Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 " But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

It has been 2 months, 3 weeks and 1 day since my baby Grant died.  Instead of 2 mths is feels like it has been 2 years!  Even though life is passing by me i still feel like i am in slow motion, barely moving and stumbling over my feet.  My grief has moved into a new category for me and that is i feel weak and i am filled with this crushing sadness.  I have always been sad, but i had other strong emotions at the beginning which overshadowed it. 

I feel a deep intense sadness that Grant is not here and it hits me at my core and consumes me...before i was able to keep myself from crying when i was out in public but i feel like i have lost control of that emotion and it always happens in settings where i would like to appear strong.  But I'm not strong i am so weak, i experienced the death of my son, the person i felt the most connected to, the person i loved the most in the world is no longer here and it is so hard.  I am not a weak person by nature so this is such a struggle for me. 

 Hebrews 4:14-16: "So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe.  This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.  So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most."   I am so glad that God is not surprised that i am weak, he has gone before me and given his life for me, so i can come to him with my weakness and ask him to help me and when i do he does not magically take it away from me, but he gives me a new strength that can only come from him.  Its a gentle grace that allows me to walk each hard step, its the power of Christ in me that make me trust him with my life in spite of my pain,   its a confidence in knowing that he who began a good work in me will carry it out to completion, i don't know what it will look like but he does.  Its the gentle calling of his voice asking me to come to him with my pain and in turn he will give me comfort. 

The Lord has given me peace in my heart, but its not the peace that you would normally assume.  Even though my heart is crushed and i feel so weak i have a peace and a comfort knowing that my son is safe in the arms of Jesus and that i will one day see my Grant.  I have a peace in knowing that whatever may come either good or bad i have the Lord with me and the confidence to go before him with all my joys and with all my sorrows, knowing that i have given him control of my life and i don't have to fear.  John 14:27: "I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid"  

 I am reminded of a kids song i learned when i was 4 years old, even though it is so simple the words are powerful:

"Jesus loves me! this I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
they are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so."

Yes Jesus Loves me, and Yes he is so strong!  The only thing that is truly helping me on this journey is knowing that Jesus loves me and that is all i need to know! Knowing i have the love of Jesus has given me the strength and courage to admit that i am weak and that HE is strong.  His love is what let's me know every second of the day that i can make it.