5 Months

Today is 5 months since we said goodbye to Grant.  Sometimes i cant believe that it has been 5 months and then there are times where i feel like it was 5 years ago.  Right now if Grant would have lived he would have a beautiful 3 month old. 

I have found that my grief is not as intense as it was before, i am still grieving...i will ALWAYS grieve for my son, but the deep, paralyzing grief i have had is fading slowly.  I find myself thinking wow its been a week since i cried and then i start to feel guilty.  I know i should not feel guilty the Lord does not want me to feel this way and i know Grant would not either.  This is a lifetime journey.  Its hard, so hard but I'm choosing to walk each day with my Lord, trusting that each moment will get easier, each step i take will go further with Him by my side.

Right now on the 5th month anniversary of his birth/death i am sitting here and just missing my beautiful baby boy, loving him and most importantly remembering him.

Questions

Corrie Ten Boom tells in The Hiding Place:

"My father turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.

“Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?” he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.

“It’s too heavy,” I said.

“Yes,” he said. “And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It’s the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.”

And I was satisfied. More than satisfied — wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions — but now I was content to leave them in my father’s keeping."

When i read this story it reminds me of my relationship with the Lord.  I have so many questions for Him that i  desperately want answered.  Wondering why He allowed me to walk this hard road....But like Corrie Ten Booms father....when i ask the Lord those big questions he is wanting me to know that it is too heavy for me to know and to carry on my own right now.   I need to continually take my questions and heartache and lay them all before the Lord, trusting that He will carry it for me.    Matthew 11:28-30 " “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”    Like Corrie i am learning to be content in leaving all my unanswered questions in my Fathers big safe hands.







Still.....

Still
I would love you with a strong pulse,
but pulse-less, I love you still.

I would love you with a loud cry
that reached through my ears to my heart,
but tearless, you have reached my heart, still.

I would love you with crinkled face of newborn desire,
but with face crinkled from lack of life,
I love you still.

I would love you if your pulsing finger
wrapped 'round mine in a reassuring grasp of need,
but, lifeless, with your 8 month old finger limp on mine
I reassure you with my grasp of need, still.

I wanted your devotion, your love,
your companionship, and irreplaceable relationship,
but with your death,
I am learning compassion for deep scars in others,
and gaining companionships with them in their suffering,
still.

I wish my house rang with your loud cries,
but void of an infant,
our home loves you, still.

I lay in my warm bed at night,
but you lie in a white casket
beneath tonight's' moonbeams,
your spirit in God's presence, still.

I would love you if you were softly
stirring in my arms as I cuddled you close,
but I love you as you are now,
Still.

Author Unknown

New Years

I can't believe that this Friday will be 4 months since Grant passed away! And i also cant believe that this is the last week of 2011.  To be honest with you all 2011 has been the best and worst year of my life.  I have so many mixed emotions.  It was the year that i became pregnant with my precious son, bonding with him for 8 months and learning how deep and powerful a love between a child and parent is. Those moments were priceless.  But we all know why it is also the worst, it was also in that year that Grant passed away, it became the worst 4 months of my life (sep-dec.)  I thought that Grant would be with us as we began the new year 2012 but sadly he is not and i miss him so much.

I don't know what 2012 holds for me, i don't even know what tomorrow holds.  But i serve a God who does know and who has and will continue to walk with me on this journey.  Will there continue to be hard days and moments that hurt and make me want to crawl under my covers and hide?  you bet there will be, when i have those moments i know i can hold on just a little tighter to the hand of God as i face things. I also know, somewhere somehow in 2012 there will be times of joy and happiness that will come to me. I serve a good and loving God, even though i don't know why he allowed for my son to die and at times i get so angry at him for allowing it to happen,  I still know he loves me so much and will always be there for me.

 I cant fear 2012 and all its unknowns but i can embrace it, live in it and trust that God has a plan and a purpose for my pain.  I will try daily to live a life that reflects the Lord, i want to live a life that is grateful for what i do have, I want to trust the Lord, even though its hard for me at times.

So as i reflect on 2011 with a heavy and grateful heart i pray that God will bless each one of you with an amazing New Year.

Christmas in Heaven...

Isaiah 9:6-7

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.”

     It is Christmas and though my heart is aching not having my sweet boy with us spending his first Christmas here on earth, I have been wondering what Christmas will be like in heaven for my Grant. How would he be celebrating his first Christmas in his new heavenly home?  If he is anything like his daddy I can see him joining the angels and singing songs of Jesus birth, I can just picture him being the loudest one and that makes this sad mommy’s heart smile.  To be in the awesome presence of his king, knowing what perfect peace really is he will experience it to its fullest measure.  I can see Grant sitting on Jesus’s lap asking him over and over to tell him all about Jesus first Christmas and Jesus smiling down at him in love never tiring of telling the story to my little man.  I can only imagine the joy of celebrating Christmas in the very presence of the Lord and that has given me a peace that has softly quieted this aching heart.

     I am going to be honest, coming into the holiday season is hard and I miss Grant so much and wish that he was here with us celebrating his first Christmas on earth.  But he is in heaven with Jesus and as I celebrate my first Christmas without my son I will choose to put my focus on Christ.  Remembering that Christmas is all about Jesus, knowing that if it was not for his birth I would not have the assurance that I will be in heaven with my boy.  So with a heart that is still breaking I will worship the Lord and praise his name because I know my little boy is doing just the same.

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

“I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below,
with tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away that tear,
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart,
but I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones. You know I hold you dear,
and be glad I'm spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all "Love" is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most import in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
for I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.
So, have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I'm spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.”

Author Unknown

Article I found on Surviving the Holidays after Loss

HOLIDAYS--- SURVIVAL or DEFEAT?

By Kay Bevington, Van Wert, OH

Editor

Alive Alone

The forthcoming holidays are often the most

difficult times of the year for bereaved parents,

now childless.

I have some suggestions that will hopefully

assist you during this season. My husband and I

have attempted some of the following since our

daughter, Rhonda, died and others are ideas from

other bereaved friends.

YOU WILL SURVIVE the HOLIDAYS!

Those first few years of bereavement cause us

to think that we’ll certainly die without our

child/children. You may not be able to ENJOY

the holiday but rest assured that there will be a

day in your future when you’ll be able to once

again gain

some pleasure from them. It will

never be the same without your child/children

but you will learn to cope and reinvest in others

and have a life again.

PLAN AHEAD

It helps to have a plan for some of the events

that are fast approaching. Think about and plan

fort these next few weeks. Decide what

YOU

want to do and let those who are close to you

know what

YOU need. The decisions you make

will depend upon your individual circumstances.

Adult family/friends should be able to better

understand your need for change but some will

be reluctant to changes.

CHANGE

Sometimes changing where and when holidays

are celebrated helps. Family gatherings do NOT

have to be on Thanksgiving, Christmas Day or

Hannukah. Whatever religious holiday or family

holiday you celebrate these same principles can

apply to you. Perhaps your family would agree

to have one gathering this year between the two

holidays. Just because you’ve always hosted the

gatherings at your house in the past does not

mean it has to be the same. Inform your family

that you’re unable to do this and tell them you

will be having it at a restaurant this year or ask

another family member to do it for you. Having

the holiday gatherings at a different time also

permits you to ‘escape’ to a warmer climate, take

a cruise, or just “hibernate” to avoid the

excitement of these holidays. You will take your

grief with you if you plan a time away from

home but OFTEN the intensity of the pain

lessens in a different environment. There are

other bereaved parents in your circumstance who

would love to accompany you with whatever you

decide to do. Join some support groups to meet

these people.

HELP OTHERS

Some people decide to work in local food

kitchens on these special days. Many who’ve

done this say it helped them focus on what they

have and had and to see that life is often more

painful and difficult for others. It also makes us

feel so much better when we give of ourselves to

others.

Some families use the money they would have

spent on their deceased child to purchase food,

clothing, toys, etc. for an underprivileged child

or family.

DECORATING

If you feel your home needs to decorated for

the holidays but you can not muster the courage

or energy to do it then ask a friend or family

member to assist or do it for you. You may want

to consider decorating a tree for the gravesite

instead or in addition to what you do at home.

Do what is best for you and those currently

residing at your home.

ATTENDING SPECIAL EVENTS

What do you do about these special events?

Go to them if you think you’d like to but inform

your hostess that you may need to ‘escape’

inconspicuously if you can not handle it. Think

about and look for others who are having a

difficult time during the holidays and plan to

attend or sit with them. It helps to have someone

nearby who truly understands. The events are

healing for some and painful for others. You

will find that your feelings about these change

from year to year.

Let your family & friends know how you feel

this year. If you wish to attend, warn them in

advance that you will probably cry, but assure

them that it is important for you to cry and talk

about your child. Let them know that they do

NOT CAUSE your sadness. Even though tears

are shed you MAY feel better later after having

Continued on next page

HOLIDAYS continued from previous page

an opportunity to get away from home. If you

just want to sit by the fireside and not attend

these festivities then let them know that you

appreciate their thoughtfulness and that in

another year you will appreciate the opportunity

to decide once again.

GREETING CARDS

You may want to consider purchasing printed

holiday greetings now, use computer labels to

address them, and type a letter talking about your

child and your grief. Do them NOW and set

them aside until it’s time to mail them. IF you’d

like others to share pleasant memories with you

about your child, ask them to write a sentence or

two and send to you with your greeting card.

These can be placed in a stocking or a special

gift box. These messages can be read privately

or aloud at a family gathering. Tears will be

shed (which is a catharsis for us) but there will

also be pleasant memories and laughter. Some

people have used their child’s photo or last

family photo on their return address labels. I had

several phone calls and notes the last time after

using Rhonda’s photo on our return address

labels thanking us for the opportunity to see her

photo again after so many years since her death.

ATTENDING WORSHP SERVICES

Often bereaved parents will say that music

and worship services are the most difficult to

attend after a child’s death. We may be angry at

God and we most definitely feel cheated when

other families seem to be intact and ours is not.

Loneliness and unfairness are our feelings and

often cause despair. IF you are able to attend the

annual services of your place of worship you

may want to sit near the aisle or at the back so

you can have an easy escape route and not be

‘hemmed into the middle’. Sometimes attending

these services are steps toward healing for us but

each of us are different and know our own

timetable the best.

REMEMBERING YOUR CHILD

You might want to purchase a special candle in

memory of your child. Light the candle daily

from Thanksgiving through Christmas. Many

people take these special candles to the Candle

Lighting Services that their local support groups

have during the holidays. Some choose to use

the candles given to them during this service and

make a special table decoration with it for the

holiday. Either way we re sharing the love of

our child with others by lighting these candles.

Some have taken clothing of their child and

had them cut and designed for a doll or bear.

These dolls and bears can be given to other

family members and friends. Buttons from

clothing can be made into pins and given to

ladies who are relatives or friends of the

deceased. Jewelry can be melted, redesigned and

sized for others to wear. See your local jeweler

as they often have excellent ideas about how to

make new items using the good jewelry that

belonged to your child. Be creative and think of

ways that you can use the belongings of ryour

child to create something new that will help

others to remember him or her. What a

wonderful means of commemorating the life of

your child and these become valued treasures to

other family members and friends.

Whether this is your first year of bereavement

or if it has been several years since your child

died you will find that you WILL survive the

holidays You can gain some small pleasures if

you plan to include the memories of your child

in your holidays.

Christmas Wish

We are not doing Christmas cards this year but i wanted to share a Christmas poem i found with all those who read my blog.

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CHRISTMAS WISH 

The heart of Christmas is hope We need hope. We need Christmas! The New Year gives us time. We need time to grieve. But most of all to Heal. I wish you the gift of peace from an aching heart; I wish you the gift of strength for the day, I wish you the gift of recognition, I wish you the gift of remembrance, I wish you the gift of care, I wish you the gift of belonging, These are the gifts I wrap in prayer, And lovingly send your way. May the memories of this Season Come on Gentle Wings and Bring you, your family and friends Love and Peace. ~author unknown~