Joy

It has been awhile since i have written a blog about where i am on this grief journey and i experienced something yesterday for the first time in almost 11 months that i wanted to share.

Yesterday i was able to get out of town for the day with some of our closest friends and guess what...for the first time in almost 11 months i had genuine fun! I allowed for all my walls to fall down and i enjoyed my day, i enjoyed every activity without feeling guilt.  Those nagging feelings of guilt for doing things that would indicate that i am moving forward with life and my boys are not alive and with me physically here on earth.  Those can be hard to ignore

But i know that my children will ALWAYS be a part of my life, they will always be etched deeply into my heart.  I will carry their memory with me every moment i take a breath, with each step i take because they are a part of me.

Will i have my moments when my walls are built up and i feel guilty about enjoying life? Yes..it will be part of my grief journey always..but i know that with each step i move forward it will get a little bit easier, the guilt will slowly fade away.  I am just thrilled that i had that breakthrough yesterday.  It was such an amazing feeling.

This grief journey is hard, its overwhelming, its messy but at times it can be peaceful and so beautiful.  The peace i am talking about is when I'm siting at my boys grave on a warm summer afternoon and i look at the sky and i talk with the Lord, spend time with him, remembering, honoring my little guys, worshiping the Lord and thanking Him that He and He alone has helped me make it this far.

 I look at the pinwheels that we put in the flower baskets at the boys graves, i watch it spin with all its beautiful colors reflecting off the sun, and i can see such a clear picture in my head of my boys running through heaven with those pinwheels, laughing, having the best time, truly knowing and understanding the Joy of the Lord as they play in his presence.

The moments of beauty is when i look back when i was in the hospital almost 11 months ago when Grant died and i wondered how can i do this? how can i survive this loss?  How can i handle this pain that will always ache? 

I sit here typing with tears in my eyes as i write this response..I have made it this far and will continue on towards greater healing and restoration because i have Jesus, because i have made Him the Lord of my life and have chosen to follow Him when i could have turned my back on Him, when i could have said its too hard...i could have allowed for bitterness to consume me but I chose Jesus!He first chose me, He created me, He loves me more then i deserve, He knows ME the good and bad parts and still loved me enough to die for me in order to take away my sins so i can spend eternity with Him!

He has walked through this journey with me, He will continue to walk this journey with me always. I cant and refuse to do this without the Lord. He is taking the ashes of my life and turning the mess into something beautiful for His glory.  I dont know what that is or what it will look like but He does and i can trust in that.

Thank you sweet Jesus for helping, me walking with me and helping take away the walls i have built up so i can truly experience this life and the joy that you desire for me to receive.

4 Months...Zachary

July 13th 2012

I went into a store the other day to look around and siting on a random pile of things with no other books in sight was this book tittled "Guess How Much I Miss You" My heart skipped a beat...did i read this correctly?  My most favorite book that i read to Grant  and Zachary all through my pregnancy's and the book that was read at Zachary's funeral was "Guess How Much I Love You"  I grabbed the book off the shelf...looked at the price and it was the only one in the store and it was on sale for four dollars! (originally $22)  I was so excited! I cant wait to take this book to the cemetery and read it to my boys!  It was a special moment for me, i know the Lord placed it there for me as a special gift..even though it may not seem like something amazing...to me it was a special blessing that i appreciate and that speaks to my heart.

 I wanted to share the words of the book with you...keep in mind that it is a children's book with a big bear talking to a baby bear.

"You know that i love you more then words could ever say.  But do you know how much i miss you when I'm far away?  I miss you more then the flowers would miss the sun.  I miss you more than a squirrel would miss his favorite tree.  I miss you more then the eagles would miss the chance to fly.  I miss you more than a dolphin  would miss the sea.  I miss you every day that we're apart, but don't feel too blue....because i know that with each day, I'm one day closer to seeing you."

Missing my 2nd son, my baby Zachary

(Photo from Zachary's Memorial Service)

Time

I was going though a box of things that had been packed away for years.  I even found my diary that i wrote when i was dating my husband. When i read it i laughed so much at what 20 year old me wrote.  It is so funny how we think we know it all and think are so wise and when we look back we see how silly and young we really were! 

Something else that i found was a watch i used to wear when i was younger, it was so ugly...i am almost too embarrassed to mention it but it was a men's casio sports watch that had a calculator on it! Do you remember those? Mine was not sleek and pretty but big and bulky...but back in the day i thought i was so cool because it had a calculator!

When i was going through that box it brought back memories that made me smile, it brought me back to a time in life that was so simple...my biggest worry and concern was passing my classes in school and wondering if Tom would be my boyfriend!  I wish that life could be as simple as that now, but it is not...i am an adult and with that comes responsibilities.

 Things are different now, not just because of adult responsibilities...i wish that was the case.  My life has changed and will forever be changed because my 2 sons passed away...my future looks different...it still has amazing possibilities for great things to happen..but along with those great things i will always have a part of me that is missing, i will always be a mom missing and longing for my boys, nothing can change that till i am reunited with them in heaven.

The reason why i brought up the watch is because it had me think about time.  Something that i have learned on this journey is that time is so precious...life is so fragile...none of us know how much time we have on this earth and that is what makes it so special.  My baby boys only had little time on this earth, but that 30 weeks and 16 weeks of their lives were important and so precious..i will remember and honor their beautiful lives always.  Even though their lives here on earth were cut short i know that they are alive right now in heaven and that brings a peace to my heart.

Throughout this journey i have learned and found some important things regarding time that i wanted to share.

1. Our time belongs to God -

Psalms 139:16  'Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
This scripture is so beautiful and so intimate.  God knows, He is the creator of all things.  He knows whether we will live 1 day on this earth or 100 years.  As we walk this road of life i dare you to look at your day planner or calender or look back on your week and is spending time with the Lord your main priority in life? Do you set aside time just for Him in your day? Our time belongs to the Lord.

2. Time is for relationships-

Philippians 2:2-4 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." 
We should spend our time in relationship with others, God is our first priority but after Him our family should come next.  And thirdly spending time with friends and other believers, loving and encouraging one another is so important.  Making memories and spending quality time with those we love is a precious gift we have been given and should not take for granted. God created us to have relationship with Him and with others.

3. Time can be savored-

We live in a faced paced world and before we know it time has slipped by us and we stop and think was all the busyness and the schedules worth it?  Life is going to happen, we will all have seasons where life is so fast paced we forget what month or year we are in...and it can get overwhelming trying to bring balance into a life of chaos.  God wants us to enjoy our lives!  It is important to take the time to savor even the small things in life and give thanks to the One who created it all for us. It is so easy to miss out on all the amazing things the Lord has for us when we get lost in our busy schedules. 
If you are eating a really amazingly rich desert you don't just gobble it down quickly, you take your time, you enjoy, savor each bite of your yummy food.  Life is like that desert it is rich and full of goodness and we just have to make ourselves take the time to enjoy it and to savor the moments.

 

To be able to do those things we need to let go of our "watches" metaphorically speaking and open up our hearts, our minds and our hands to the Lord knowing that he is in control of our time hear on earth and it is our responsibility to use it well.  We should live a life of love, letting others see Christ reflected in our lives until it is time for our life here on earth to end and we are then able to go home to heaven and begin to fully live..with Christ for eternity.

10 Months

"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."

John 16:22

It has been 10 months since Grant was born and went to be with Jesus.  It is hard to believe that in 2 months it will be 1 year!  A year ago i was filled with so much joy, hope and excitment.  If i look back and think of all that has happend in the past year that can get so overwhelming...Ann VosKamp wrote the following which sums up what i am feeling right now and i wanted to share it with you.



"When a sparrow gets caught behind the couch, it’s the light at the other end, behind the poor thing, that we keep trying to turn that one pounding heart towards.
Because the thing is and don’t I know it: If you’re turned the wrong way, you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So I’m kneeled on the floor in front of a pounding-heart bird and the moment, it’s a prayer for the sparrow and for me and for all the overwhelmed ones lost and turned around and looking for a way out:
Lord God — of all the world, You see the sparrows —
us with the messy nests who are welcome at Your altar,
us with the loneliness who are encircled in Your care,
us with the smallness who are remembered and held and never forgotten
before the God who has an eye for all the Sparrows.
So sparrows don’t stress. Because they trust. Your Will is better than our ways.
So sparrows don’t hurry. Because they don’t fear. Your altar is better than our agendas.
So sparrows don’t worry — Because they are Yours.
Your sovereignty is better than the skies.
Simplicity doesn’t mean we will live uncomplicated lives. Simplicity is a matter of Focus — the grace to focus our lives simply on Christ.
Be our sole Focus, our only Hope, our deepest Joy —
That we may abandon all the worries… and abide in all Your Word —
Those pages that open up like wings.

And the sparrow, it turns right there on the floor behind the couch, turns towards the window — focuses and sees — and we witness it.
How a sparrow can fall to the ground –
and still fly again."

Baby Boy

20 weeks...he was breech

One year ago today i had an ultrasound and this ultrasound is the picture above declaring that i was having a BOY!  I was so happy! I wanted a boy so badly and when the tech told us within 30 seconds of our ultrasound the gender i was overwhelmed with joy.  My baby was a boy and he now has a name... "Grant Thomas" 

Every time i saw something blue my eyes would spot it right away, i loved shopping for his cute little clothes and toys.  Decorating his nursery was so fun for me, it was also a time of bonding with Grant, i would tell him everything i was doing and whenever i would walk by his bookshelf i would take out a book and read it to my sweet little guy.  I would walk by his crib with anticipation that in less then 20 weeks he would be sleeping there.  I would be changing his diapers at his changing station.  I would hold his blankets in my arms dreaming and looking forward to holding his sweet little body in those blankets. 

                                                        My 23 week baby belly

 I miss my Grant so much...i cant believe that in almost 2 months it will be the 1 year anniversary of his birth and death.  He will be spending his first birthday in heaven....he will be spending all of his birthdays in heaven. 

Today we went to his grave and in the flower arrangement i made for him and his brother there are 2 pin wheels and they were not moving..they were standing still.  A moment later the sun came out from behind the clouds and a gush of wind came and those pinwheels were spinning so fast they looked like a sparkling rainbow of diamonds.  In that moment i got a picture in my head of Grant and Zachary running in heaven together holding those pinwheels, laughing and having the best time.  I started to smile....my heart started to warm up with that thought.  Thank you Jesus that when i am in  a moment of reflection and deep grief you allow me to have that moment where i can just get a glimpse into heavens glory.

                          Pictures of Grants Nursery- The only thing left was to add curtains.

Fathers Day 2012

Tom holding Grant right after he was born

                                                     Tom holding Zachary after he was born

Tom holding Zachary in his casket

This weekend is Fathers Day.  My heart is full of sorrow knowing that our 2 son's will not be here to celebrate and honor their daddy on this day.  My heart aches knowing that Tom will not get the chance to raise our boys.  I know he would have always held them in his arms, watching cartoons with them, telling them at least 20 times a day how much he loves them, he would be chasing Grant around the house...(by now Grant would be mobile and would have been crawling everywhere!)  Trying to teach them rhythm with little baby drum sets :) Hearing their laughter echo through our home would have been the most amazing sound ever! 

But those dreams and hopes are gone....and we are learning to let those dreams go....we will never let our sons go...but the dreams we had for their lives are what we are learning to release. It is hard.

When both of our boys were born the memory's that stick out to me the most is that of Tom holding them in his arms and walking around the hospital room, talking, praying and singing over their bodies...pouring his love out to them, with tears of sorrow flowing down his cheek.  It was a beautiful sight and i can't wait til i can see Tom holding them in heaven..this time they will be alive and i can only imagine what Joy's we will feel in that moment!

I love and cherish the memory that i have of memorizing their precious bodies.  Grant and Zachary had my nose but everything else was Tom.  If you looked at our baby pictures Grant looks like a mini Tom (except tom was bald as a baby and Grant had LOTS of hair)

 Even in death Tom is an amazing Dad to our son's.  When it was time to bury them he did everything in his power to make sure they got the best of everything, that they were honored.  Even now once a week he takes the time to clean their gravestone..making sure they look nice.  I wish that this Fathers Day was different...but we have a gentle peace knowing that our boys are with our heavenly father, that He is holding them in his arms.

Happy Father's day to my amazing husband!

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Eileen Knight Hagemeister

9 Years

On this day 9 years ago Tom Moore II asked me to be his girlfriend and i said yes.  The 9 years have been full of great joys and deep sorrows. 

When i was a little girl i made up a list of all the qualities i wanted in my future husband...i even wrote what i wanted him to look like too! lol.  I am happy to say that on that list there were 30 things that i wanted in my future husband and Tom met and exceeded that list. God gave me my hearts desire by giving and blessing me with Tom as my husband. 

There is no one else i would ever want to walk this road with.  God knew the journey that my life would take and he knew that i needed a very special man to walk it with.  Tom loves me unconditionally...he has always and i mean always been gentle with me in speech and in actions, he works so hard to provide me a good life.  He holds my hand when life gets scary and promises to honor and love me in all he does. I am so blessed!

  As we celebrate 9 years of being together we celebrate it with a heavy heart.  Wishing that our sons could be here with us. Remembering that this day also holds the fact that it has been 3 months since our second son Zachary went to be with Jesus.  This life has many ups and downs but i am so thankful to be walking this road with Tom by my side and the Lord as our guide.  To my husband i say thank you for guarding, honoring and protecting my heart...every day you make me feel like a princess. I love you!

Tom and I June 2003

                                                        Tom and I present day 2012