6 Months

This week will be 6 months since Grant passed away!  Really has half a year gone by?  So many things have happened in the last 6 months that just amaze me.  First of all today Tom and I were at Grants grave today and i was hit all of a sudden with this intense emotion and was thinking 6 months ago i did not know how i would make it to the next day the pain and heartache too intense.  But i did make it, here i am 6 months later.  I still hurt deeply and miss my son more then ever, but like i said in a previous blog post the pain is not as bad and i will always miss and grieve for my baby.  The only way i was able to make it these past 6 months is because i depended on the Lord for my every breath, for my every step and even though it was hard at first because i was SO angry at the Lord for allowing Grant to die, i still chose to trust Him and love Him in spite of the hurt and the questions i had.  With the Lords strength and grace i was and i am able to make it.  My faith though once big became deflated in my tragedy but i chose to cling to that muster seed of faith and guess what? With each day the Lord increased my faith little by little.

I know most of you know but God chose to bless Tom and I with another baby.  I did not know if it would ever happen again and i prayed that when and if it happened that it would be in the Lords perfect timing.   And 3 months after Grant went to be with the Lord we got pregnant!  We were shocked!  Well baby #2 is expected to be born 1 year from when Grant was born and died.  This is bittersweet for us.  Will it be hard. Yes. But it will be so good.  I believe that it will be a great time of healing for our hearts. 

With this pregnancy am i scared and nervous? Yes Yes and Yes.  Its hard because there was nothing wrong with Grant, he was perfect...not knowing what caused his death is so frustrating and makes me even more nervous right now.  But just like i trusted the Lord to help me make it each day after his death (and still to this day)  I am trusting the Lord with this baby.  I trust and have faith that i will be able to hold this baby in my arms and hear its beautiful first cries and be able to take this baby home and raise it to be a Godly man or women.  We feel so blessed and honored that God has chosen us to be this child's parents. 

The other day i had an ultrasound and we could see the baby kicking its legs and putting its little hand on its face, and in that moment i feel deeply in love with this child so amazed at the Lords blessings.  Whew what a journey we have been on and will continue on...its just now our journey has taken a new road, and we thank everyone for your love and support.

A friend gave me this poem and i wanted to share it:

Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are

referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow

after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a

rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it

doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing

with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light

has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.