First Easter in Heaven

This Sunday is Easter.  A year ago i was pregnant with Grant and was planing and dreaming for  Easter 2012.  I would get him a cute little suit to wear to church, we would try to "help" him decorate eggs, i would make him an Easter basket that he would never remember or really have interest in :)   I know i would have taken so many pictures documenting his first Easter holiday.

Here it is...Easter is in just a few days.  A month ago i knew it would be Grants first Easter in Heaven but i did not know that he would be spending it with his little brother Zachary in heaven. 

I wish my boys were here, Grant would be around 5 months and Zachary would still be inside me and be 20 weeks.

Even though it is so hard knowing they are not with me, i know that they get to spend their first Easter in heaven with Jesus.  Easter is not about all the fun and traditional things i mentioned above...Easter is about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ dying for our sins and rising from the dead.  If Jesus had not paid the price for my sin...i would not have the opportunity to spend all of eternity with my sons.  Because of His sacrifice i have the assurance of being in heaven because i chose to accept him as my personal Lord and savior.  He laid down his own life so that i could have eternal life. 

Even though i don't know exactly what my boy's will be doing on Easter Sunday i can only imagine that they are spending it in the throne room of God, in the very presence of the one who created them worshiping Jesus and singing with the angels and this gives some peace and helps to quiet the aching in this mommy's heart.


1 John 5:11-12 "And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.  Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have the Son of God does not have life."

Romans 10:9 "If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Hope.....

This week Tom and I were supposed to go to my doctor for an ultrasound and if the baby cooperated we would learn what we were having.  I remember when we got the little appointment card in mid February giving us the the date of April 2nd for our appointment for my 19 week ultrasound...I was filled with so much hope and excitement as I began to look forward to the moment of learning the gender of our baby...when I stop and think about it I cant help but imagining the Lord looking at us as we find out that we were pregnant and so soon after Grant had passed away watching as joy and hope started to flood our hearts...watching as i held that appointment card in my hand so excited for the future only tknowing that in 4 months that would all be taken away from us...i cant imagine how hard that must have been to watch us dream and pray and thank Him for this new miracle...That’s a difficult thought, and I wonder if you have ever been there....not in my situation of course but maybe in a moment where you had so much hope in something and soon after it was taken from you?  It would be easy to allow the world to tell us that it wasn’t worth the risk. Why bother to hope at all? 

For me, hope has led me to pray....the moment i found out i was pregnant with Zachary i prayed for him daily it brought me to a deeper place of intamcy with the Lord...trusting Him with the tiny miracle within me. Hope has led me to believe Him. To have the strength and boldness to say that I trust Him above the hurt. It has given me a reason to lift my head, to stake my claim, and to dismiss the shadows that whisper, “it will not be redeemed.” We do not know the ways of the Lord, of course. I’ve heard it said a thousand times and I agree. But there is more to say, isn’t there?

I wish i could know the mind of God to know why he allowd this to happen to Tom and i two times in such a short period of time, but i dont know His ways, but one thing i can know is Him.

This may sound crazy to some, but when i found out i was pregnant i had a feeling that it was a boy and so early on if we were to have a boy I chose the name Zachary because it means "God Remembers" he remembered my pain of Grants death and blessed me with a new baby and that filled my heart with so much hope (and i was right i gave birth to a tiny but beautiful baby boy) being pregnant with Zachary did not answer the questions or silence the hurt of loosing Grant, but it helped me to trust the Lord with my heart once again and bring joy and healing and hope to my aching heart.

Zacharys life and death made me relaize that at times i have put my hope in people and in things and they have let me down or things happend like the death of my sons that seemed to shatter all the hope i had...but in the past week as i have been seeking the Lord he used Zachary and Grant's life as a reminder of the power of hope. Not just in tomorrow. Not just in this life, actually.  But the hope that demands a response in the way we live our lives....

Zachary is with Him

Grant is with Him

So while my feet reach one in front of the other as i walk this hard road, for all the years to come I will remain steadfast and faithful in this:

I have hope because I have Him

A Rainbow In The Midst Of A Storm....7 Months

Tonight at 7:30pm will officially be 7 months since our first son Grant Thomas went to be with Jesus....

Yesterday I prayed that while I was out and about that God would show me a sign, a sign that my heart would recognize letting me know that my boys are safe in heaven with the Lord.  I was in the car with my friend it was raining out and I looked out the window and the whole time we were  driving I saw a beautiful rainbow…never in my life have I seen a rainbow during the rain…(it is always seen after the rain it is Gods way of telling us that he would never flood the earth again.)  But to see that rainbow during the storm I felt was a sign from God letting me know that he has Grant and Zachary both safely in his arms and that even though what Tom and I are going through is the worst thing anyone could face, God has shown me also speaking in symbolism…that throughout the stormy times He will always provide me a rainbow and give me a promise that He is there…even though it seems like my life is out of control….He is in control and will guide us through the deep pain and suffering and will take away the pain that makes it hard to breathe and he will heal our hearts that seem broken beyond repair and use that brokenness that will be healed as a place where we can help others who need the healing power of the Lord too.

  It is not easy..the devil has made it clear that he does not want the Lord to heal us…but he has no power and authority over our lives..but he still has tried to make this healing time more difficult for us…but when i stand up to the devil with all the authority given to me in Christ he has to leave...he may try all he can to get to us, to have us turn our backs on God,  he wont win....we will NEVER do that.  The more I lean on the Lord for support and love him and choose to worship Him in in spite of my questions and my anger at him for allowing my sons to die…he then gives me a special grace to walk this hard road and a peace that will help to quiet the storm that surrounds me...I am not saying it is or will be easy...its hard so unbelievably hard to do...I am thankful that i serve a God who knows its hard and that i am weak...but 2 Corinthians 12:9 says that “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Days.....

My husband and i are the kind of people that remember and or celebrate all the special little and big milestones in our lives. This Tuesday marked 2 weeks since Zachary passed away.  It seems so unreal that it even happened.  He should still be in me, i should at this point be feeling his first kicks and movements in me...in all our ultrasounds he was so active i knew i would be getting lots of kicks and punches from my little guy.  I am mourning over the loss of feeling those special movements that i always loved and looked forward to with my firstborn Grant.  I feel so cheated that this coming Monday the 2nd tom and i wont be learning the gender of our baby and shopping and decorating for his jungle theme nursery...but instead we found out 2 weeks ago that we had a boy when the doctor announced "its a boy" just moments after he had passed away.  There are many more things that i will miss out on...but these are the main ones that are hitting me hard at the moment. I miss him and love him with every fiber in my being.

Today the 28th also holds a memory of my firstborn son Grant that i love.  One year ago today we announced to the world that we were pregnant and that we were due to have the  baby the first week of November. It was the day i saw my baby on the ultrasound screen for the first time and saw that beautiful heart beating so strong.  I was so excited and nervous to let everyone know that we were going to be parents...that the desire of my heart came true after 6 years of praying and seeking God for a child....he answered my prayer.  Sadly as you know that i only got to keep Grant for 30 weeks.  This Friday will mark 7 months since Grant went to be with Jesus.

I just really miss my boys right now and want them to know that i remember those special days and keep them close to my heart.

This is the 8 weeks ultrasound i shared with all my family and friends 1 year ago today.

Daddy holding Grant after he was born

                                              Daddy holding Zachary after he was born

Zachary Thomas Moore

My sweet baby Zachary in his daddys hands

March 13 2012

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

I cant believe i am writing this, i cant even wrap my mind around it.  After 13 hours of labor my 16 week baby boy was born.  There was nothing wrong with him, he was alive until the last final moments of my labor because he was just too young to live.  We don't know what caused the bleeding that made me go into pre-term labor but in the next few months we will try to find out all the answers we can as to what happened.

 I am still in shock that within 6 1/2 months i had 2 beautiful healthy sons pass away before they ever got to take their first breath of life.  Its not fair.  My heart was just starting to heal after Grants death and in a moment that was all taken from me when my son Zachary Thomas Moore was born and did not survive.  I am now grieving for 2 sons, 2 sons that i wanted more then anything in the world, i know it has just been a week but i have moments where i don't think my heart can handle the pain...it is just too intense.  I miss my boys so much.

 As soon as Zachary entered the world i heard the Dr say "its a boy" and then the nurse say "yep there is no doubt about it its a boy!"  Snow had started to lightly fall outside the windows and i looked down at my son who was 5 inches long and perfectly formed with long fingers and big feet (like his brother and daddy) I looked at his profile and he looked so much like his big brother and that made my heart ache.  I watched as my husband held him in the palm of his hand and sang to him "God will make a way" with tears streaming down his face just loving on his son.  I sat there with silent tears asking God "Why?"  Why would you allow for us to face this once again...i really thought that God had blessed us with Zachary, that he remembered our pain and that the month of August was going to be a time of restoration and healing for us.

I cant believe this journey has taken a new direction...a direction that i hate.  but i have no choice.  I am so mad at God right now, but through the anger and bitter tears, i still love Him i still trust Him, sometimes i think how could i trust Him after all this...but i do, i have to, He is the only thing that really helped me make it when Grant passed away and now as i face the loss of my second son i need the Lord more then ever, i need His peace and comfort in a big way.  I have had moments this past week where i feel like God has forgotten about me....and it is a lonely place to be.  But I'm choosing in spite of my deep pain and sorrow to surrender it to the One who is holding my sons in his arms right now.  As we start this new scary journey tom and i ask that you remember us in your prayers. 

I am hoping to write on this blog once a week.  Thank you for taking the time to listen to this mothers breaking heart and thank you for walking this road with us by supporting us with prayers and by just being there for us.

6 Months

This week will be 6 months since Grant passed away!  Really has half a year gone by?  So many things have happened in the last 6 months that just amaze me.  First of all today Tom and I were at Grants grave today and i was hit all of a sudden with this intense emotion and was thinking 6 months ago i did not know how i would make it to the next day the pain and heartache too intense.  But i did make it, here i am 6 months later.  I still hurt deeply and miss my son more then ever, but like i said in a previous blog post the pain is not as bad and i will always miss and grieve for my baby.  The only way i was able to make it these past 6 months is because i depended on the Lord for my every breath, for my every step and even though it was hard at first because i was SO angry at the Lord for allowing Grant to die, i still chose to trust Him and love Him in spite of the hurt and the questions i had.  With the Lords strength and grace i was and i am able to make it.  My faith though once big became deflated in my tragedy but i chose to cling to that muster seed of faith and guess what? With each day the Lord increased my faith little by little.

I know most of you know but God chose to bless Tom and I with another baby.  I did not know if it would ever happen again and i prayed that when and if it happened that it would be in the Lords perfect timing.   And 3 months after Grant went to be with the Lord we got pregnant!  We were shocked!  Well baby #2 is expected to be born 1 year from when Grant was born and died.  This is bittersweet for us.  Will it be hard. Yes. But it will be so good.  I believe that it will be a great time of healing for our hearts. 

With this pregnancy am i scared and nervous? Yes Yes and Yes.  Its hard because there was nothing wrong with Grant, he was perfect...not knowing what caused his death is so frustrating and makes me even more nervous right now.  But just like i trusted the Lord to help me make it each day after his death (and still to this day)  I am trusting the Lord with this baby.  I trust and have faith that i will be able to hold this baby in my arms and hear its beautiful first cries and be able to take this baby home and raise it to be a Godly man or women.  We feel so blessed and honored that God has chosen us to be this child's parents. 

The other day i had an ultrasound and we could see the baby kicking its legs and putting its little hand on its face, and in that moment i feel deeply in love with this child so amazed at the Lords blessings.  Whew what a journey we have been on and will continue on...its just now our journey has taken a new road, and we thank everyone for your love and support.

A friend gave me this poem and i wanted to share it:

Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are

referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow

after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a

rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it

doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing

with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light

has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.