1 Peter 5:7 (NLT)
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."
Finally the month of November has come. It has been a month that i have been looking forward to since i found out my due date this past March. With each week that would pass excitement would fill me because that meant that i was getting closer to November. The month of November held many promises for Tom and I. I would be celebrating my 29th birthday either holding my son in my arms or preparing to go the hospital in the next day or two to deliver him.
Well, November is now here, it is a reality. It is like a kick in the gut reminding me of what i have lost. A harsh reminder that my son was born 2 months ago and died and wont be born this week. I have always loved the fall, the color of the changing leaves the cool crisp air and excitement that surrounds this time of the year. Also in the month of November is my birthday, my wedding anniversary and thanksgiving! And it was also to be my sons birthday.
I remember back in June walking through a jewelry store and looking at the birth stones and wondering if Grant will have Octobers Opal? Or Novembers Yellow Topaz? He had neither. His birthstone was August's Peridot a pretty light green color gem. For the past 2 months (can you believe it has all ready been that long?) I have been dreading this month and all the broken promises and shattered dreams that it now holds. But i can't avoid it, i cant change the month on the calender, even though i wish i could. I have to face it head on, does it hurt? you bet it does. I have moments where i wonder how will my heart make it through the holidays without my son? My heart really cant bare any more hurt and yet it is looming around the corner as i see the seasons change, it is right in my face as i go into stores and see all things related to Christmas.
I cant avoid this month and the holidays to come and i cant avoid my pain either. I have to embrace my grief, i cant suppress my heartache and sorrow. The only thing i can do is cry out to the Lord, even if i have no words just tears, he hears my heart and i know that he is there with me. The things i know to be true in this moment is that: The Lord loves me, he cares for me. Every part of my life matters to him especially in the midst of pain and loss he is there. He is always present. I know he is holding me in his arms and bringing me peace in the midst of my life's greatest storm. He is placing his nail scared hands on my broken heart and letting me know that he knows what pain is, he understands and he longs to heal my brokenness. I am reminded by the Crystal Lewis song Beauty for Ashes
"When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy over your head
Know that tomorrow brings wholeness and healing
God knows your need, just believe what he said
He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair."
As i am writing this i really feel like God has spoken to my heart and wants me to not let the month of November define me, or let it control my life. Yes it is a month that is filled with broken promises and shattered dreams, but i serve a God who makes all things new. And that includes me. November will always hold a bittersweet feeling for me, but i cant run and hide when it comes. When the pain gets to be too much for me, i will choose to go to the one who will give me gladness for my mourning and peace for my despair. I will choose to walk in the hope and the promise that he will be with me every step of the way. Guiding me and loving me through every hard and difficult moment that i face.
In moments of tragedy I have found God walks us through it all and even though we may dread the months coming up, we can wake up each morning and know we first can thank God for the blessing we have of being able to draw breath and get out of bed. As each day passes, we grow stronger despite the hurt and we learn that tragedy does not define our personality, it makes us a stronger personality despite it.
ReplyDeleteI dread Novembers too. I dread the holiday season. Because for me it was a time as a kid where mom and dad argued and broke household fixtures and beat the snot out of each other because neither was willing to face that the Christmas money meant for my sister and I was being snorted up their noses. Every year the moment Christmas lights come out on October first, I start to feel a pain in my gut.
But I have learned that that time has passed. That time is gone and my kiddo and I can make new memories and make new happinesses. Even though her mother and I aren't together, she knows we both love her and we are united for her happiness if only on that front.
You and your husband have a long time and a long life together to make new memories. A long time to let this tragedy grow and strengthen you into something stronger and more beautiful. It will take time. Keep writing. Keep spilling out your heart. It does wonders.
Know that you inspire others. Including me.
Thank you bill!!!
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