3 Months

Isaiah 46:4

^“Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”

     It has been 3 months since Grant died.  I can't believe it has been that long, while there are times that it feels more like 3 years have gone by.  It is getting harder and i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my son should be here with me and its hard to accept that.  I have also been struggling with who am I now that my son is dead? Once the pregnancy test showed “Pregnant” I became aware that I was now a mom.  Being a mom is something that I had been dreaming and praying about for so long and when I saw that one word it changed me to the core of my being.  For the eight months that I was pregnant I was changing becoming a new person, I was not just "Mashele Tom’s wife", but I am now Grants mommy too! It was what I wanted to be, more than any tittle I could have received, being his mommy was my hearts desire.                 

Yes I am still Grant’s mommy, it’s just different knowing that I can’t be with him on this side of heaven and do all things I had planed and dreamed of doing.  I was going to be super mom, be the cool mom.  Have the warm welcoming home that all his friends wanted to come over to.  Be the kind of mom that he was proud of. I feel like I have no identity now, a fish out of water.  I feel lost, like I'm wondering around in a wild forest tripping over the rough terrain and getting slapped in the face by tree branches as I try to find my place in this world. 

 I know that I should not have wrapped my entire identity up in being Grants mom.  I know that it is part of who I am and who I will always be but it should not be ALL of who I am.  Its just hard when you love someone so much.  I know that my identity should be in is Christ.  I am trying to daily take the steps to do so.  I researched in my bible about our identity in Christ and I came up with a list.  When i have my moments of identity crisis i try to remember the following: 

In Christ:

I am God's child  (John 1:12)

I have been justified  (Romans 5:1)

I belong to God  (1 Corinthians 6:20)

I am a member of Christ's Body  (1 Corinthians 12:27)

I am assured all things work together for good  (Romans 8:28) 

I am confident that God will perfect the work He has begun in me (Philippians 1:6) 

I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-discipline  (2 Timothy 1:7)

I am chosen before the creation of the world (Ephesians 1:4, 11) 

I am adopted as his child  (Ephesians 1:5)

I am given God's glorious grace lavishly and without restriction   (Ephesians 1:5,8)

I am forgiven (Ephesians 1:8; Colossians 1:14)

I have purpose (Ephesians 1:9 & 3:11)

I have hope (Ephesians 1:12) 

I am salt and light of the earth  (Matthew 5:13-14)

I have been chosen and God desires me to bear fruit   (John 15:1,5)

I am a personal witness of Jesus Christ (Acts 1:8) 

I am alive with Christ (Ephesians 2:5) 

I am a holy temple (Ephesians 2:21; 1 Corinthians 6:19)

I can approach God with freedom and confidence (Ephesians 3:12)

I am His disciple (John 13:15)

I am promised eternal life (John 6:47)

My heart and mind is protected with God's peace (Philippians 4:7)

I am chosen and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12)

I am blameless (1 Corinthians 1:8)

I am set free (Romans 8:2; John 8:32)

I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37)

I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Thanksgiving

It's thanksgiving day and Grant is not here with us.  It's thanksgiving day and i don't really feel thankful.... i know i have many things to be thankful for, but at the moment it is hard. I feel angry that my son is not here with us.  I should be holding him in my arms right now, instead i visited his grave this morning.  It's not fair. it is simply not fair.  But one thing i am 100% grateful for is the fact that i did get to hold my son in my arms and i got to hold his little hands and kiss his sweet face.  I may not get to have him with me here on earth, but one day when it is my time to go to heaven i will be able to spend eternity with my son.  I am thankful for the sacrifice that Jesus made for me on the cross, taking away my sins so that i get that opportunity to go to heaven and to have the assurance that i will see my baby again.

Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 " But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

It has been 2 months, 3 weeks and 1 day since my baby Grant died.  Instead of 2 mths is feels like it has been 2 years!  Even though life is passing by me i still feel like i am in slow motion, barely moving and stumbling over my feet.  My grief has moved into a new category for me and that is i feel weak and i am filled with this crushing sadness.  I have always been sad, but i had other strong emotions at the beginning which overshadowed it. 

I feel a deep intense sadness that Grant is not here and it hits me at my core and consumes me...before i was able to keep myself from crying when i was out in public but i feel like i have lost control of that emotion and it always happens in settings where i would like to appear strong.  But I'm not strong i am so weak, i experienced the death of my son, the person i felt the most connected to, the person i loved the most in the world is no longer here and it is so hard.  I am not a weak person by nature so this is such a struggle for me. 

 Hebrews 4:14-16: "So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe.  This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.  So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most."   I am so glad that God is not surprised that i am weak, he has gone before me and given his life for me, so i can come to him with my weakness and ask him to help me and when i do he does not magically take it away from me, but he gives me a new strength that can only come from him.  Its a gentle grace that allows me to walk each hard step, its the power of Christ in me that make me trust him with my life in spite of my pain,   its a confidence in knowing that he who began a good work in me will carry it out to completion, i don't know what it will look like but he does.  Its the gentle calling of his voice asking me to come to him with my pain and in turn he will give me comfort. 

The Lord has given me peace in my heart, but its not the peace that you would normally assume.  Even though my heart is crushed and i feel so weak i have a peace and a comfort knowing that my son is safe in the arms of Jesus and that i will one day see my Grant.  I have a peace in knowing that whatever may come either good or bad i have the Lord with me and the confidence to go before him with all my joys and with all my sorrows, knowing that i have given him control of my life and i don't have to fear.  John 14:27: "I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid"  

 I am reminded of a kids song i learned when i was 4 years old, even though it is so simple the words are powerful:

"Jesus loves me! this I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
they are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so."

Yes Jesus Loves me, and Yes he is so strong!  The only thing that is truly helping me on this journey is knowing that Jesus loves me and that is all i need to know! Knowing i have the love of Jesus has given me the strength and courage to admit that i am weak and that HE is strong.  His love is what let's me know every second of the day that i can make it.

7 Years

*warning this is really mushy and me being all crazy in love with my hubby*

Last Sunday November 13, 2011 was my 7 year wedding anniversary to my husband Tom.  I just wanted to take a moment to Thank God and to thank my husband for being the most amazing husband to me.  I believe with all my heart that God hand picked Tom for me...i am so lucky!  Tom is so strong and gentle at the same time, he has never once yelled at me or said hurtful words.  He is a man who loves Jesus with all of his heart, he sees the best in every person and in any situation.  He was so amazing with me when Grant died, he was always there holding me, praying for me and loving me.  I honestly hear at least 30-40 times a day i love you!  He is so talented and so smart!  And in my opinion he is the most handsome man in the world!  I could list so much more!!!!  Thank you God for showing me your love and goodness by allowing me to be tom's wife.



Moving Forward With God

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Right now i am in a weird place in my grief, I have a lot of moments where it is too hard to look forward and it's too painful to look back.  I feel stuck.  I want to be able to look to the past even though it was the most painful part of my life, it is also the most joyous time as well, and to be honest the future looks too scary to face. I hate that my future does not include Grant being alive, i hate it.  So where do i go from here, where i feel stuck unable to live in the past and to scared to dream about the future?  I need to live in the present.   I need a new perspective, a new focus.  And instead of only looking at my sorrow and heartache I need to look to Jesus and keep my eyes on Him.  I feel like Peter wanting to believe it is Jesus who is calling out to me, asking me to trust him and get out of the boat but like Peter my thoughts start to drift and i start focusing on all the grief that is consuming me and i start to drown.  Jesus wants me to stay focused on him and when  i do have those moments of doubt and i get too consumed with myself i can call out to him and he will reach out his hand and save me.
I have no doubt that if i keep myself centered in God, i will be able to move forward again.  Not forgetting my son but learning to live a life without him living in it, he will always be one of the biggest parts of life i just feel guilty about going forward, he never got a future here on earth and i feel guilty if i am happy or start to progress in my grief and healing.  But with God i cant go back and i cant stay in the same spot i have to keep on moving and growing, knowing he is always with me and he will help me take the steps to live fully and freely in Him.  It will be baby steps, but I'm choosing to take them, i don't know where they will take me, but if I'm taking them with the Lord, eyes focused on him then i know he will provide the grace and strength for the next step.

My Son's Gravestone

Isaiah 26:3

"You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you"

  Today Tom and I went to the the cemetery to watch them put our sons gravestone down.  This was a day that i was both looking forward to and dreading.  I was looking forward to it because i would always know where my son was buried, never having to wonder.  The dreading part is obvious, to me it was the reality and finality of his death. I did not know how i would handle seeing his name and date of death written in stone.
  When we got to the cemetery i saw a couple of the worker preparing the land by his grave for his gravestone.  It made me nausea's, it was something that i did not want to face but knew i had to.  I am his mom and even though i cant physically be there for him, i can honor him by being present in this moment no matter how hard it would be.  It was so cold out in the mid 40's! So different from his funeral when it was 90 degrees out!  Both extreme temperatures to match my extreme grief.
  When the workers got the gravestone out and placed it on the ground, in that moment i just felt peace, i felt proud that my husband had chosen such a beautiful gravestone for our son, the black granite sparkled in what little sun that peaked through the clouds.
  As i stood there looking at it i felt so sad, the week that Grant was to be born was the week that we saw his gravestone be put on his grave.  It sucks.  It should not be this way, i should be holding my son in my arms right now, getting no sleep and feeling so lucky to have such a sweet little boy as my son.  Tom should be rocking him in the rocker, singing to him so i could get a little bit of sleep.  So many "should have been's" there are hundreds of them if i listed them all.  It's not fair that we have to miss out on Grants life. 
  Even though his gravestone was the final act for his burial, it is not the final act for his short life.  I don't know how but i will make sure that Grant will have a legacy that his life will matter and i know that somehow God will turn it into purpose. It is my hope, my prayer that his life, his story will help people.  But if i had the choice i would have him back in a second, but i don't have a choice and i cant dwell on the "what ifs" and "should have beens"...even though i do, its hard not to.  But i need to focus on allowing God to somehow take my deepest pain and my greatest loss and turn it into purpose for his glory.

Peace among death

John 3:16

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."



  The cemetery, a place that once brought fear into my heart, i was so afraid of them because it was full of death, and death was my ultimate fear, not so much my death but fear of those i love dying.   I would avoid any cemetery at all cost, there was no reason for me to face that fear and have the reality of death all around me. Since Grants death i have changed.  I no longer fear death and i find the cemetery to be the most peaceful and relaxing spots i have to go to.  Not just because it is quiet but i feel like i am closer to my son, even though it is just his body, he is alive in heaven i know that.  But i still have that longing to be near him and going to his grave site gives me that peace.  I could spend hours there if i could.
 The last time i was at the cemetery my heart was broken, not just over my loss but for the loss of others.  Grant is buried in what they call "Baby Land"  and in baby land there has to be over 100 babies and children who are buried there.  As i walked by each gravestone i would read the name and the date, some like my baby only had one date the day  they were born and died, while others maybe had a few months to a year marked.  It broke my heart that each one of these children would never get to experience life.  I wonder what there story was, how are there parents doing?   I hurt for the other mommy's and daddy's and families who were and are suffering over the loss of their child, i know how it feels and i don't like the thought of others having to experience this horrific nightmare that i am in. But they did, they are and its not right. 
  There were also gravestones that were from 30 plus years ago and i wonder if anyone visits their grave anymore?  Do people still remember them? because even though they only had a short life, it was a life that mattered.  But i know in my heart that all those babies are in heaven right now and that brought a peace to my heart. Another thought hit me, what if the parents do not have a relationship with Christ? I have the assurance that i will see my baby again one day, but for those who do not know Christ they don't have that and it broke my heart yet again. 
  I am so thankful that i have that future hope of being in heaven with my son one day! 1 John 5:11-12 " And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have the Son of God does not have life."