The day was going to be very busy for me, it was my first real outing since having Grant, and I had a C-Section which is major surgery. At 11am we had the private viewing of his body, at 3:30 we had the private burial and then at 5:30 we had his memorial service which was open to everyone! Whew! I was so scared to view Grant that morning, when i walked in i did not know what to expect, the funeral home said that with infants they are not able to embalm them so they may look different. I was so worried that he would look different. As I approached his tiny and i mean tiny 20 inch casket my heart just exploded in my chest, he was perfect, he looked the way i would have dreamed he would have looked at birth. He looked so peaceful like he was just sleeping, he even had a little smirk on his face too! I spent a couple hours just talking to him and holding his soft hands. I was filled with such a peace in that moment, it was the same peace i felt when i held him in my arms for the first time. I believe that God was in that moment in a big way pouring his peace and can i dare say joy in that room in that moment as Tom and i looked upon our son so thankful that he had given him to us, even if it was for a brief time, the feelings i felt for Grant were stronger then any i had felt before, I was SO in love with this little boy, the love of a mother for her son, that bond is so strong and so great. Even though i knew it was just a body, just a shell...that Grants spirit was in heaven i was drawn to it, there was a tie to that little body that i just cant explain. I was his mother and he was my son. It was a beautiful moment that God allowed me to have with Grant.
When Tom and I were about to leave the room, I was sobbing, I told Tom "I can't, I can't leave him, I don't want to leave him here all alone, what kind of mother am I if i do that? I kept on sobbing, Tom i cant leave him I cant say goodbye to him." I knew that in that moment I left the room it would be the last time i saw Grant on this side of heaven. My sweet husband just held me and we cried together and he looked me in the eyes and said, he is not alone, he is in the arms of Jesus, its ok we can go now its time. I then went over to Grant and held his hand and said "Mommy loves you" and i walked out of that room, a room that filled me with peace now as i walked out of that room and into the "real" world the harsh truth of this moments reality hit me hard. This was real and I wish to God i would wake up from this nightmare and life would be normal again. Oh how i wished that to be true.
As 3:30 approached all i could do was pray, pray that God would help me through this, i did not know how i would handle it, and i needed his strength to get through the burial. As we sat under a tent with the hot sun pounding down on us, i looked at his little casket, the lid was closed, never to be open again and it hurt, hurt knowing i was so close to my baby but could not physically see him with my eyes. The moment i dreaded had arrived and the casket was picked up and moved to the side and there was a little hole in the ground that was dug up and prepared to receive the casket. As they lowered him into the ground, i was screaming in my mind, NO...please God NO! Tell them to take him out now. Tears streamed down my face as Tom and I silently got up and placed a single red rose on top of his casket and then walked to our seats. I was not prepared for what happened next. The sound that still haunts me to this day. It was the sound of dirt, hitting the top of the casket, and it was unbearable. THUMP- I will never hear him cry. THUMP- he will never have a first birthday. THUMP- There will never be a first day of school. THUMP- i will never hear what his voice sounded like or hear i love you mommy. THUMP- I will never see him grow up. I was sobbing silently and wanted to scream again for then to stop, to go and rescue my baby from the cold harsh ground, to take him and run and never stop running. Oh Jesus i cried, i need you, i need you now more then i have ever needed you before. And in that moment i know God was with us, holding us, weeping with us. He too knew what it felt like to loose his only son, the hurt and pain i felt, God knew all too well. In that moment i know he was with us giving us the strength to take the next breath...to take the next step.
I sat in silence as they continued to bury him and in that moment i closed my eyes and thought about how the Lord has been with me in every step of my life, the good the bad the ugly he has walked through it all with me, and this by far is and will be the worst pain i will face in this life. I said to myself "he is Lord, and i will always remember that today was a day that i trusted him with my son, with my life despite the hurt.
Isaiah 43:1-3
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your savior"
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