10 Months

"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."

John 16:22

It has been 10 months since Grant was born and went to be with Jesus.  It is hard to believe that in 2 months it will be 1 year!  A year ago i was filled with so much joy, hope and excitment.  If i look back and think of all that has happend in the past year that can get so overwhelming...Ann VosKamp wrote the following which sums up what i am feeling right now and i wanted to share it with you.



"When a sparrow gets caught behind the couch, it’s the light at the other end, behind the poor thing, that we keep trying to turn that one pounding heart towards.
Because the thing is and don’t I know it: If you’re turned the wrong way, you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So I’m kneeled on the floor in front of a pounding-heart bird and the moment, it’s a prayer for the sparrow and for me and for all the overwhelmed ones lost and turned around and looking for a way out:
Lord God — of all the world, You see the sparrows —
us with the messy nests who are welcome at Your altar,
us with the loneliness who are encircled in Your care,
us with the smallness who are remembered and held and never forgotten
before the God who has an eye for all the Sparrows.
So sparrows don’t stress. Because they trust. Your Will is better than our ways.
So sparrows don’t hurry. Because they don’t fear. Your altar is better than our agendas.
So sparrows don’t worry — Because they are Yours.
Your sovereignty is better than the skies.
Simplicity doesn’t mean we will live uncomplicated lives. Simplicity is a matter of Focus — the grace to focus our lives simply on Christ.
Be our sole Focus, our only Hope, our deepest Joy —
That we may abandon all the worries… and abide in all Your Word —
Those pages that open up like wings.

And the sparrow, it turns right there on the floor behind the couch, turns towards the window — focuses and sees — and we witness it.
How a sparrow can fall to the ground –
and still fly again."

Baby Boy

20 weeks...he was breech

One year ago today i had an ultrasound and this ultrasound is the picture above declaring that i was having a BOY!  I was so happy! I wanted a boy so badly and when the tech told us within 30 seconds of our ultrasound the gender i was overwhelmed with joy.  My baby was a boy and he now has a name... "Grant Thomas" 

Every time i saw something blue my eyes would spot it right away, i loved shopping for his cute little clothes and toys.  Decorating his nursery was so fun for me, it was also a time of bonding with Grant, i would tell him everything i was doing and whenever i would walk by his bookshelf i would take out a book and read it to my sweet little guy.  I would walk by his crib with anticipation that in less then 20 weeks he would be sleeping there.  I would be changing his diapers at his changing station.  I would hold his blankets in my arms dreaming and looking forward to holding his sweet little body in those blankets. 

                                                        My 23 week baby belly

 I miss my Grant so much...i cant believe that in almost 2 months it will be the 1 year anniversary of his birth and death.  He will be spending his first birthday in heaven....he will be spending all of his birthdays in heaven. 

Today we went to his grave and in the flower arrangement i made for him and his brother there are 2 pin wheels and they were not moving..they were standing still.  A moment later the sun came out from behind the clouds and a gush of wind came and those pinwheels were spinning so fast they looked like a sparkling rainbow of diamonds.  In that moment i got a picture in my head of Grant and Zachary running in heaven together holding those pinwheels, laughing and having the best time.  I started to smile....my heart started to warm up with that thought.  Thank you Jesus that when i am in  a moment of reflection and deep grief you allow me to have that moment where i can just get a glimpse into heavens glory.

                          Pictures of Grants Nursery- The only thing left was to add curtains.

Fathers Day 2012

Tom holding Grant right after he was born

                                                     Tom holding Zachary after he was born

Tom holding Zachary in his casket

This weekend is Fathers Day.  My heart is full of sorrow knowing that our 2 son's will not be here to celebrate and honor their daddy on this day.  My heart aches knowing that Tom will not get the chance to raise our boys.  I know he would have always held them in his arms, watching cartoons with them, telling them at least 20 times a day how much he loves them, he would be chasing Grant around the house...(by now Grant would be mobile and would have been crawling everywhere!)  Trying to teach them rhythm with little baby drum sets :) Hearing their laughter echo through our home would have been the most amazing sound ever! 

But those dreams and hopes are gone....and we are learning to let those dreams go....we will never let our sons go...but the dreams we had for their lives are what we are learning to release. It is hard.

When both of our boys were born the memory's that stick out to me the most is that of Tom holding them in his arms and walking around the hospital room, talking, praying and singing over their bodies...pouring his love out to them, with tears of sorrow flowing down his cheek.  It was a beautiful sight and i can't wait til i can see Tom holding them in heaven..this time they will be alive and i can only imagine what Joy's we will feel in that moment!

I love and cherish the memory that i have of memorizing their precious bodies.  Grant and Zachary had my nose but everything else was Tom.  If you looked at our baby pictures Grant looks like a mini Tom (except tom was bald as a baby and Grant had LOTS of hair)

 Even in death Tom is an amazing Dad to our son's.  When it was time to bury them he did everything in his power to make sure they got the best of everything, that they were honored.  Even now once a week he takes the time to clean their gravestone..making sure they look nice.  I wish that this Fathers Day was different...but we have a gentle peace knowing that our boys are with our heavenly father, that He is holding them in his arms.

Happy Father's day to my amazing husband!

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Eileen Knight Hagemeister

9 Years

On this day 9 years ago Tom Moore II asked me to be his girlfriend and i said yes.  The 9 years have been full of great joys and deep sorrows. 

When i was a little girl i made up a list of all the qualities i wanted in my future husband...i even wrote what i wanted him to look like too! lol.  I am happy to say that on that list there were 30 things that i wanted in my future husband and Tom met and exceeded that list. God gave me my hearts desire by giving and blessing me with Tom as my husband. 

There is no one else i would ever want to walk this road with.  God knew the journey that my life would take and he knew that i needed a very special man to walk it with.  Tom loves me unconditionally...he has always and i mean always been gentle with me in speech and in actions, he works so hard to provide me a good life.  He holds my hand when life gets scary and promises to honor and love me in all he does. I am so blessed!

  As we celebrate 9 years of being together we celebrate it with a heavy heart.  Wishing that our sons could be here with us. Remembering that this day also holds the fact that it has been 3 months since our second son Zachary went to be with Jesus.  This life has many ups and downs but i am so thankful to be walking this road with Tom by my side and the Lord as our guide.  To my husband i say thank you for guarding, honoring and protecting my heart...every day you make me feel like a princess. I love you!

Tom and I June 2003

                                                        Tom and I present day 2012