6 Weeks.....

Psalm 34:18

 "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" 

 Wow i cant believe it has been 6 weeks since Grant died.  I would be in my 9th month and eagerly awaiting the arrival of my son.  But I'm not, instead i am siting here writing a blog about how i cant believe that it has been 6 weeks since he died.  The only word that comes to mind right now is that this SUCKS!  I remember going to bed in my hospital room the night he was born/died and still in shock thinking that this was just a really bad nightmare in fact the most horrific nightmare imaginable, and i will wake up and be in my home with my round baby belly and Grant kicking me good morning.  I did wake up the next morning and i was not at home but still in the hospital, i did not have a round belly instead i had a deflated lumpy stomach and i was not greeted with his morning kicks and punches but rather the sharp pain in my lower abdomen where i had just had my c-section.  I thought to myself this cant be happening, please God no.
   The last 6 weeks have been so hard for me, I'm able to get through each day, if i need to go out anywhere where there are people i know I'm able to be ok and to put on a "strong" face and go though the motions, but inside there are times that i feel like i am drowning in a sea of despair and sorrow, the heartache almost too much to bare at times.  I know it will get easier with time, but I'm not living in the future i am living in the right now and that reality is that, my son is gone and i am trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered future.
    As i am walking this road at times i want to avoid my grief and do everything i can to distract myself from it, but i know that is not good.  I am learning to walk head on into it and that is so hard, and it is painful, but i am thankful that i am walking this road with the Lord, well to be honest i am not walking it at the moment rather the Lord is carrying me through it and there will be a day when he will be able to put me down and walk side by side with me, ready to catch me if he needs to carry me again. 
   Even though our son died, i still trust the Lord, i am still thankful for his faithfulness.  I know that God did not do this to me, but i do know that he allowed it to happen to me, he is all powerful, nothing is impossible for him and he COULD have intervened and saved my sons life, but in that moment he chose not to, and i don't know why and i wont know why till i am standing before him and ask him.  But i have to, i just have to believe that even though he allowed this to happen, he will take all my pain and all my hurt and sorrow and somehow, i don't know how, but turn them into something beautiful for his glory.  This life is not about me, it is about HIM and i have to remember that, and even though I'm walking through this hard road, i need to take my eyes of myself and put them on the Lord, and as i focus on him he will give me that strength for my next breath and he will turn my pain into purpose and my sorrow into joy.

The Weaving

"My life is but a weaving, between my God and me;
I do not chose the colors, He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper, and I the under side.
Not til the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful Weaver's hand
As threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned."

--Anonymous