Today Tom and i went to the Hallmark store to look around. We walked in and right there in front of me was a wall art that had classic pooh (we did that as Grants theme for his nursery) It is a rare sight to find anything classic pooh....when Tom and i were decorating Grants nursery we had to go to thrift stores and buy things online...stores just did not sell classic pooh anymore. Seeing this made me sad, but what it said brought a bittersweet feeling to my heart. It said "As long as we walk this road together our memories will be our guide"
Tears started to form so i walked away...i did NOT want to cry in hallmark! Right in front of me was the the book "Guess How Much I Love You" in a recordable version where you could record your voice reading it. It was the book i read to Grant all the time and it was the book we had read at Zachary's memorial service.
Tears started to stream down my face as i was trying to make my way to the back of the store so no one would see me crying and to my left and right were blue items saying "congrats on your baby boy" etc. I wanted to scream...Hallmark was becoming a true nightmare for me, i could not turn around without things screaming out reminding me that my 2 son's were dead.
I walked over to the Willow Tree Figures (that was the reason why we were there in the first place...we wanted to get a figure to represent our boys...i started collecting these figures to represent the special and memorial times in my life) I looked around and something stood out to me that made my heart swell up with love and deep sorrow at the same time. It was 2 little boys sitting and the caption for the figurines were "Two Together" I knew in that instant that this was the perfect one to represent my 2 boys who are together in heaven.
We were driving home from the mall and i had this urge to go to the cemetery...we had just been the day before but i felt like i had to go. When we arrived we noticed that there were more people there then we normal see. For the first time i saw another family in "Baby Land" (its where my boys are buried) I sat by my boys grave and just sat there quietly.
I have been struggling lately with feeling so lonely...not a lot of people that i know have experienced what i have gone through and most if not all of those few people live far from me and its such a lonley place to be...don't get me wrong i am glad that people have not experienced what i have gone through...i would not wish it on the most horrible person in the world...its just a lonely road to walk for me especially right now.....but i know that i am not really alone...I am walking it with the Lord knowing that He will be my closest friend and will walk with me me through every low and high moment that i face.
So back to being at the boys grave...a sweet woman came up to me and she was the one that was in babyland with her family visiting her 2 children that were buried there 18 years ago. I felt it was a God moment...because i have been feeling so alone in all of this and I was able to talk to another mother face to face who knows what i am feeling and going through and it really blessed my heart. She and her husband gave us 2 beautiful roses to place at our boys graves and that was so sweet and really blessed us. I am so thankful that i serve a God who sees my pain and the times of loneliness and brings people into my life that help bring comfort to me and bless my heart at just the right moment.
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