Baby Boy

20 weeks...he was breech

One year ago today i had an ultrasound and this ultrasound is the picture above declaring that i was having a BOY!  I was so happy! I wanted a boy so badly and when the tech told us within 30 seconds of our ultrasound the gender i was overwhelmed with joy.  My baby was a boy and he now has a name... "Grant Thomas" 

Every time i saw something blue my eyes would spot it right away, i loved shopping for his cute little clothes and toys.  Decorating his nursery was so fun for me, it was also a time of bonding with Grant, i would tell him everything i was doing and whenever i would walk by his bookshelf i would take out a book and read it to my sweet little guy.  I would walk by his crib with anticipation that in less then 20 weeks he would be sleeping there.  I would be changing his diapers at his changing station.  I would hold his blankets in my arms dreaming and looking forward to holding his sweet little body in those blankets. 

                                                        My 23 week baby belly

 I miss my Grant so much...i cant believe that in almost 2 months it will be the 1 year anniversary of his birth and death.  He will be spending his first birthday in heaven....he will be spending all of his birthdays in heaven. 

Today we went to his grave and in the flower arrangement i made for him and his brother there are 2 pin wheels and they were not moving..they were standing still.  A moment later the sun came out from behind the clouds and a gush of wind came and those pinwheels were spinning so fast they looked like a sparkling rainbow of diamonds.  In that moment i got a picture in my head of Grant and Zachary running in heaven together holding those pinwheels, laughing and having the best time.  I started to smile....my heart started to warm up with that thought.  Thank you Jesus that when i am in  a moment of reflection and deep grief you allow me to have that moment where i can just get a glimpse into heavens glory.

                          Pictures of Grants Nursery- The only thing left was to add curtains.

Fathers Day 2012

Tom holding Grant right after he was born

                                                     Tom holding Zachary after he was born

Tom holding Zachary in his casket

This weekend is Fathers Day.  My heart is full of sorrow knowing that our 2 son's will not be here to celebrate and honor their daddy on this day.  My heart aches knowing that Tom will not get the chance to raise our boys.  I know he would have always held them in his arms, watching cartoons with them, telling them at least 20 times a day how much he loves them, he would be chasing Grant around the house...(by now Grant would be mobile and would have been crawling everywhere!)  Trying to teach them rhythm with little baby drum sets :) Hearing their laughter echo through our home would have been the most amazing sound ever! 

But those dreams and hopes are gone....and we are learning to let those dreams go....we will never let our sons go...but the dreams we had for their lives are what we are learning to release. It is hard.

When both of our boys were born the memory's that stick out to me the most is that of Tom holding them in his arms and walking around the hospital room, talking, praying and singing over their bodies...pouring his love out to them, with tears of sorrow flowing down his cheek.  It was a beautiful sight and i can't wait til i can see Tom holding them in heaven..this time they will be alive and i can only imagine what Joy's we will feel in that moment!

I love and cherish the memory that i have of memorizing their precious bodies.  Grant and Zachary had my nose but everything else was Tom.  If you looked at our baby pictures Grant looks like a mini Tom (except tom was bald as a baby and Grant had LOTS of hair)

 Even in death Tom is an amazing Dad to our son's.  When it was time to bury them he did everything in his power to make sure they got the best of everything, that they were honored.  Even now once a week he takes the time to clean their gravestone..making sure they look nice.  I wish that this Fathers Day was different...but we have a gentle peace knowing that our boys are with our heavenly father, that He is holding them in his arms.

Happy Father's day to my amazing husband!

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Eileen Knight Hagemeister

9 Years

On this day 9 years ago Tom Moore II asked me to be his girlfriend and i said yes.  The 9 years have been full of great joys and deep sorrows. 

When i was a little girl i made up a list of all the qualities i wanted in my future husband...i even wrote what i wanted him to look like too! lol.  I am happy to say that on that list there were 30 things that i wanted in my future husband and Tom met and exceeded that list. God gave me my hearts desire by giving and blessing me with Tom as my husband. 

There is no one else i would ever want to walk this road with.  God knew the journey that my life would take and he knew that i needed a very special man to walk it with.  Tom loves me unconditionally...he has always and i mean always been gentle with me in speech and in actions, he works so hard to provide me a good life.  He holds my hand when life gets scary and promises to honor and love me in all he does. I am so blessed!

  As we celebrate 9 years of being together we celebrate it with a heavy heart.  Wishing that our sons could be here with us. Remembering that this day also holds the fact that it has been 3 months since our second son Zachary went to be with Jesus.  This life has many ups and downs but i am so thankful to be walking this road with Tom by my side and the Lord as our guide.  To my husband i say thank you for guarding, honoring and protecting my heart...every day you make me feel like a princess. I love you!

Tom and I June 2003

                                                        Tom and I present day 2012

                                                                                                                                                    

Trust....9 months

I am a stubborn person, some may say even strong willed.  I am someone who wants everything in my life planed and laid out before me.  I want to always be in control.  Throughout my life i have always said to the Lord "I want your will to be done in my life" i really thought i meant it, but in all honesty i always held back a part of me when i said that to Him.  I did that just in case His will was not what i had  wanted, i could just take charge of my own future and manipulate it to be what i wanted.  What a twisted thought! But i was too afraid, afraid that what He wanted for my life was not on my list of things for what i desired.  I thought i knew what was best for me.

9 Months ago i gave birth to my first son Grant, I had waited so many years for him! He was the deepest desire of my heart.  Now as i am kneeling and weeping before the Lord over my broken dreams that lay before me like glass shattered on a cement floor, i feel the Lord whisper softly to my heart asking me if i can trust Him with my future.  I had trusted Him with my son and i feel in a way he failed me by not letting me keep and raise Grant and now Zachary.  I trusted the Lord with the most precious thing ever...i trusted Him with my sons lives and now their earthly body is buried in the ground.  So how can i now trust Him with my future?

 He responds to my raw and aching heart by declaring “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11    I want to believe this..i really do. Lord help me to trust you.



I have been able to trust the Lord in my day to day life...but i am having such a hard time trusting Him with my future.  I want to, i know i need to, but I'm holding on to that piece of my heart clawing desperately at the darkness that is the unknown before me trying to regain an ounce of control; and in that moment i again feel the Lord asking me ever so gently to trust Him.  Not with just a little slice of my heart, but with every part of my heart, the part that i think i have hidden from Him, but in reality there is nothing that can be hidden from the one who knew me, who knew my future since before the world was created. I can say it with my mouth, think it in my head all i want but until i am able to fully surrender that part of my heart to him i wont be able to be receptive to the future He has for me.  He reminds me to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, 
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths. " Proverbs 3:5-6

I am learning that there is pain in surrendering, but following the surrender He fills that once empty void with the fullness of Himself.  Corrie Ten Boom said "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."   So as i continue on this journey of grief and healing i am humbling myself before the Lord with knees bent and palms open before the Lord asking Him "For His will to be done in my life."

But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say,

 “You are my God.” 
My times are in Your hand.

 Psalm 31:14-15



Thankfulness

1 Chronicles 16:8  

"Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done."

I wanted to share with you something the Lord has been doing in my life recently.  The topic is being THANKFUL.  This has been a tough subject for me because i have found it so hard to be  thankful the past 8 1/2 months. 

Right now i am learning that i  need to be be thankful in ALL my circumstances. My pattern is that i usually just give thanks to the Lord for good things and it is usually the big things that i focus on.

Giving thanks to the Lord in all things has really changed the lenses on which i view my daily life.  For example the other day it seemed like everything was going wrong, ever have one of those days where is kinda spirals out of control? 

The old me would just focus on the negative and let it slowly eat away at my heart, i would not be able to find anything to be thankful for.  But now the Lord has shown me that when i start to get those negative thoughts, or find myself reacting poorly to a situation i need to stop and find something in my life or in that situation to be thankful for and give praise to the Lord. Psalm 34:1  "I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips."

Once i have changed my perspective and focus on giving thanks to the Lord i feel different, i feel like the weight of that situation has been lifted off my shoulders and i can marvel in the goodness of the Lord, i can see his beauty even in the mess that is before me.

Recently i was encouraged to keep a journal of things to be thankful for in my daily life, at first i wrote just the big things and i would get discouraged because nothing big or amazing happened in my day.  But then the Lord showed me that the small things matter, i can be thankful for the gentle breeze the rustles the trees outside, the bubbles of soap that escape my sink reflecting rainbows of colors as they float in the air or the free coffee i got at dutch brothers that day etc.   In doing this it has challenged my heart to search deeply and find the beauty of what is before me and learn to be thankful in all circumstances.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Rejoice always,  pray continually,   give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 

When i am able to put my focus on the Lord and learn to be thankful i find that i can feel the joy of the Lord, and in turn that gives me the strength and the courage to face whatever comes my way.  It is not easy, it is something that i have to daily remind and train myself to do.  But when i do it, it is so worth it!

Psalm 28:7

"The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise him."

Cross references:

1. 1 Thessalonians 5:1 : Ac 1:7
2. 1 Thessalonians 5:1 : 1Th 4:9
3. 1 Thessalonians 5:2 : S 1Co 1:8
4. 1 Thessalonians 5:2 : S Lk 12:39
5. 1 Thessalonians 5:3 : Jer 4:10; 6:14; Eze 13:10
6. 1 Thessalonians 5:3 : Job 15:21; Ps 35:8; 55:15; Isa 29:5; 47:9, 11
7. 1 Thessalonians 5:3 : 2Th 1:9
8. 1 Thessalonians 5:4 : S Ac 26:18; 1Jn 2:8
9. 1 Thessalonians 5:4 : ver 2
10. 1 Thessalonians 5:5 : S Lk 16:8
11. 1 Thessalonians 5:6 : Ro 13:11
12. 1 Thessalonians 5:6 : S Mt 25:13
13. 1 Thessalonians 5:6 : S Ac 24:25
14. 1 Thessalonians 5:7 : Ac 2:15; Ro 13:13; 2Pe 2:13
15. 1 Thessalonians 5:8 : ver 5
16. 1 Thessalonians 5:8 : S Eph 6:14
17. 1 Thessalonians 5:8 : Ro 8:24
18. 1 Thessalonians 5:8 : Isa 59:17; Eph 6:17
19. 1 Thessalonians 5:9 : 1Th 1:10
20. 1 Thessalonians 5:9 : 2Th 2:13, 14
21. 1 Thessalonians 5:10 : Ro 14:9; 2Co 5:15
22. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 : 1Th 4:18
23. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 : Eph 4:29
24. 1 Thessalonians 5:12 : Ro 16:6, 12; 1Co 15:10
25. 1 Thessalonians 5:12 : 1Ti 5:17; Heb 13:17
26. 1 Thessalonians 5:13 : S Mk 9:50
27. 1 Thessalonians 5:14 : 2Th 3:6, 7, 11
28. 1 Thessalonians 5:14 : Ro 14:1; 1Co 8:7-12
29. 1 Thessalonians 5:15 : Ro 12:17; 1Pe 3:9
30. 1 Thessalonians 5:15 : Eph 4:32
31. 1 Thessalonians 5:16 : Php 4:4
32. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 : S Lk 18:1
33. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 : S Eph 5:20
34. 1 Thessalonians 5:19 : Eph 4:30
35. 1 Thessalonians 5:20 : 1Co 14:1-40
36. 1 Thessalonians 5:21 : 1Co 14:29; 1Jn 4:1
37. 1 Thessalonians 5:21 : Ro 12:9
38. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 : S Ro 15:33
39. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 : Heb 4:12
40. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 : S 1Th 3:13
41. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 : S 1Th 2:19
42. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 : S Ro 8:28
43. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 : S 1Co 1:9
44. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 : Nu 23:19; Php 1:6
45. 1 Thessalonians 5:25 : Eph 6:19; Col 4:3; 2Th 3:1; Heb 13:18
46. 1 Thessalonians 5:26 : S Ro 16:16
47. 1 Thessalonians 5:27 : 2Th 3:14; S 1Ti 4:13
48. 1 Thessalonians 5:28 : S Ro 16:20

What it means to be a Mother

Yesterday my husband surprised me with a poem he wrote for me to give to me on my first Mothers Day without my sons.  It meant so much to me and he even got it framed too! I am so blessed to have him in my life and i wanted to share the poem he wrote me:

What it means to be a Mother

Written by Tom Moore

What it means to be a mother
is so much more than people think
more than the act of giving birth
though while hard passes in a blink

No a mother is much more than this
for her life is forever changed
for now her heart is not her own
her priorities rearranged

While there are many thoughts out there
of what the word mother might mean
the truth is not found in the name
but rather in actions seen

A mother is one whose love never fails
it never falters
it never dies

A mother is one whose children always come first
no matter how hard
or how many tears cried

A mother is a mother
no matter the cost
whether heart and arms full
or broken with loss

Though meanings can change
one thing I know to be true
When I hear the word mother
I Think Of You

   Thomas
       Grant                Zachary

Mommy's first time holding Grant

Mommy's first time holding Zachary

Mothers Day.........

Today is 2 months since Zachary went to be with the Lord and it is almost 9 months since Grant's arrival in heaven. Where has time gone? I can't believe that it has been that long!  Today is also mothers day.  It is hard not having my boys with me right now...being a mom to children who are in heaven is so hard.  You have that peace in your heart that they are safe in the arms of the Lord but the other part of me wants them in my arms right now...well i want Grant in my arms and Zachary in my tummy!  I ache for them from every core and fiber in my being...i miss them more then words can say.

I went to the cemetery today to spend time with my boys...even though i know its just their bodies that are in the ground that they are alive in heaven...i just wanted to be close to those little bodies that i carried within me, those little bodies that i held in my arms and love because they are part me and part my husband. 

When i was spending time at the boys graves i looked around me and God really spoke to my heart.  The first thing was that i noticed a tree that was in "baby land" where the boys are buried....last week it was full of white blossoms but today they were gone and they were replaced by green leaves.  When i looked at the tree i could not believe that in just a few short days the tree could change so much!  But i felt the Lord whisper to my heart that life will change, it wont stay the same it will always be changing, some for the good and some for the bad, but that He would never change, as much as i feel like life is whizzing by me He is the same, and when i feel overwhelmed i just need to take that moment to remember that Jesus is the same yesterday today and forever and that is the one thing i can count on in a world that is full of so much unpredictability.

The second thing he showed me is that today on Mothers Day i am not the only one hurting, those who have lost children are not the only ones that feel sorrow and pain on this day.  I looked around me and the cemetery was the fullest i had ever seen! There were so many people there and you know what they were doing?  They were visiting their Moms, their Grandmothers, their wives....the women in their lives who they loved that are no longer living, and those people were hurting, wishing that their loved one could be here in order to celebrate mothers day.  So to anyone who is reading this blog and you have a mother or a women who you honored in that role in your life who is no longer with you i want you to know that i am thinking about you and acknowledging your pain that you feel today.  A friend of mine sent me this verse and i want to close with it:

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (the Message)