittersweet feeling for me, but i cant run and hide when it comes.  When the pain gets to be too much for me, i will choose to go to the one who will give me gladness for my mourning and peace for my despair.  I will choose to walk in the hope and the promise that he will be with me every step of the way. Guiding me and loving me through every hard and difficult moment that i face.  



8 Weeks...

John 10:10

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

  I can't believe that it has been 8 weeks!  I know some may wonder why does she keep track of the weeks?  The reason why: When there is a traumatic event in a persons life they are forever tied to that day and or date of event.  If you ask anyone where were you on Sept 11 2001? Most if not all will tell you the exact place and what they were doing when they heard of the news.  For me this is the same.  I remember the exact time on that Tuesday August 30th when the on call doctor told me my son was dead, i know EVERYTHING that i did that day even though it included me in a hospital bed, i remember every conversation and thought that went through my mind.  Every Tuesday at 7:31pm i remember that was the time my son entered into the world and i got to see him for the first time.  I remember 12:30 AM wed august 31st when i had to let go of my baby and give him to the nurse, knowing that was the last time i would ever hold him on this side of heaven.  That is why. 

  I said when i started my blog that i would be honest and write about where i am on my journey.  You see my journey changes from day to day, there is growth and then there are times i am stuck and other times where i am back to square one.  But I'm trying and that is all i can do.  Today has been hard for me.  Last Tuesday my doctor called and told me that the Autopsy report came back Normal, that there was nothing wrong and no reason for his death, Grant was 100% healthy.  Part of me was so happy to hear that there was nothing wrong with my baby but the other part of me needed a reason, there had to be something that i could grasp to blame for the death of my son.

  Well as you can imagine Satan was waiting for this moment to come and fill my head with lies.  Today i was filled with this overwhelming thoughts of What if??? What if i would have gone in sooner could he have still been alive? And that has just been eating me up inside, blaming myself, listening to the lies of Satan.  He would love for me to blame myself and live in the guilt and despair that was surrounding me, well that was overwhelming me.  But i was able to take a brake from my blaming myself and feeling like a failure and ask the Lord to help me, to not let Satan have this victory.  I know that i am not to blame but its still so easy to listen to the lies that Satan throws at me.  It made me stop and think that why is it so easy to listen to the lies of Satan then listen to the truth and receive love and peace from the Lord?

   I have to make the choice to ignore the flaming arrows the the enemy is sending my way and choose to listen to the Lord and receive his truth and peace into my life. And when the devil starts in on me i have to claim the power and authority of Jesus name and he will have to flee and also remind him of his future! Revelations 20:10  "And the devil, who deceived them, was thrown into the lake of burning sulfur, where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown. They will be tormented day and night for ever and ever."
  So when i have those doubts and questions of why and wanting to have a reason for his death, Instead of asking why; i need to put my focus and attention on the Lord. He is my most intimate friend, my most respected Father. He is the One who carries the sun to it’s place and has always remained faithful.  He loves me.  He gave his one and only son for me so that i can be with him for all eternity.  I lost my son, i can never see him in this life, but when i am tormented by the lies of the devil i know that there is nothing to fear because i am safe, Grant is safe in the arms of the Lord.  I know that one day i will be standing before the Lord and even though on earth i had a million questions for him, i don't think i will ask the questions i think i will, because what is the point of asking why? when you are standing before the Lord?  Standing face to face with the Lord, holding my sweet baby boy, instead of asking all those questions i will have heavens peace all around me, the Joy of the Lord surrounding me.  That is what i have to focus on when i have days like today.  Thank you Jesus for the reminder that you love me and that Satan has no power over me; i have nothing to fear because you are in control.