Moving Forward With God

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Right now i am in a weird place in my grief, I have a lot of moments where it is too hard to look forward and it's too painful to look back.  I feel stuck.  I want to be able to look to the past even though it was the most painful part of my life, it is also the most joyous time as well, and to be honest the future looks too scary to face. I hate that my future does not include Grant being alive, i hate it.  So where do i go from here, where i feel stuck unable to live in the past and to scared to dream about the future?  I need to live in the present.   I need a new perspective, a new focus.  And instead of only looking at my sorrow and heartache I need to look to Jesus and keep my eyes on Him.  I feel like Peter wanting to believe it is Jesus who is calling out to me, asking me to trust him and get out of the boat but like Peter my thoughts start to drift and i start focusing on all the grief that is consuming me and i start to drown.  Jesus wants me to stay focused on him and when  i do have those moments of doubt and i get too consumed with myself i can call out to him and he will reach out his hand and save me.
I have no doubt that if i keep myself centered in God, i will be able to move forward again.  Not forgetting my son but learning to live a life without him living in it, he will always be one of the biggest parts of life i just feel guilty about going forward, he never got a future here on earth and i feel guilty if i am happy or start to progress in my grief and healing.  But with God i cant go back and i cant stay in the same spot i have to keep on moving and growing, knowing he is always with me and he will help me take the steps to live fully and freely in Him.  It will be baby steps, but I'm choosing to take them, i don't know where they will take me, but if I'm taking them with the Lord, eyes focused on him then i know he will provide the grace and strength for the next step.