Days.....

My husband and i are the kind of people that remember and or celebrate all the special little and big milestones in our lives. This Tuesday marked 2 weeks since Zachary passed away.  It seems so unreal that it even happened.  He should still be in me, i should at this point be feeling his first kicks and movements in me...in all our ultrasounds he was so active i knew i would be getting lots of kicks and punches from my little guy.  I am mourning over the loss of feeling those special movements that i always loved and looked forward to with my firstborn Grant.  I feel so cheated that this coming Monday the 2nd tom and i wont be learning the gender of our baby and shopping and decorating for his jungle theme nursery...but instead we found out 2 weeks ago that we had a boy when the doctor announced "its a boy" just moments after he had passed away.  There are many more things that i will miss out on...but these are the main ones that are hitting me hard at the moment. I miss him and love him with every fiber in my being.

Today the 28th also holds a memory of my firstborn son Grant that i love.  One year ago today we announced to the world that we were pregnant and that we were due to have the  baby the first week of November. It was the day i saw my baby on the ultrasound screen for the first time and saw that beautiful heart beating so strong.  I was so excited and nervous to let everyone know that we were going to be parents...that the desire of my heart came true after 6 years of praying and seeking God for a child....he answered my prayer.  Sadly as you know that i only got to keep Grant for 30 weeks.  This Friday will mark 7 months since Grant went to be with Jesus.

I just really miss my boys right now and want them to know that i remember those special days and keep them close to my heart.

This is the 8 weeks ultrasound i shared with all my family and friends 1 year ago today.

Daddy holding Grant after he was born

                                              Daddy holding Zachary after he was born

Zachary Thomas Moore

My sweet baby Zachary in his daddys hands

March 13 2012

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

I cant believe i am writing this, i cant even wrap my mind around it.  After 13 hours of labor my 16 week baby boy was born.  There was nothing wrong with him, he was alive until the last final moments of my labor because he was just too young to live.  We don't know what caused the bleeding that made me go into pre-term labor but in the next few months we will try to find out all the answers we can as to what happened.

 I am still in shock that within 6 1/2 months i had 2 beautiful healthy sons pass away before they ever got to take their first breath of life.  Its not fair.  My heart was just starting to heal after Grants death and in a moment that was all taken from me when my son Zachary Thomas Moore was born and did not survive.  I am now grieving for 2 sons, 2 sons that i wanted more then anything in the world, i know it has just been a week but i have moments where i don't think my heart can handle the pain...it is just too intense.  I miss my boys so much.

 As soon as Zachary entered the world i heard the Dr say "its a boy" and then the nurse say "yep there is no doubt about it its a boy!"  Snow had started to lightly fall outside the windows and i looked down at my son who was 5 inches long and perfectly formed with long fingers and big feet (like his brother and daddy) I looked at his profile and he looked so much like his big brother and that made my heart ache.  I watched as my husband held him in the palm of his hand and sang to him "God will make a way" with tears streaming down his face just loving on his son.  I sat there with silent tears asking God "Why?"  Why would you allow for us to face this once again...i really thought that God had blessed us with Zachary, that he remembered our pain and that the month of August was going to be a time of restoration and healing for us.

I cant believe this journey has taken a new direction...a direction that i hate.  but i have no choice.  I am so mad at God right now, but through the anger and bitter tears, i still love Him i still trust Him, sometimes i think how could i trust Him after all this...but i do, i have to, He is the only thing that really helped me make it when Grant passed away and now as i face the loss of my second son i need the Lord more then ever, i need His peace and comfort in a big way.  I have had moments this past week where i feel like God has forgotten about me....and it is a lonely place to be.  But I'm choosing in spite of my deep pain and sorrow to surrender it to the One who is holding my sons in his arms right now.  As we start this new scary journey tom and i ask that you remember us in your prayers. 

I am hoping to write on this blog once a week.  Thank you for taking the time to listen to this mothers breaking heart and thank you for walking this road with us by supporting us with prayers and by just being there for us.

6 Months

This week will be 6 months since Grant passed away!  Really has half a year gone by?  So many things have happened in the last 6 months that just amaze me.  First of all today Tom and I were at Grants grave today and i was hit all of a sudden with this intense emotion and was thinking 6 months ago i did not know how i would make it to the next day the pain and heartache too intense.  But i did make it, here i am 6 months later.  I still hurt deeply and miss my son more then ever, but like i said in a previous blog post the pain is not as bad and i will always miss and grieve for my baby.  The only way i was able to make it these past 6 months is because i depended on the Lord for my every breath, for my every step and even though it was hard at first because i was SO angry at the Lord for allowing Grant to die, i still chose to trust Him and love Him in spite of the hurt and the questions i had.  With the Lords strength and grace i was and i am able to make it.  My faith though once big became deflated in my tragedy but i chose to cling to that muster seed of faith and guess what? With each day the Lord increased my faith little by little.

I know most of you know but God chose to bless Tom and I with another baby.  I did not know if it would ever happen again and i prayed that when and if it happened that it would be in the Lords perfect timing.   And 3 months after Grant went to be with the Lord we got pregnant!  We were shocked!  Well baby #2 is expected to be born 1 year from when Grant was born and died.  This is bittersweet for us.  Will it be hard. Yes. But it will be so good.  I believe that it will be a great time of healing for our hearts. 

With this pregnancy am i scared and nervous? Yes Yes and Yes.  Its hard because there was nothing wrong with Grant, he was perfect...not knowing what caused his death is so frustrating and makes me even more nervous right now.  But just like i trusted the Lord to help me make it each day after his death (and still to this day)  I am trusting the Lord with this baby.  I trust and have faith that i will be able to hold this baby in my arms and hear its beautiful first cries and be able to take this baby home and raise it to be a Godly man or women.  We feel so blessed and honored that God has chosen us to be this child's parents. 

The other day i had an ultrasound and we could see the baby kicking its legs and putting its little hand on its face, and in that moment i feel deeply in love with this child so amazed at the Lords blessings.  Whew what a journey we have been on and will continue on...its just now our journey has taken a new road, and we thank everyone for your love and support.

A friend gave me this poem and i wanted to share it:

Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are

referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow

after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a

rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it

doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing

with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light

has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.

5 Months

Today is 5 months since we said goodbye to Grant.  Sometimes i cant believe that it has been 5 months and then there are times where i feel like it was 5 years ago.  Right now if Grant would have lived he would have a beautiful 3 month old. 

I have found that my grief is not as intense as it was before, i am still grieving...i will ALWAYS grieve for my son, but the deep, paralyzing grief i have had is fading slowly.  I find myself thinking wow its been a week since i cried and then i start to feel guilty.  I know i should not feel guilty the Lord does not want me to feel this way and i know Grant would not either.  This is a lifetime journey.  Its hard, so hard but I'm choosing to walk each day with my Lord, trusting that each moment will get easier, each step i take will go further with Him by my side.

Right now on the 5th month anniversary of his birth/death i am sitting here and just missing my beautiful baby boy, loving him and most importantly remembering him.

Questions

Corrie Ten Boom tells in The Hiding Place:

"My father turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.

“Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?” he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.

“It’s too heavy,” I said.

“Yes,” he said. “And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It’s the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.”

And I was satisfied. More than satisfied — wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions — but now I was content to leave them in my father’s keeping."

When i read this story it reminds me of my relationship with the Lord.  I have so many questions for Him that i  desperately want answered.  Wondering why He allowed me to walk this hard road....But like Corrie Ten Booms father....when i ask the Lord those big questions he is wanting me to know that it is too heavy for me to know and to carry on my own right now.   I need to continually take my questions and heartache and lay them all before the Lord, trusting that He will carry it for me.    Matthew 11:28-30 " “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”    Like Corrie i am learning to be content in leaving all my unanswered questions in my Fathers big safe hands.







Still.....

Still
I would love you with a strong pulse,
but pulse-less, I love you still.

I would love you with a loud cry
that reached through my ears to my heart,
but tearless, you have reached my heart, still.

I would love you with crinkled face of newborn desire,
but with face crinkled from lack of life,
I love you still.

I would love you if your pulsing finger
wrapped 'round mine in a reassuring grasp of need,
but, lifeless, with your 8 month old finger limp on mine
I reassure you with my grasp of need, still.

I wanted your devotion, your love,
your companionship, and irreplaceable relationship,
but with your death,
I am learning compassion for deep scars in others,
and gaining companionships with them in their suffering,
still.

I wish my house rang with your loud cries,
but void of an infant,
our home loves you, still.

I lay in my warm bed at night,
but you lie in a white casket
beneath tonight's' moonbeams,
your spirit in God's presence, still.

I would love you if you were softly
stirring in my arms as I cuddled you close,
but I love you as you are now,
Still.

Author Unknown