Trust....9 months

I am a stubborn person, some may say even strong willed.  I am someone who wants everything in my life planed and laid out before me.  I want to always be in control.  Throughout my life i have always said to the Lord "I want your will to be done in my life" i really thought i meant it, but in all honesty i always held back a part of me when i said that to Him.  I did that just in case His will was not what i had  wanted, i could just take charge of my own future and manipulate it to be what i wanted.  What a twisted thought! But i was too afraid, afraid that what He wanted for my life was not on my list of things for what i desired.  I thought i knew what was best for me.

9 Months ago i gave birth to my first son Grant, I had waited so many years for him! He was the deepest desire of my heart.  Now as i am kneeling and weeping before the Lord over my broken dreams that lay before me like glass shattered on a cement floor, i feel the Lord whisper softly to my heart asking me if i can trust Him with my future.  I had trusted Him with my son and i feel in a way he failed me by not letting me keep and raise Grant and now Zachary.  I trusted the Lord with the most precious thing ever...i trusted Him with my sons lives and now their earthly body is buried in the ground.  So how can i now trust Him with my future?

 He responds to my raw and aching heart by declaring “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11    I want to believe this..i really do. Lord help me to trust you.



I have been able to trust the Lord in my day to day life...but i am having such a hard time trusting Him with my future.  I want to, i know i need to, but I'm holding on to that piece of my heart clawing desperately at the darkness that is the unknown before me trying to regain an ounce of control; and in that moment i again feel the Lord asking me ever so gently to trust Him.  Not with just a little slice of my heart, but with every part of my heart, the part that i think i have hidden from Him, but in reality there is nothing that can be hidden from the one who knew me, who knew my future since before the world was created. I can say it with my mouth, think it in my head all i want but until i am able to fully surrender that part of my heart to him i wont be able to be receptive to the future He has for me.  He reminds me to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, 
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths. " Proverbs 3:5-6

I am learning that there is pain in surrendering, but following the surrender He fills that once empty void with the fullness of Himself.  Corrie Ten Boom said "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."   So as i continue on this journey of grief and healing i am humbling myself before the Lord with knees bent and palms open before the Lord asking Him "For His will to be done in my life."

But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say,

 “You are my God.” 
My times are in Your hand.

 Psalm 31:14-15



Thankfulness

1 Chronicles 16:8  

"Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done."

I wanted to share with you something the Lord has been doing in my life recently.  The topic is being THANKFUL.  This has been a tough subject for me because i have found it so hard to be  thankful the past 8 1/2 months. 

Right now i am learning that i  need to be be thankful in ALL my circumstances. My pattern is that i usually just give thanks to the Lord for good things and it is usually the big things that i focus on.

Giving thanks to the Lord in all things has really changed the lenses on which i view my daily life.  For example the other day it seemed like everything was going wrong, ever have one of those days where is kinda spirals out of control? 

The old me would just focus on the negative and let it slowly eat away at my heart, i would not be able to find anything to be thankful for.  But now the Lord has shown me that when i start to get those negative thoughts, or find myself reacting poorly to a situation i need to stop and find something in my life or in that situation to be thankful for and give praise to the Lord. Psalm 34:1  "I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips."

Once i have changed my perspective and focus on giving thanks to the Lord i feel different, i feel like the weight of that situation has been lifted off my shoulders and i can marvel in the goodness of the Lord, i can see his beauty even in the mess that is before me.

Recently i was encouraged to keep a journal of things to be thankful for in my daily life, at first i wrote just the big things and i would get discouraged because nothing big or amazing happened in my day.  But then the Lord showed me that the small things matter, i can be thankful for the gentle breeze the rustles the trees outside, the bubbles of soap that escape my sink reflecting rainbows of colors as they float in the air or the free coffee i got at dutch brothers that day etc.   In doing this it has challenged my heart to search deeply and find the beauty of what is before me and learn to be thankful in all circumstances.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Rejoice always,  pray continually,   give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 

When i am able to put my focus on the Lord and learn to be thankful i find that i can feel the joy of the Lord, and in turn that gives me the strength and the courage to face whatever comes my way.  It is not easy, it is something that i have to daily remind and train myself to do.  But when i do it, it is so worth it!

Psalm 28:7

"The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise him."

Cross references:

1. 1 Thessalonians 5:1 : Ac 1:7
2. 1 Thessalonians 5:1 : 1Th 4:9
3. 1 Thessalonians 5:2 : S 1Co 1:8
4. 1 Thessalonians 5:2 : S Lk 12:39
5. 1 Thessalonians 5:3 : Jer 4:10; 6:14; Eze 13:10
6. 1 Thessalonians 5:3 : Job 15:21; Ps 35:8; 55:15; Isa 29:5; 47:9, 11
7. 1 Thessalonians 5:3 : 2Th 1:9
8. 1 Thessalonians 5:4 : S Ac 26:18; 1Jn 2:8
9. 1 Thessalonians 5:4 : ver 2
10. 1 Thessalonians 5:5 : S Lk 16:8
11. 1 Thessalonians 5:6 : Ro 13:11
12. 1 Thessalonians 5:6 : S Mt 25:13
13. 1 Thessalonians 5:6 : S Ac 24:25
14. 1 Thessalonians 5:7 : Ac 2:15; Ro 13:13; 2Pe 2:13
15. 1 Thessalonians 5:8 : ver 5
16. 1 Thessalonians 5:8 : S Eph 6:14
17. 1 Thessalonians 5:8 : Ro 8:24
18. 1 Thessalonians 5:8 : Isa 59:17; Eph 6:17
19. 1 Thessalonians 5:9 : 1Th 1:10
20. 1 Thessalonians 5:9 : 2Th 2:13, 14
21. 1 Thessalonians 5:10 : Ro 14:9; 2Co 5:15
22. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 : 1Th 4:18
23. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 : Eph 4:29
24. 1 Thessalonians 5:12 : Ro 16:6, 12; 1Co 15:10
25. 1 Thessalonians 5:12 : 1Ti 5:17; Heb 13:17
26. 1 Thessalonians 5:13 : S Mk 9:50
27. 1 Thessalonians 5:14 : 2Th 3:6, 7, 11
28. 1 Thessalonians 5:14 : Ro 14:1; 1Co 8:7-12
29. 1 Thessalonians 5:15 : Ro 12:17; 1Pe 3:9
30. 1 Thessalonians 5:15 : Eph 4:32
31. 1 Thessalonians 5:16 : Php 4:4
32. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 : S Lk 18:1
33. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 : S Eph 5:20
34. 1 Thessalonians 5:19 : Eph 4:30
35. 1 Thessalonians 5:20 : 1Co 14:1-40
36. 1 Thessalonians 5:21 : 1Co 14:29; 1Jn 4:1
37. 1 Thessalonians 5:21 : Ro 12:9
38. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 : S Ro 15:33
39. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 : Heb 4:12
40. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 : S 1Th 3:13
41. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 : S 1Th 2:19
42. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 : S Ro 8:28
43. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 : S 1Co 1:9
44. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 : Nu 23:19; Php 1:6
45. 1 Thessalonians 5:25 : Eph 6:19; Col 4:3; 2Th 3:1; Heb 13:18
46. 1 Thessalonians 5:26 : S Ro 16:16
47. 1 Thessalonians 5:27 : 2Th 3:14; S 1Ti 4:13
48. 1 Thessalonians 5:28 : S Ro 16:20

What it means to be a Mother

Yesterday my husband surprised me with a poem he wrote for me to give to me on my first Mothers Day without my sons.  It meant so much to me and he even got it framed too! I am so blessed to have him in my life and i wanted to share the poem he wrote me:

What it means to be a Mother

Written by Tom Moore

What it means to be a mother
is so much more than people think
more than the act of giving birth
though while hard passes in a blink

No a mother is much more than this
for her life is forever changed
for now her heart is not her own
her priorities rearranged

While there are many thoughts out there
of what the word mother might mean
the truth is not found in the name
but rather in actions seen

A mother is one whose love never fails
it never falters
it never dies

A mother is one whose children always come first
no matter how hard
or how many tears cried

A mother is a mother
no matter the cost
whether heart and arms full
or broken with loss

Though meanings can change
one thing I know to be true
When I hear the word mother
I Think Of You

   Thomas
       Grant                Zachary

Mommy's first time holding Grant

Mommy's first time holding Zachary

Mothers Day.........

Today is 2 months since Zachary went to be with the Lord and it is almost 9 months since Grant's arrival in heaven. Where has time gone? I can't believe that it has been that long!  Today is also mothers day.  It is hard not having my boys with me right now...being a mom to children who are in heaven is so hard.  You have that peace in your heart that they are safe in the arms of the Lord but the other part of me wants them in my arms right now...well i want Grant in my arms and Zachary in my tummy!  I ache for them from every core and fiber in my being...i miss them more then words can say.

I went to the cemetery today to spend time with my boys...even though i know its just their bodies that are in the ground that they are alive in heaven...i just wanted to be close to those little bodies that i carried within me, those little bodies that i held in my arms and love because they are part me and part my husband. 

When i was spending time at the boys graves i looked around me and God really spoke to my heart.  The first thing was that i noticed a tree that was in "baby land" where the boys are buried....last week it was full of white blossoms but today they were gone and they were replaced by green leaves.  When i looked at the tree i could not believe that in just a few short days the tree could change so much!  But i felt the Lord whisper to my heart that life will change, it wont stay the same it will always be changing, some for the good and some for the bad, but that He would never change, as much as i feel like life is whizzing by me He is the same, and when i feel overwhelmed i just need to take that moment to remember that Jesus is the same yesterday today and forever and that is the one thing i can count on in a world that is full of so much unpredictability.

The second thing he showed me is that today on Mothers Day i am not the only one hurting, those who have lost children are not the only ones that feel sorrow and pain on this day.  I looked around me and the cemetery was the fullest i had ever seen! There were so many people there and you know what they were doing?  They were visiting their Moms, their Grandmothers, their wives....the women in their lives who they loved that are no longer living, and those people were hurting, wishing that their loved one could be here in order to celebrate mothers day.  So to anyone who is reading this blog and you have a mother or a women who you honored in that role in your life who is no longer with you i want you to know that i am thinking about you and acknowledging your pain that you feel today.  A friend of mine sent me this verse and i want to close with it:

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (the Message)

Pictures of Grant

Yesterday i posted my 8 month blog on Grant....but today being the actual 8 month anniversary of his birth i wanted to share a couple pictures of him that make my heart smile

                                         Grant @ 30 weeks...Our last ultrasound of him...he died 3 days later

                                                       Daddy giving Grant his first bath

My handsome little man

8 Months...Missing my Grant

Tomorrow April 30th will be 8 months since Grant passed away!  That little guy has been a part of our lives for 16 months.  Even though it has been 16 months i feel like he has always been a part of our lives...i think it is because for so many years we prayed, longed and hoped for him...even though we did not know him we dreamed of him, dreamed of being his mommy and daddy.

At the 8 month mark of Grant dying and going to be with Jesus..i am feeling so much thankfulness in my heart.  I am thankful to the Lord that he heard my prayers and gave me my firstborn son Grant.  I am thankful that i got to experience all the joys of pregnancy with him.  Don't get me wrong i love my husband with all my heart but being Grant's mommy gave me the ability to be filled with a love that is so pure and so BIG and so powerful.  I am so thankful that i got to hold his beautiful perfect body in my arms...stroking his soft skin and holding his hand while telling him how much i love him. 

I wish to God that Grant was alive right now and that i was given the opportunity to raise him and watch him grow into the man of God that i knew he would become.  But that was taken from me. But I'm learning that if i focus on what was taken from me i wont be able to see and appreciate what has been given to me.  And what was given to me was the gift of being his mom.  The gift of knowing him even though it was for a short time, the gift of joy and hope and also for the gift of sorrow which in turn is changing me..

8 months ago we said goodbye to Grants earthly body...a body that i love and still visit weekly...but so thankful that it was not our final goodbye.  Even though it may feel like forever here on earth...when i am standing before my Lord with my boys in my arms it will feel like a blink of an eye as if no time has passed. 

Thank you Lord for showing me these things as i continue to walk this road with you.

Hallmark and God Moments...

Today Tom and i went to the Hallmark store to look around.  We walked in and right there in front of me was a wall art that had classic pooh (we did that as Grants theme for his nursery) It is a rare sight to find anything classic pooh....when Tom and i were decorating Grants nursery we had to go to thrift stores and buy things online...stores just did not sell classic pooh anymore.  Seeing this made me sad, but what it said brought a bittersweet feeling to my heart.  It said "As long as we walk this road together our memories will be our guide"

Tears started to form so i walked away...i did NOT want to cry in hallmark! Right in front of me was the the book "Guess How Much I Love You" in a recordable version where you could record your voice reading it.  It was the book i read to Grant all the time and it was the book we had read at Zachary's memorial service.

Tears started to stream down my face as i was trying to make my way to the back of the store so no one would see me crying and to my left and right were blue items saying "congrats on your baby boy" etc.  I wanted to scream...Hallmark was becoming a true nightmare for me, i could not turn around without things screaming out reminding me that my 2 son's were dead.

 I walked over to the Willow Tree Figures (that was the reason why we were there in the first place...we wanted to get a figure to represent our boys...i started collecting these figures to represent the special and memorial times in my life)  I looked around and something stood out to me that made my heart swell up with love and deep sorrow at the same time.  It was 2 little boys sitting and the caption for the figurines were "Two Together"  I knew in that instant that this was the perfect one to represent my 2 boys who are together in heaven.

We were driving home from the mall and i had this urge to go to the cemetery...we had just been the day before but i felt like i had to go. When we arrived we noticed that there were more people there then we normal see.  For the first time i saw another family in "Baby Land" (its where  my boys are buried) I sat by my boys grave and just sat there quietly.

I have been struggling lately with feeling so lonely...not a lot of people that i know have experienced what i have gone through and most if not all of those few people live far from me and its such a lonley  place to be...don't get me wrong i am glad that people have not experienced what i have gone through...i would not wish it on the most horrible person in the world...its just a lonely road to walk for me especially right now.....but i know that i am not really alone...I am walking it with the Lord knowing that He will be my closest friend and will walk with me me through every low and high moment that i face.

So back to being at the boys grave...a sweet woman came up to me and she was the one that was in babyland with her family visiting her 2 children that were buried there 18 years ago. I felt it was a God moment...because i have been feeling so alone in all of this and I was able to talk to another mother face to face who knows what i am feeling and going through and it really blessed my heart.  She and her husband gave us 2 beautiful roses to place at our boys graves and that was so sweet and really blessed us. I am so thankful that i serve a God who sees my pain and the times of loneliness and brings people into my life that help bring comfort to me and bless my heart at just the right moment.