I Wonder.....

 

 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:38-39

  Today i walked into my bedroom and i looked over on my dresser and saw the hospital picture of Tom, Grant and I (a picture i look at at least 50 times a day) but for some reason today it hit me and hit me hard.  I thought to myself my mother in law should be flying in next week and if Grant was to come when my scheduled C-Section was he would be here in a little over a week! The reality of taking my handsome son home with me from the hospital is not a reality for me, instead i came home from the hospital 7 weeks ago with empty arms a broken heart and a future that was taken from me.
  I think about what it would have been like to hold his warm body in my arms and feel the beat of his heart and hear his cry.  I wonder what life would have been like when i came home from the hospital holding my son in my arms, introducing him to all my friends and family  Instead i got to hold his lifeless body in my arms and cry tears of sorrow instead of joy and instead of taking him to his home, i had to bury him in the ground, the cemetery his new earthly home.  Its not fair.  I miss him so much, i wonder what his birth weight would have been and if his hair would have got thicker and more wavy. I wonder i wonder i wonder???  That is all i can do and it drives me insane! 
  Never in my life have i wanted and loved anything more then my son Grant Thomas.  Tom and i were robed of being his parents he was robed of having a future, a life outside my womb.  What would he have grown up to be? Who's personality would he have more of?  All these questions i wont know.  But i have the hope and promise the Grant is waiting for us in heaven and that  heaven will be his only home that he will ever know (outside of my womb).  Imagine that the first person he got to see with his eyes was Jesus! As selfish as i am in wanting him back i do find peace in knowing that while in my womb i loved him every min of his life, all he knew was the safety of being in me and knowing the love his mommy and daddy had for him and then when his heart stopped beating he was instantly in the presence of the one who gave him life, his creator, his God.  I wonder what that moment was like as Grant left this earth and was ushered into the presence of the Lord? I hope that when i get to heaven God will show me that moment. But for now i wait and i will continue to walk this road of healing and sorrow and i look forward to the day i get to heaven and can hold my son once again and be his mommy for all eternity.