Joy

It has been awhile since i have written a blog about where i am on this grief journey and i experienced something yesterday for the first time in almost 11 months that i wanted to share.

Yesterday i was able to get out of town for the day with some of our closest friends and guess what...for the first time in almost 11 months i had genuine fun! I allowed for all my walls to fall down and i enjoyed my day, i enjoyed every activity without feeling guilt.  Those nagging feelings of guilt for doing things that would indicate that i am moving forward with life and my boys are not alive and with me physically here on earth.  Those can be hard to ignore

But i know that my children will ALWAYS be a part of my life, they will always be etched deeply into my heart.  I will carry their memory with me every moment i take a breath, with each step i take because they are a part of me.

Will i have my moments when my walls are built up and i feel guilty about enjoying life? Yes..it will be part of my grief journey always..but i know that with each step i move forward it will get a little bit easier, the guilt will slowly fade away.  I am just thrilled that i had that breakthrough yesterday.  It was such an amazing feeling.

This grief journey is hard, its overwhelming, its messy but at times it can be peaceful and so beautiful.  The peace i am talking about is when I'm siting at my boys grave on a warm summer afternoon and i look at the sky and i talk with the Lord, spend time with him, remembering, honoring my little guys, worshiping the Lord and thanking Him that He and He alone has helped me make it this far.

 I look at the pinwheels that we put in the flower baskets at the boys graves, i watch it spin with all its beautiful colors reflecting off the sun, and i can see such a clear picture in my head of my boys running through heaven with those pinwheels, laughing, having the best time, truly knowing and understanding the Joy of the Lord as they play in his presence.

The moments of beauty is when i look back when i was in the hospital almost 11 months ago when Grant died and i wondered how can i do this? how can i survive this loss?  How can i handle this pain that will always ache? 

I sit here typing with tears in my eyes as i write this response..I have made it this far and will continue on towards greater healing and restoration because i have Jesus, because i have made Him the Lord of my life and have chosen to follow Him when i could have turned my back on Him, when i could have said its too hard...i could have allowed for bitterness to consume me but I chose Jesus!He first chose me, He created me, He loves me more then i deserve, He knows ME the good and bad parts and still loved me enough to die for me in order to take away my sins so i can spend eternity with Him!

He has walked through this journey with me, He will continue to walk this journey with me always. I cant and refuse to do this without the Lord. He is taking the ashes of my life and turning the mess into something beautiful for His glory.  I dont know what that is or what it will look like but He does and i can trust in that.

Thank you sweet Jesus for helping, me walking with me and helping take away the walls i have built up so i can truly experience this life and the joy that you desire for me to receive.