HOLIDAYS--- SURVIVAL or DEFEAT?
By Kay Bevington, Van Wert, OH
Editor
Alive Alone
The forthcoming holidays are often the most
difficult times of the year for bereaved parents,
now childless.
I have some suggestions that will hopefully
assist you during this season. My husband and I
have attempted some of the following since our
daughter, Rhonda, died and others are ideas from
other bereaved friends.
YOU WILL SURVIVE the HOLIDAYS!
Those first few years of bereavement cause us
to think that we’ll certainly die without our
child/children. You may not be able to ENJOY
the holiday but rest assured that there will be a
day in your future when you’ll be able to once
again gain
some pleasure from them. It will
never be the same without your child/children
but you will learn to cope and reinvest in others
and have a life again.
PLAN AHEAD
It helps to have a plan for some of the events
that are fast approaching. Think about and plan
fort these next few weeks. Decide what
YOU
want to do and let those who are close to you
know what
YOU need. The decisions you make
will depend upon your individual circumstances.
Adult family/friends should be able to better
understand your need for change but some will
be reluctant to changes.
CHANGE
Sometimes changing where and when holidays
are celebrated helps. Family gatherings do NOT
have to be on Thanksgiving, Christmas Day or
Hannukah. Whatever religious holiday or family
holiday you celebrate these same principles can
apply to you. Perhaps your family would agree
to have one gathering this year between the two
holidays. Just because you’ve always hosted the
gatherings at your house in the past does not
mean it has to be the same. Inform your family
that you’re unable to do this and tell them you
will be having it at a restaurant this year or ask
another family member to do it for you. Having
the holiday gatherings at a different time also
permits you to ‘escape’ to a warmer climate, take
a cruise, or just “hibernate” to avoid the
excitement of these holidays. You will take your
grief with you if you plan a time away from
home but OFTEN the intensity of the pain
lessens in a different environment. There are
other bereaved parents in your circumstance who
would love to accompany you with whatever you
decide to do. Join some support groups to meet
these people.
HELP OTHERS
Some people decide to work in local food
kitchens on these special days. Many who’ve
done this say it helped them focus on what they
have and had and to see that life is often more
painful and difficult for others. It also makes us
feel so much better when we give of ourselves to
others.
Some families use the money they would have
spent on their deceased child to purchase food,
clothing, toys, etc. for an underprivileged child
or family.
DECORATING
If you feel your home needs to decorated for
the holidays but you can not muster the courage
or energy to do it then ask a friend or family
member to assist or do it for you. You may want
to consider decorating a tree for the gravesite
instead or in addition to what you do at home.
Do what is best for you and those currently
residing at your home.
ATTENDING SPECIAL EVENTS
What do you do about these special events?
Go to them if you think you’d like to but inform
your hostess that you may need to ‘escape’
inconspicuously if you can not handle it. Think
about and look for others who are having a
difficult time during the holidays and plan to
attend or sit with them. It helps to have someone
nearby who truly understands. The events are
healing for some and painful for others. You
will find that your feelings about these change
from year to year.
Let your family & friends know how you feel
this year. If you wish to attend, warn them in
advance that you will probably cry, but assure
them that it is important for you to cry and talk
about your child. Let them know that they do
NOT CAUSE your sadness. Even though tears
are shed you MAY feel better later after having
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HOLIDAYS continued from previous page
an opportunity to get away from home. If you
just want to sit by the fireside and not attend
these festivities then let them know that you
appreciate their thoughtfulness and that in
another year you will appreciate the opportunity
to decide once again.
GREETING CARDS
You may want to consider purchasing printed
holiday greetings now, use computer labels to
address them, and type a letter talking about your
child and your grief. Do them NOW and set
them aside until it’s time to mail them. IF you’d
like others to share pleasant memories with you
about your child, ask them to write a sentence or
two and send to you with your greeting card.
These can be placed in a stocking or a special
gift box. These messages can be read privately
or aloud at a family gathering. Tears will be
shed (which is a catharsis for us) but there will
also be pleasant memories and laughter. Some
people have used their child’s photo or last
family photo on their return address labels. I had
several phone calls and notes the last time after
using Rhonda’s photo on our return address
labels thanking us for the opportunity to see her
photo again after so many years since her death.
ATTENDING WORSHP SERVICES
Often bereaved parents will say that music
and worship services are the most difficult to
attend after a child’s death. We may be angry at
God and we most definitely feel cheated when
other families seem to be intact and ours is not.
Loneliness and unfairness are our feelings and
often cause despair. IF you are able to attend the
annual services of your place of worship you
may want to sit near the aisle or at the back so
you can have an easy escape route and not be
‘hemmed into the middle’. Sometimes attending
these services are steps toward healing for us but
each of us are different and know our own
timetable the best.
REMEMBERING YOUR CHILD
You might want to purchase a special candle in
memory of your child. Light the candle daily
from Thanksgiving through Christmas. Many
people take these special candles to the Candle
Lighting Services that their local support groups
have during the holidays. Some choose to use
the candles given to them during this service and
make a special table decoration with it for the
holiday. Either way we re sharing the love of
our child with others by lighting these candles.
Some have taken clothing of their child and
had them cut and designed for a doll or bear.
These dolls and bears can be given to other
family members and friends. Buttons from
clothing can be made into pins and given to
ladies who are relatives or friends of the
deceased. Jewelry can be melted, redesigned and
sized for others to wear. See your local jeweler
as they often have excellent ideas about how to
make new items using the good jewelry that
belonged to your child. Be creative and think of
ways that you can use the belongings of ryour
child to create something new that will help
others to remember him or her. What a
wonderful means of commemorating the life of
your child and these become valued treasures to
other family members and friends.
Whether this is your first year of bereavement
or if it has been several years since your child
died you will find that you WILL survive the
holidays You can gain some small pleasures if
you plan to include the memories of your child
in your holidays.
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