The harsh reality of November

1 Peter 5:7 (NLT)

 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."

   Finally the month of November has come. It has been a month that i have been looking forward to since i found out my due date this past March.  With each week that would pass excitement would fill me because that meant that i was getting closer to November.  The month of November held many promises for Tom and I.  I would be celebrating my 29th birthday either holding my son in my arms or preparing to go the hospital in the next day or two to deliver him.
  Well, November is now here, it is a reality. It is like a kick in the gut reminding me of what i have lost.  A harsh reminder that my son was born 2 months ago and died and wont be born this week.  I have always loved the fall, the color of the changing leaves the cool crisp air and excitement that surrounds this time of the year.  Also in the month of November is my birthday, my wedding anniversary and thanksgiving! And it was also to be my sons birthday.
  I remember back in June walking through a jewelry store and looking at the birth stones and wondering if Grant will have Octobers Opal? Or Novembers Yellow Topaz?  He had neither.  His birthstone was August's Peridot a pretty light green color gem.  For the past 2 months (can you believe it has all ready been that long?) I have been dreading this month and all the broken promises and shattered dreams that it now holds.  But i can't avoid it, i cant change the month on the calender, even though i wish i could.  I have to face it head on, does it hurt? you bet it does.  I have moments where i wonder  how will my heart make it through the holidays without my son? My heart really cant bare any more hurt and yet it is looming around the corner as i see the seasons change, it is right in my face as i go into stores and see all things related to Christmas.
  I cant avoid this month and the holidays to come and i cant avoid my pain either.  I have to embrace my grief, i cant suppress my heartache and sorrow. The only thing i can do is cry out to the Lord, even if i have no words just tears, he hears my heart and i know that he is there with me. The things i know to be true in this moment is that: The Lord loves me, he cares for me.  Every part of my life matters to him especially in the midst of pain and loss he is there. He is always present.   I know he is holding me in his arms and bringing me peace in the midst of  my life's greatest storm.  He is placing his nail scared hands on my broken heart and letting me know that he knows what pain is, he understands and he longs to heal my brokenness.  I am reminded by the  Crystal Lewis song  Beauty for Ashes 

 "When sorrow seems to surround you

When suffering hangs heavy over your head

Know that tomorrow brings wholeness and healing

God knows your need, just believe what he said

He gives beauty for ashes

Strength for fear

Gladness for mourning

Peace for despair."

  As i am writing this i really feel like God has spoken to my heart and wants me to not let the month of November define me, or let it control my life.  Yes it is a month that is filled with broken promises and shattered dreams, but i serve a God who makes all things new. And that includes me.  November will always hold a bittersweet feeling for me, but i cant run and hide when it comes.  When the pain gets to be too much for me, i will choose to go to the one who will give me gladness for my mourning and peace for my despair.  I will choose to walk in the hope and the promise that he will be with me every step of the way. Guiding me and loving me through every hard and difficult moment that i face.  



8 Weeks...

John 10:10

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

  I can't believe that it has been 8 weeks!  I know some may wonder why does she keep track of the weeks?  The reason why: When there is a traumatic event in a persons life they are forever tied to that day and or date of event.  If you ask anyone where were you on Sept 11 2001? Most if not all will tell you the exact place and what they were doing when they heard of the news.  For me this is the same.  I remember the exact time on that Tuesday August 30th when the on call doctor told me my son was dead, i know EVERYTHING that i did that day even though it included me in a hospital bed, i remember every conversation and thought that went through my mind.  Every Tuesday at 7:31pm i remember that was the time my son entered into the world and i got to see him for the first time.  I remember 12:30 AM wed august 31st when i had to let go of my baby and give him to the nurse, knowing that was the last time i would ever hold him on this side of heaven.  That is why. 

  I said when i started my blog that i would be honest and write about where i am on my journey.  You see my journey changes from day to day, there is growth and then there are times i am stuck and other times where i am back to square one.  But I'm trying and that is all i can do.  Today has been hard for me.  Last Tuesday my doctor called and told me that the Autopsy report came back Normal, that there was nothing wrong and no reason for his death, Grant was 100% healthy.  Part of me was so happy to hear that there was nothing wrong with my baby but the other part of me needed a reason, there had to be something that i could grasp to blame for the death of my son.

  Well as you can imagine Satan was waiting for this moment to come and fill my head with lies.  Today i was filled with this overwhelming thoughts of What if??? What if i would have gone in sooner could he have still been alive? And that has just been eating me up inside, blaming myself, listening to the lies of Satan.  He would love for me to blame myself and live in the guilt and despair that was surrounding me, well that was overwhelming me.  But i was able to take a brake from my blaming myself and feeling like a failure and ask the Lord to help me, to not let Satan have this victory.  I know that i am not to blame but its still so easy to listen to the lies that Satan throws at me.  It made me stop and think that why is it so easy to listen to the lies of Satan then listen to the truth and receive love and peace from the Lord?

   I have to make the choice to ignore the flaming arrows the the enemy is sending my way and choose to listen to the Lord and receive his truth and peace into my life. And when the devil starts in on me i have to claim the power and authority of Jesus name and he will have to flee and also remind him of his future! Revelations 20:10  "And the devil, who deceived them, was thrown into the lake of burning sulfur, where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown. They will be tormented day and night for ever and ever."
  So when i have those doubts and questions of why and wanting to have a reason for his death, Instead of asking why; i need to put my focus and attention on the Lord. He is my most intimate friend, my most respected Father. He is the One who carries the sun to it’s place and has always remained faithful.  He loves me.  He gave his one and only son for me so that i can be with him for all eternity.  I lost my son, i can never see him in this life, but when i am tormented by the lies of the devil i know that there is nothing to fear because i am safe, Grant is safe in the arms of the Lord.  I know that one day i will be standing before the Lord and even though on earth i had a million questions for him, i don't think i will ask the questions i think i will, because what is the point of asking why? when you are standing before the Lord?  Standing face to face with the Lord, holding my sweet baby boy, instead of asking all those questions i will have heavens peace all around me, the Joy of the Lord surrounding me.  That is what i have to focus on when i have days like today.  Thank you Jesus for the reminder that you love me and that Satan has no power over me; i have nothing to fear because you are in control.

Give Thanks

Psalm 100

A psalm. For giving grateful praise.

^"Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

  Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

  Enter his gates with thanksgiving

and his courts with praise;

give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;

his faithfulness continues through all generations."

  Today when i was visiting Grants grave Tom sang the song "Give Thanks" which is the song he sang to Grant when he first held him in his arms and also the song he sang at his memorial service.  After Tom had finished singing i had my bible out and asked Tom if he could choose a psalm and to read it aloud.  I believe that there is something so special that happens when speaking the word of the Lord out loud, proclaiming it with your voice.  So Tom opened my bible and read the first Psalm that he saw. It was Psalm 100.  It is about being grateful and praising the name of the Lord, i thought it was so neat that Tom had just sang about giving thanks to the Lord and then the first scripture that came to him was Psalm 100.

  As i listened to the words i thought.  Yes Lord, i am so thankful, in the midst of the pain and sorrow i am still full of thanks.  You may wonder why do you feel thankful in your moments of deepest pain and grief.  I answer that question with this.  I am so thankful to the Lord that he gave Grant to Tom and I.  Even though we had him for such a short time, I am so incredibly thankful that the Lord gave him to us.  I cant imagine a life that did not have Grant in it even though it was too brief of a time, i would not trade that time in for anything. Even though his death brought me to the deepest point of sorrow, his life has given me the greatest amount of joy.  I never knew that i could love a person as much as i love my son.  Even in death my love still grows stronger for my little boy. 

 So with a heavy heart i also come with a very thankful one.  So thankful that the Lord chose me to carry Grant Thomas for 8 months.  That he chose me to be his Mommy.  I look forward to the day i am reunited with my son to hold him in my arms once again.  Thank you Lord for giving me the desire of my heart, even though i did not get to keep him on this side of heaven, i say thank you for letting me be Grants mom.  The Lord gives and takes away, but my heart will CHOOSE to say "Blessed be the name of the Lord."

just a touch of his hem

"He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

Mark 5:34

 (story below is my own paraphrase)

   As she walked through the crowds of people that were surrounding Jesus i can imagine her heart was pounding, her eyes were looking at the ground in fear that anyone would see her.  She does not want anyone to know what is going on, she had spent so many years trying to get better but nothing the doctors did helped.  She was desperate for a healing.  All she wants to do is get close enough to Jesus and if she is able to just touch the hem of his clothes then she knew she would be healed physically.  She got close enough to him, still hidden from his sight, still lost in crowd and she reaches out and her hand barley grazes over the fabric of his hem and in that instant she knew that she was healed. And as she prepared herself to leave in private, the crowd suddenly got still and Jesus spoke to the crowd  (verse 30)  "At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”  I can only imagine the women must have felt her whole body freeze, panic striking her she had just been discovered.  Jesus knew who had touched him and he knew the reason why, he wanted her to speak up to identify herself in spite of her fear.  He looked straight at her  (verse 34" "He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” 

  Jesus wanted her to know that he affirmed her faith, that he knew that she believed that he was more powerful then the issue she had had with blood for the last decade of her life.  She had absolute faith that he could heal her and her faith was so powerful that all it took was  a touch of his hem.  I believe that women was healed in 2 different ways that day.  The first was the physical healing and the second was the emotional healing.  She had been trying to hid in shame for so many years, probably wondering if anyone cared about her and her situation and did the Lord see her and know how much her heart hurt?  In that moment Jesus let her know that indeed he did  see her and he knows who she is that she mattered to him.  In that moment the identity of that women who was known as the women with the issue of blood became known as the women who had faith in the Lord.  She will no longer be known for what she was, but by what she had in spite of it.

  No matter what situations people may be dealing with, mine at the moment is dealing with the grief and heartache of my son dying.  I am making a choice to receive the healing that i need from the Lord.  It is not easy to admit that i am total wreck and that i feel like at times i am barely hanging on.  Every fiber in my being wants to hide from the world and try to get lost in the crowd and if i can get close enough touch the hem of his clothes and receive the healing my heart so desperately needs in private then i will be ok.  But that is not what the Lord wants from me personally.  He wants me to run to him with total abandonment, he has never moved he is the same God as he was before my life crashed around me, he is still good, loving and faithful and i have to go to him and lay it all out and have the faith that he will heal my broken heart and bring restoration to a life that seems shattered at the moment.  I don't want to hide from the Lord, its silly to think we do that, no matter how much we try to hide from him, hide our pain, he is there, he sees it and desires to heal us.  All we have to do is ask.  Its that simple. "He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

I Wonder.....

 

 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:38-39

  Today i walked into my bedroom and i looked over on my dresser and saw the hospital picture of Tom, Grant and I (a picture i look at at least 50 times a day) but for some reason today it hit me and hit me hard.  I thought to myself my mother in law should be flying in next week and if Grant was to come when my scheduled C-Section was he would be here in a little over a week! The reality of taking my handsome son home with me from the hospital is not a reality for me, instead i came home from the hospital 7 weeks ago with empty arms a broken heart and a future that was taken from me.
  I think about what it would have been like to hold his warm body in my arms and feel the beat of his heart and hear his cry.  I wonder what life would have been like when i came home from the hospital holding my son in my arms, introducing him to all my friends and family  Instead i got to hold his lifeless body in my arms and cry tears of sorrow instead of joy and instead of taking him to his home, i had to bury him in the ground, the cemetery his new earthly home.  Its not fair.  I miss him so much, i wonder what his birth weight would have been and if his hair would have got thicker and more wavy. I wonder i wonder i wonder???  That is all i can do and it drives me insane! 
  Never in my life have i wanted and loved anything more then my son Grant Thomas.  Tom and i were robed of being his parents he was robed of having a future, a life outside my womb.  What would he have grown up to be? Who's personality would he have more of?  All these questions i wont know.  But i have the hope and promise the Grant is waiting for us in heaven and that  heaven will be his only home that he will ever know (outside of my womb).  Imagine that the first person he got to see with his eyes was Jesus! As selfish as i am in wanting him back i do find peace in knowing that while in my womb i loved him every min of his life, all he knew was the safety of being in me and knowing the love his mommy and daddy had for him and then when his heart stopped beating he was instantly in the presence of the one who gave him life, his creator, his God.  I wonder what that moment was like as Grant left this earth and was ushered into the presence of the Lord? I hope that when i get to heaven God will show me that moment. But for now i wait and i will continue to walk this road of healing and sorrow and i look forward to the day i get to heaven and can hold my son once again and be his mommy for all eternity.

Faith...

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD"

 Psalm 31:24

  My faith in the Lord has always been rock solid since the day i gave my heart to the Lord when i was 4 years old, i have served him everyday of my life through all seasons, good and bad.  I always thought if a horrific event/tragedy occurred in my life i would be strong in my faith, rock solid as before.  Well i was wrong.  The moment the doctor said " he is not alive, your son is dead" all my faith and hope and trust in the Lord seemed to go away in that instant.  How could this be? I have waited over 6 years for this, believed that God had healed my body and given Tom and i a child.  We loved him, we were able to provide for him financially and we all ready dedicated him to Lord.  He would have been so loved and taken care of.  Why then i ask God that people can have babies and cant take care of them and they wind up in foster care, or neglect them, they abuse them, or the worst they kill them.  I don't understand why they can have 5-10 kids and hurt them in the worst way and all i want is 1 child to love and raise up to be a godly person who loves the Lord with all their heart.
   My faith was shaken to its core and i had to make some choices.  I could have walked away from the Lord,  my heart was so broken, so wounded and i felt like in my whole life God has always come through for me, and this is the first time that he did not and i felt betrayed by the one who i had given my life to, the one whom i gave my son to.  But instead of turning my back on God i made the choice, and it is a daily choice to keep my faith.  At the moment it is not a big faith it is small, I'm talking mustard seed small, but that is ok, that is all God requires of me, he does not expect me to have this big faith in him right now, all he wants is me to keep clinging to that faith, and as time continues he will build up that faith, i don't know how or when but i am certain that he will.  If i am willing to trust though the pain and heartache he will take that small faith and day by day as i allow him he will turn it into a big faith, a faith that can move mountains.
  Along with faith i have been asking the Lord to give me hope,  knowing that hope that comes from the Lord is absolute confidence in something that i have not seen or received yet, but  having the faith and hope and the absolute confidence that whatever God has said is going to come to pass not in my timing but in his.  Jesus is the hope for my present and for my future. I have been thinking about the coming of Christ and knowing that he will come back for his children for those who have accepted him as their personal Lord and savior and he is a just God, he will take all those horrible thing i mentioned before and set all the wrong right.  All the bad will be triumphed by good, Righteousness will triumph over evil, i have the complete confidence that he is going to make things all right, make things new, that is my hope.
  So even though my faith has been shaken to its core, i have as the old songs declares, decided to follow Jesus, even through the pain, heartbreak and deep sorrow....there is no turning back, all of my faith, hope and trust is in the Lord.

The Roller Coaster I Call.....Grief

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

  The dictionary defines grief as "deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement."  Wikipedia's definition of  is "a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed."  I agree with the those descriptions and i was thinking about it the other day if i had to describe what grief looked like to me , i would say it would be like riding on a roller coaster.  You feel like life is flying by so fast that you feel like you are constantly loosing your barrings and falling or feel like you are going to fall.  You feel frozen in horror, you have the loops that take you upside down and make you want to vomit.  You have the steady moments where you think you are going to be ok and then within a second you cascade down the track so fast that your heart feels like it is going to explode.  You hold on tight to the rails for fear of letting go because even though you are strapped in you think there is always a possibility that you could fall out or the coaster could fall off its track. Its bumpy, frightening and always leaves you with a horrible feeling in your stomach. 
  As i am on this journey through my grief i have to learn that it is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of being human, when you love someone so much and loose them grief is the cost of loving that person so much.  I am also realizing that people grieve differently and that is ok, countless people have experienced grief and each persons response to grief is different. My path of grief will be unequally my own.  In the begging i struggled because i felt like my husband was not grieving like me and i wondered is there something wrong with me? or was there something wrong with him?  I realized that he was hurting as much as i was but he was showing it in a different way, and that is ok.  Regardless of how my grief appears to me or others, it has a precious uniqueness to the One who created me. God, who knows intimately my personality, my relationships, and the experiences of my life, knows my grief and isn't shocked or surprised by my responses.  There are the "5 Stages of Grief"  -

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

  I have only experienced the first 4 stages and i know i will continue to face them throughout my whole life.  I will have days where i just feel one of those emotions and then i will have days where i feel ALL of them.  All but acceptance.  That is a stage that i don't know if and when i will be able to come to terms with. 
   My prayer is that the Lord will continue to teach me to embrace my grief and not to fight it so i can experience the true healing that comes from the Lord.  I know the Lord is with me and walking with me and he sees the shattered pieces of my life and future laying all around me.  If i allow him he will pick up the broken and shattered pieces of my heart and he will put them together, but they wont be the way that they were before, Instead he will turn them into a new thing, he will ever so gently file down those jagged pieces of hurt, bitterness and despair and pour his love, grace and peace into them creating something new and wonderful, even if i cant see it now, trusting that when anything that's shattered and broken is laid before the lord he will take what was meant for harm and destruction and turn it into something so beautiful, beautiful because inspite of the pain HE will be shining through it.