Trust....9 months

I am a stubborn person, some may say even strong willed.  I am someone who wants everything in my life planed and laid out before me.  I want to always be in control.  Throughout my life i have always said to the Lord "I want your will to be done in my life" i really thought i meant it, but in all honesty i always held back a part of me when i said that to Him.  I did that just in case His will was not what i had  wanted, i could just take charge of my own future and manipulate it to be what i wanted.  What a twisted thought! But i was too afraid, afraid that what He wanted for my life was not on my list of things for what i desired.  I thought i knew what was best for me.

9 Months ago i gave birth to my first son Grant, I had waited so many years for him! He was the deepest desire of my heart.  Now as i am kneeling and weeping before the Lord over my broken dreams that lay before me like glass shattered on a cement floor, i feel the Lord whisper softly to my heart asking me if i can trust Him with my future.  I had trusted Him with my son and i feel in a way he failed me by not letting me keep and raise Grant and now Zachary.  I trusted the Lord with the most precious thing ever...i trusted Him with my sons lives and now their earthly body is buried in the ground.  So how can i now trust Him with my future?

 He responds to my raw and aching heart by declaring “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11    I want to believe this..i really do. Lord help me to trust you.



I have been able to trust the Lord in my day to day life...but i am having such a hard time trusting Him with my future.  I want to, i know i need to, but I'm holding on to that piece of my heart clawing desperately at the darkness that is the unknown before me trying to regain an ounce of control; and in that moment i again feel the Lord asking me ever so gently to trust Him.  Not with just a little slice of my heart, but with every part of my heart, the part that i think i have hidden from Him, but in reality there is nothing that can be hidden from the one who knew me, who knew my future since before the world was created. I can say it with my mouth, think it in my head all i want but until i am able to fully surrender that part of my heart to him i wont be able to be receptive to the future He has for me.  He reminds me to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, 
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths. " Proverbs 3:5-6

I am learning that there is pain in surrendering, but following the surrender He fills that once empty void with the fullness of Himself.  Corrie Ten Boom said "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."   So as i continue on this journey of grief and healing i am humbling myself before the Lord with knees bent and palms open before the Lord asking Him "For His will to be done in my life."

But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say,

 “You are my God.” 
My times are in Your hand.

 Psalm 31:14-15