My Son's Gravestone

Isaiah 26:3

"You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you"

  Today Tom and I went to the the cemetery to watch them put our sons gravestone down.  This was a day that i was both looking forward to and dreading.  I was looking forward to it because i would always know where my son was buried, never having to wonder.  The dreading part is obvious, to me it was the reality and finality of his death. I did not know how i would handle seeing his name and date of death written in stone.
  When we got to the cemetery i saw a couple of the worker preparing the land by his grave for his gravestone.  It made me nausea's, it was something that i did not want to face but knew i had to.  I am his mom and even though i cant physically be there for him, i can honor him by being present in this moment no matter how hard it would be.  It was so cold out in the mid 40's! So different from his funeral when it was 90 degrees out!  Both extreme temperatures to match my extreme grief.
  When the workers got the gravestone out and placed it on the ground, in that moment i just felt peace, i felt proud that my husband had chosen such a beautiful gravestone for our son, the black granite sparkled in what little sun that peaked through the clouds.
  As i stood there looking at it i felt so sad, the week that Grant was to be born was the week that we saw his gravestone be put on his grave.  It sucks.  It should not be this way, i should be holding my son in my arms right now, getting no sleep and feeling so lucky to have such a sweet little boy as my son.  Tom should be rocking him in the rocker, singing to him so i could get a little bit of sleep.  So many "should have been's" there are hundreds of them if i listed them all.  It's not fair that we have to miss out on Grants life. 
  Even though his gravestone was the final act for his burial, it is not the final act for his short life.  I don't know how but i will make sure that Grant will have a legacy that his life will matter and i know that somehow God will turn it into purpose. It is my hope, my prayer that his life, his story will help people.  But if i had the choice i would have him back in a second, but i don't have a choice and i cant dwell on the "what ifs" and "should have beens"...even though i do, its hard not to.  But i need to focus on allowing God to somehow take my deepest pain and my greatest loss and turn it into purpose for his glory.