Serenity Prayer

  The other day i was watching an old Oprah program where she was interviewing Paula Deen.  I thought it was going to be a fun show talking about cooking, i was wrong.  There was a conversation between Oprah and Paula that hit me hard and made me stop the TV and start to think and pray about something.

Paula was talking about her struggles (i wont go in to them but they were hard) and one day she heard the serenity prayer and the line that stood out to her and to me also was "God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change"  i googled the word serenity and it means "The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled" 

In that moment it hit me and i realized that i have not really accepted the death of my two sons, in fact i refused to accept that they died (i know that they are dead but my heart could not accept it) i thought that if i accept it then it means that i am ok with it and i am definitely not ok with it.  But i realized that the moment i acknowledge that they both died and they wont be coming back and that they really are in heaven with the Lord,  i need to have that peace that untroubled spirit to accept that i cant go back in time and change things and somehow make it so that my boys are still alive, because i daily have those times where i wish to God that he would rewind my life and with the knowledge i have now i could maybe, just maybe save my son's and they could be alive today.  But i cant, and when i ask the Lord to help me to give me that peace that he has my boys with him and in that moment i have to start making the steps to move forward never leaving their memory behind, taking it with me as i move forward with the Lord, knowing He will help me to accept all the things that i cant change.

This was and is a hard lesson for me to learn on my grief journey, but as the prayer continues "to have the courage to change the things i can"  There are things in my life i can change in order to grow closer to the Lord and to be the women He wants me to be.  This is all a daily process asking the Lord to give me that serenity that peace to accept that i have no control over the past, that i need to surrender that feeling of wanting to be in control over to Him and let him be the Lord over my Past, my Present and my Future.