3 Months

Isaiah 46:4

^“Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”

     It has been 3 months since Grant died.  I can't believe it has been that long, while there are times that it feels more like 3 years have gone by.  It is getting harder and i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my son should be here with me and its hard to accept that.  I have also been struggling with who am I now that my son is dead? Once the pregnancy test showed “Pregnant” I became aware that I was now a mom.  Being a mom is something that I had been dreaming and praying about for so long and when I saw that one word it changed me to the core of my being.  For the eight months that I was pregnant I was changing becoming a new person, I was not just "Mashele Tom’s wife", but I am now Grants mommy too! It was what I wanted to be, more than any tittle I could have received, being his mommy was my hearts desire.                 

Yes I am still Grant’s mommy, it’s just different knowing that I can’t be with him on this side of heaven and do all things I had planed and dreamed of doing.  I was going to be super mom, be the cool mom.  Have the warm welcoming home that all his friends wanted to come over to.  Be the kind of mom that he was proud of. I feel like I have no identity now, a fish out of water.  I feel lost, like I'm wondering around in a wild forest tripping over the rough terrain and getting slapped in the face by tree branches as I try to find my place in this world. 

 I know that I should not have wrapped my entire identity up in being Grants mom.  I know that it is part of who I am and who I will always be but it should not be ALL of who I am.  Its just hard when you love someone so much.  I know that my identity should be in is Christ.  I am trying to daily take the steps to do so.  I researched in my bible about our identity in Christ and I came up with a list.  When i have my moments of identity crisis i try to remember the following: 

In Christ:

I am God's child  (John 1:12)

I have been justified  (Romans 5:1)

I belong to God  (1 Corinthians 6:20)

I am a member of Christ's Body  (1 Corinthians 12:27)

I am assured all things work together for good  (Romans 8:28) 

I am confident that God will perfect the work He has begun in me (Philippians 1:6) 

I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-discipline  (2 Timothy 1:7)

I am chosen before the creation of the world (Ephesians 1:4, 11) 

I am adopted as his child  (Ephesians 1:5)

I am given God's glorious grace lavishly and without restriction   (Ephesians 1:5,8)

I am forgiven (Ephesians 1:8; Colossians 1:14)

I have purpose (Ephesians 1:9 & 3:11)

I have hope (Ephesians 1:12) 

I am salt and light of the earth  (Matthew 5:13-14)

I have been chosen and God desires me to bear fruit   (John 15:1,5)

I am a personal witness of Jesus Christ (Acts 1:8) 

I am alive with Christ (Ephesians 2:5) 

I am a holy temple (Ephesians 2:21; 1 Corinthians 6:19)

I can approach God with freedom and confidence (Ephesians 3:12)

I am His disciple (John 13:15)

I am promised eternal life (John 6:47)

My heart and mind is protected with God's peace (Philippians 4:7)

I am chosen and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12)

I am blameless (1 Corinthians 1:8)

I am set free (Romans 8:2; John 8:32)

I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37)

I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)