Today was really hard for me, while talking to my husband i would say accidentally throughout the day "if Grant ever has a nightmare or gets scared at night, we should let him stay with us in our room" or "If you take Grant to a movie you better not let him have any mt dew" and then i would stop and the feelings of horror struck me, in that moment i had talked as if Grant were still alive, and i was still planning on his future....a future that no longer existed. I just sat there and cried. And wondered why am i doing this? why am i saying these things? I know he is dead, so why is this coming out of my mouth? The reason i think is because before his death all our conversations were about Grant, about his future, i am a planner by nature and i would sit with my husband and plan and dream for our sons future. I remember when we found out we were having a boy we were driving away from the doctors office and i just started crying loudly and i cried to Tom "one day he is going to get married, and no girl will ever be good enough for him" my sweet husband just smiled at me, and i thought to myself and I'm sure tom felt the same way "i feel sorry for whoever my son marries cause she will have to deal with me (mashele)" LOL. So even then i was preparing myself for his future, though i would have liked to believe that he would have wanted to stay at home till he was 30 and then let me choose his wife for him LOL! So for me not to be planning his future seemed so wrong and i guess a part of my brain and heart were still holding on to that.
Tom and I decided that once a week we will bring a kids book or the bible to read out loud at the grave site. I know that must sound so weird to you but to me it is really special and important, even though i know it is just a body and that Grant is in heaven, i still want to do the "motherly thing" and read to my baby. When we got to his grave it was so nice outside, it was supposed to be wet and gloomy but it was a warm 68 degrees and blue skies! We got out folding chairs and brought out the book "Guess how much I love you" this book is really special to both tom and i. I would read this book to Grant all throughout my pregnancy, and one time he was not being active, so i assumed he was sleeping and after reading the book i said "Grant mommy loves you so much, do you know how much i love you?" and in that instant i got a huge kick and punch as if Grant was responding back to me "yes mommy i know and i love you too" :)
While siting at grave we got out the book....the book we had planed on reading to him all throughout his childhood, thinking to ourselves this is not how it is supposed to be. Tom and i decided to take turns reading pages and as i started to read i just cried as i read, every so often looking up to the sky and wondering if Grant could see and hear us from heaven. I wonder if Grant knows how much we wanted him and love him and miss him? I hope he can, but if cant see us then i do know that Jesus is telling him all about us and when we get to heaven we will be greeted by an adorable boy who will run into my arms and say "mommy i love you, i have been waiting for you." What a sweet day that will be, i cant wait. But for now on this side of heaven i want Grant Thomas Moore to know that his mommy and daddy "love him to the moon, and back again." (quote taken from guess how much i love you.)
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