8 Weeks...

John 10:10

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

  I can't believe that it has been 8 weeks!  I know some may wonder why does she keep track of the weeks?  The reason why: When there is a traumatic event in a persons life they are forever tied to that day and or date of event.  If you ask anyone where were you on Sept 11 2001? Most if not all will tell you the exact place and what they were doing when they heard of the news.  For me this is the same.  I remember the exact time on that Tuesday August 30th when the on call doctor told me my son was dead, i know EVERYTHING that i did that day even though it included me in a hospital bed, i remember every conversation and thought that went through my mind.  Every Tuesday at 7:31pm i remember that was the time my son entered into the world and i got to see him for the first time.  I remember 12:30 AM wed august 31st when i had to let go of my baby and give him to the nurse, knowing that was the last time i would ever hold him on this side of heaven.  That is why. 

  I said when i started my blog that i would be honest and write about where i am on my journey.  You see my journey changes from day to day, there is growth and then there are times i am stuck and other times where i am back to square one.  But I'm trying and that is all i can do.  Today has been hard for me.  Last Tuesday my doctor called and told me that the Autopsy report came back Normal, that there was nothing wrong and no reason for his death, Grant was 100% healthy.  Part of me was so happy to hear that there was nothing wrong with my baby but the other part of me needed a reason, there had to be something that i could grasp to blame for the death of my son.

  Well as you can imagine Satan was waiting for this moment to come and fill my head with lies.  Today i was filled with this overwhelming thoughts of What if??? What if i would have gone in sooner could he have still been alive? And that has just been eating me up inside, blaming myself, listening to the lies of Satan.  He would love for me to blame myself and live in the guilt and despair that was surrounding me, well that was overwhelming me.  But i was able to take a brake from my blaming myself and feeling like a failure and ask the Lord to help me, to not let Satan have this victory.  I know that i am not to blame but its still so easy to listen to the lies that Satan throws at me.  It made me stop and think that why is it so easy to listen to the lies of Satan then listen to the truth and receive love and peace from the Lord?

   I have to make the choice to ignore the flaming arrows the the enemy is sending my way and choose to listen to the Lord and receive his truth and peace into my life. And when the devil starts in on me i have to claim the power and authority of Jesus name and he will have to flee and also remind him of his future! Revelations 20:10  "And the devil, who deceived them, was thrown into the lake of burning sulfur, where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown. They will be tormented day and night for ever and ever."
  So when i have those doubts and questions of why and wanting to have a reason for his death, Instead of asking why; i need to put my focus and attention on the Lord. He is my most intimate friend, my most respected Father. He is the One who carries the sun to it’s place and has always remained faithful.  He loves me.  He gave his one and only son for me so that i can be with him for all eternity.  I lost my son, i can never see him in this life, but when i am tormented by the lies of the devil i know that there is nothing to fear because i am safe, Grant is safe in the arms of the Lord.  I know that one day i will be standing before the Lord and even though on earth i had a million questions for him, i don't think i will ask the questions i think i will, because what is the point of asking why? when you are standing before the Lord?  Standing face to face with the Lord, holding my sweet baby boy, instead of asking all those questions i will have heavens peace all around me, the Joy of the Lord surrounding me.  That is what i have to focus on when i have days like today.  Thank you Jesus for the reminder that you love me and that Satan has no power over me; i have nothing to fear because you are in control.