Empty Pages

Hebrews 12:1-3

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

The other day i went into Grant's room and i went to his bookshelf and laying there front and center was his baby book.  Throughout my pregnancy i would fill it out, knowing that one day he would read it so i wrote in as much detail as i could.  I remember a couple days after we learned we were pregnant i started writing in it, filling out the things i could.  I had to wait a couple more months to then write in his name, learning that we were having a boy! As i read through  it i found myself smiling, remembering how excited i was when i wrote in it.  Then i came to the next part of the book that was now empty.  The next part was for his baby shower that was supposed to be September 10th but he died August 30th...a baby shower i never got to experience.  My smile started to fade and fresh tears came as i got to the next pages.  It was the part in the book where you write down all the birth information, with a heavy heart i wrote down on the blank lines "Grant Thomas Moore, Born August 30th 2011 at 7:31pm Length 15 1/4 inches weight 2lb 9.4oz. Delivered by Dr. Qualtere-Burcher."  I turned the pages and there before me were questions about Grant, like first smile, tooth, rolling over etc and my heart was so grieved knowing that he would never get to experience those things. I kept flipping back and forth between the words and the emptiness, thinking of all the ways that I would have rather filled the pages.

One of the hardest things for me about losing Grant is that I want to know who he was going to be. What would he have looked like at every stage, who's personality would he have more of? I stare at his little face in pictures and study every part, i look at his hand and feet prints and memorize the patterns. I miss him.  One of the hardest parts is the entry before the loss because it seems like life is just so normal, no indication of what is just on the horizon. You want to scream at the baby book like it’s an old movie where the heroine doesn’t see the villain, but you do.  I looked at my words and I wanted so badly to be able to go to that girl, at that moment, and tell her that she didn’t need to  buy all the baby furniture and clothes and toys, She had no idea.

I had no idea.

I can’t imagine what God must have felt when we walked into a small, unfamiliar ultrasound room months ago, and the pages went blank. And tonight, the only thing I can think to say is a 5 word sentence that hurts to write.  There are times that i tell God "I want him back, Lord."   I want my Grant in my arms right now.  I’m not crazy, I know this can’t happen, not in this life. But I am crying out for my baby, For all the pages that appear blank before me…Oh Lord, why?   I kept thinking today about the symbolism of the empty baby book, telling the Lord how that image stings in it’s finality. It has been hard. I know that God is in the midst of it, as He always is, but it hurts to be without my son. But i know the Lord is wrapping his arms around me and mourning with me and giving me a special grace to deal with this horrific loss.

 It isn’t easy for me to write. It isn’t easy because it makes me think through things I might rather leave undone, and it makes me vulnerable in a way that is humbling. But, in some way that only God can make sense of, He is using  this as a way to walk through my grief and i want to thank each one of you that is reading my blog, walking alongside me on this journey and praying and loving us.  I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart for encouraging me to type on my keyboard, and to start to fill in the emptiness. To use this blog as a way to express my pain and grief but also to use it, to love Grant with my words, and to share him when he couldn’t share himself.