Hope.....

This week Tom and I were supposed to go to my doctor for an ultrasound and if the baby cooperated we would learn what we were having.  I remember when we got the little appointment card in mid February giving us the the date of April 2nd for our appointment for my 19 week ultrasound...I was filled with so much hope and excitement as I began to look forward to the moment of learning the gender of our baby...when I stop and think about it I cant help but imagining the Lord looking at us as we find out that we were pregnant and so soon after Grant had passed away watching as joy and hope started to flood our hearts...watching as i held that appointment card in my hand so excited for the future only tknowing that in 4 months that would all be taken away from us...i cant imagine how hard that must have been to watch us dream and pray and thank Him for this new miracle...That’s a difficult thought, and I wonder if you have ever been there....not in my situation of course but maybe in a moment where you had so much hope in something and soon after it was taken from you?  It would be easy to allow the world to tell us that it wasn’t worth the risk. Why bother to hope at all? 

For me, hope has led me to pray....the moment i found out i was pregnant with Zachary i prayed for him daily it brought me to a deeper place of intamcy with the Lord...trusting Him with the tiny miracle within me. Hope has led me to believe Him. To have the strength and boldness to say that I trust Him above the hurt. It has given me a reason to lift my head, to stake my claim, and to dismiss the shadows that whisper, “it will not be redeemed.” We do not know the ways of the Lord, of course. I’ve heard it said a thousand times and I agree. But there is more to say, isn’t there?

I wish i could know the mind of God to know why he allowd this to happen to Tom and i two times in such a short period of time, but i dont know His ways, but one thing i can know is Him.

This may sound crazy to some, but when i found out i was pregnant i had a feeling that it was a boy and so early on if we were to have a boy I chose the name Zachary because it means "God Remembers" he remembered my pain of Grants death and blessed me with a new baby and that filled my heart with so much hope (and i was right i gave birth to a tiny but beautiful baby boy) being pregnant with Zachary did not answer the questions or silence the hurt of loosing Grant, but it helped me to trust the Lord with my heart once again and bring joy and healing and hope to my aching heart.

Zacharys life and death made me relaize that at times i have put my hope in people and in things and they have let me down or things happend like the death of my sons that seemed to shatter all the hope i had...but in the past week as i have been seeking the Lord he used Zachary and Grant's life as a reminder of the power of hope. Not just in tomorrow. Not just in this life, actually.  But the hope that demands a response in the way we live our lives....

Zachary is with Him

Grant is with Him

So while my feet reach one in front of the other as i walk this hard road, for all the years to come I will remain steadfast and faithful in this:

I have hope because I have Him