In the first 4 1/2 weeks after Grant died, I was so mad at God, I thought God had abandoned me, I had waited for so long for this baby and God allowed him to die in my womb. I remember telling my pastor and close friends that I hated God, how could an all powerful and loving God do this to me? Give me my hearts desire and then take it away? to me that was the cruelest thing ever and how could God do this? I felt like God had abandoned me and turned his back on me. Why I would scream in my head why God? Why would you wait till I was so far along to have my baby's heart just stop without any reason? Why? It was more of accusation then an actual question.
I was so lucky to have my mother in law with me for the first 4 weeks after Grants death...though I can say during that time I did everything I could to ignore God to question everything I have believed in my whole life. I was so in love with Grant he was my future and in an instant that future was taken from me and I just blamed God. I was so sick of hearing Romans 8:28 though ironically has always been my favorite scripture now rang bitter in my ears. Once my mother in law left, which was just this last weekend I was now facing a fear that I had...and that fear was being alone with myself and with God...I had done my best to ignore God the last 4 weeks and now I was forced to be alone with myself which at times I can be my worst enemy and alone with a God I was so mad at was too frightening for me to face. Though I know that God was and is always with me in the first month I made the choice to not let him into my inner most being, to hide the parts of my heart that were so broken. Before I had the distraction of having someone here all the time and now I am forced to be alone with myself and God....something I was too afraid to face the past 4 weeks. It is both hard and good for me...it is a time of healing that I need in my relationship with the Lord and a time to face my grief head on. Before I was trying to walk around my grief but I am now forcing myself to walk through it which is so painful. I'm also choosing to walk through it with the Lord I know that would be an easy choice normally but it is one that I have to make every minute of my day to allow God to walk with me and be a part of my hurt and healing. This is going to be a life long journey and I'm sure I am going to fall a lot but I have to believe that HE will turn my loss and heartache into something beautiful for his glory...not easy to see...but I'm CHOOSING to allow him into the darkest part of my heart and CHOOSING to allow him to bring the healing that i so desperately need.
Just in this past week I have realized that I never really hated God I just had an intense anger and bitterness toward him, I know that I will still have my moments where I get angry at God, but I am comforted by Psalm 73:21-26...it is truly my hearts cry.
"When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
I've been following your story since it broke amongst our mutual friends on Facebook and there hasn't been a moment that I've not included you among my prayers for friends who are hurting deeply and need a touch of God. I thought I might share my friends Blog if you havn't read it, it was something she wrote before her husband passed on due to complications from cancer.
ReplyDeletehttp://kristinjamison.blogspot.com/2011/10/extreme-makeover-god-edition.html
I don't know what it's like to lose a child or to have a spouse ripped from my from cancer. I do know what it's like to face personal pain in what it seems like a state of being "alone in this world" and there is only your own voice, the voice of God, and the deafening silence. It can be mind numbing, it can also be healing.
I don't pretend to know God's plan every step of the way, that would be foolish. But I know a few things that have been made pretty clear in my life and the life of my friend above. God is in control and he can and will use the pain in our lives for good. Someone out there will benefit from your story and find comfort in it and your strength. I have also learned that every day is a choice. We can choose to let our own hurt consume us, or we choose joy and let it flow through us.
I pray God blesses you every day. I admire your strength and courage in the face of this tragedy. I know someone out there will be looking for your kind of strength to emulate in their own lives.
I am always and ever will be a friend to you and your husband. I pray and hope my words of encouragement find you and help.
Dza Devlesa.
Bill.
I love you sweet friend! It takes a very strong person to be open and honest about their journey!
ReplyDeleteI just want to point out that the emotions you felt towards God are in a way a direct result of your faithfulness, trust and dedication to Him. If you had not totally committed this baby and your life and marriage to Him, it would not occur to you to feel as though He completely let you down and was cruel to you. As you continue to process through your grief and learn to trust Him again, we are all standing with you and holding up your hands to heaven.
Thank you for sharing this and for the beautifully written words. I love this verse and see how it seems to say the very thing that your heart is saying.
Your friend always,
Katie
What a beautiful photo of your son. I'm so glad you have started this blog.
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