Psalm 31:24
My faith in the Lord has always been rock solid since the day i gave my heart to the Lord when i was 4 years old, i have served him everyday of my life through all seasons, good and bad. I always thought if a horrific event/tragedy occurred in my life i would be strong in my faith, rock solid as before. Well i was wrong. The moment the doctor said " he is not alive, your son is dead" all my faith and hope and trust in the Lord seemed to go away in that instant. How could this be? I have waited over 6 years for this, believed that God had healed my body and given Tom and i a child. We loved him, we were able to provide for him financially and we all ready dedicated him to Lord. He would have been so loved and taken care of. Why then i ask God that people can have babies and cant take care of them and they wind up in foster care, or neglect them, they abuse them, or the worst they kill them. I don't understand why they can have 5-10 kids and hurt them in the worst way and all i want is 1 child to love and raise up to be a godly person who loves the Lord with all their heart.
My faith was shaken to its core and i had to make some choices. I could have walked away from the Lord, my heart was so broken, so wounded and i felt like in my whole life God has always come through for me, and this is the first time that he did not and i felt betrayed by the one who i had given my life to, the one whom i gave my son to. But instead of turning my back on God i made the choice, and it is a daily choice to keep my faith. At the moment it is not a big faith it is small, I'm talking mustard seed small, but that is ok, that is all God requires of me, he does not expect me to have this big faith in him right now, all he wants is me to keep clinging to that faith, and as time continues he will build up that faith, i don't know how or when but i am certain that he will. If i am willing to trust though the pain and heartache he will take that small faith and day by day as i allow him he will turn it into a big faith, a faith that can move mountains.
Along with faith i have been asking the Lord to give me hope, knowing that hope that comes from the Lord is absolute confidence in something that i have not seen or received yet, but having the faith and hope and the absolute confidence that whatever God has said is going to come to pass not in my timing but in his. Jesus is the hope for my present and for my future. I have been thinking about the coming of Christ and knowing that he will come back for his children for those who have accepted him as their personal Lord and savior and he is a just God, he will take all those horrible thing i mentioned before and set all the wrong right. All the bad will be triumphed by good, Righteousness will triumph over evil, i have the complete confidence that he is going to make things all right, make things new, that is my hope.
So even though my faith has been shaken to its core, i have as the old songs declares, decided to follow Jesus, even through the pain, heartbreak and deep sorrow....there is no turning back, all of my faith, hope and trust is in the Lord.
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