March 13 2012

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

I cant believe i am writing this, i cant even wrap my mind around it.  After 13 hours of labor my 16 week baby boy was born.  There was nothing wrong with him, he was alive until the last final moments of my labor because he was just too young to live.  We don't know what caused the bleeding that made me go into pre-term labor but in the next few months we will try to find out all the answers we can as to what happened.

 I am still in shock that within 6 1/2 months i had 2 beautiful healthy sons pass away before they ever got to take their first breath of life.  Its not fair.  My heart was just starting to heal after Grants death and in a moment that was all taken from me when my son Zachary Thomas Moore was born and did not survive.  I am now grieving for 2 sons, 2 sons that i wanted more then anything in the world, i know it has just been a week but i have moments where i don't think my heart can handle the pain...it is just too intense.  I miss my boys so much.

 As soon as Zachary entered the world i heard the Dr say "its a boy" and then the nurse say "yep there is no doubt about it its a boy!"  Snow had started to lightly fall outside the windows and i looked down at my son who was 5 inches long and perfectly formed with long fingers and big feet (like his brother and daddy) I looked at his profile and he looked so much like his big brother and that made my heart ache.  I watched as my husband held him in the palm of his hand and sang to him "God will make a way" with tears streaming down his face just loving on his son.  I sat there with silent tears asking God "Why?"  Why would you allow for us to face this once again...i really thought that God had blessed us with Zachary, that he remembered our pain and that the month of August was going to be a time of restoration and healing for us.

I cant believe this journey has taken a new direction...a direction that i hate.  but i have no choice.  I am so mad at God right now, but through the anger and bitter tears, i still love Him i still trust Him, sometimes i think how could i trust Him after all this...but i do, i have to, He is the only thing that really helped me make it when Grant passed away and now as i face the loss of my second son i need the Lord more then ever, i need His peace and comfort in a big way.  I have had moments this past week where i feel like God has forgotten about me....and it is a lonely place to be.  But I'm choosing in spite of my deep pain and sorrow to surrender it to the One who is holding my sons in his arms right now.  As we start this new scary journey tom and i ask that you remember us in your prayers. 

I am hoping to write on this blog once a week.  Thank you for taking the time to listen to this mothers breaking heart and thank you for walking this road with us by supporting us with prayers and by just being there for us.