Today at 8:15am marks the one month anniversary of my 2nd son Zachary being born and going to heaven. To be honest it feels more like a year has passed then a month...i think because i have been on this grief journey for almost 8 months now...it kind of blurs together...but now the loss and grief is X 2.
Last week i got the official pathology report regarding the death of Zachary and it confirmed that nothing was wrong with him...he was perfectly healthy, everything with my placenta and uterus was good. Something unknown caused me to bleed and in turn caused my uterus to contract making me go into pre-term labor. My doctor is working hard to find out what the cause is and we are hoping soon to find the answer. I have the best doctor and feel so blessed to be under his care.
With Grant he passed away before i knew it had happened and that was so hard to face.
The thing that breaks my heart the most is... Zachary was alive the whole time, so healthy and active with a strong steady heart beat till the end..he was just too little to live outside of me and during the last hard moment of my labor is when he went to be with Jesus. I remember the evening before he passed away, not knowing that he would die just talking to him and telling him how much i love him and how wanted he is, and just praying...praying that God would stop the bleeding and Zachary would be able to go to full term and live. I am comforted to know that in the last hours of his life Zachary heard and knew that his mommy and daddy loved him so much.
As Zachary entered heaven the first person he saw with his eyes was Jesus..I wonder if the 2nd person he saw was his big brother Grant, i like to think that they ran into each others arms, and that Grant showed Zachary all the wonders of heaven. I also wonder if they talk about me and tom and if they remember us and know how much we love and miss them and how we look forward to the day when we can hold them in our arms again. I don't know the answers to these questions but i know i will find out when i am standing before the Lord greeted by my precious 2 sons.
I miss them...i just miss them. I was thinking back to how i wrote my first blog about a month after Grant died and i read it again today and i saw the deep intense pain but i also saw a women who was so mad at God but she decided to start to open up her heart once again to the Lord and allow him to start working and to start the healing process on the broken mess that was her heart.
Here i am almost 7 months later and I'm still a broken mess but a beautiful broken mess i am...because i have allowed the Lord into the most ugly and rough pieces of my heart to begin to heal and mold me into the women he had designed and destined me to be. I still have a long ways to go...i wont be whole and completly healed till the day i stand before the Lord in heaven....but I'm choosing to let Him shine through the hurt and pain and trusting Him to bring hope and joy into my life once again...and just thanking the Lord for his strength and those times of quiet stillness when he speaks peace into my aching heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment