A Rainbow In The Midst Of A Storm....7 Months

Tonight at 7:30pm will officially be 7 months since our first son Grant Thomas went to be with Jesus....

Yesterday I prayed that while I was out and about that God would show me a sign, a sign that my heart would recognize letting me know that my boys are safe in heaven with the Lord.  I was in the car with my friend it was raining out and I looked out the window and the whole time we were  driving I saw a beautiful rainbow…never in my life have I seen a rainbow during the rain…(it is always seen after the rain it is Gods way of telling us that he would never flood the earth again.)  But to see that rainbow during the storm I felt was a sign from God letting me know that he has Grant and Zachary both safely in his arms and that even though what Tom and I are going through is the worst thing anyone could face, God has shown me also speaking in symbolism…that throughout the stormy times He will always provide me a rainbow and give me a promise that He is there…even though it seems like my life is out of control….He is in control and will guide us through the deep pain and suffering and will take away the pain that makes it hard to breathe and he will heal our hearts that seem broken beyond repair and use that brokenness that will be healed as a place where we can help others who need the healing power of the Lord too.

  It is not easy..the devil has made it clear that he does not want the Lord to heal us…but he has no power and authority over our lives..but he still has tried to make this healing time more difficult for us…but when i stand up to the devil with all the authority given to me in Christ he has to leave...he may try all he can to get to us, to have us turn our backs on God,  he wont win....we will NEVER do that.  The more I lean on the Lord for support and love him and choose to worship Him in in spite of my questions and my anger at him for allowing my sons to die…he then gives me a special grace to walk this hard road and a peace that will help to quiet the storm that surrounds me...I am not saying it is or will be easy...its hard so unbelievably hard to do...I am thankful that i serve a God who knows its hard and that i am weak...but 2 Corinthians 12:9 says that “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Days.....

My husband and i are the kind of people that remember and or celebrate all the special little and big milestones in our lives. This Tuesday marked 2 weeks since Zachary passed away.  It seems so unreal that it even happened.  He should still be in me, i should at this point be feeling his first kicks and movements in me...in all our ultrasounds he was so active i knew i would be getting lots of kicks and punches from my little guy.  I am mourning over the loss of feeling those special movements that i always loved and looked forward to with my firstborn Grant.  I feel so cheated that this coming Monday the 2nd tom and i wont be learning the gender of our baby and shopping and decorating for his jungle theme nursery...but instead we found out 2 weeks ago that we had a boy when the doctor announced "its a boy" just moments after he had passed away.  There are many more things that i will miss out on...but these are the main ones that are hitting me hard at the moment. I miss him and love him with every fiber in my being.

Today the 28th also holds a memory of my firstborn son Grant that i love.  One year ago today we announced to the world that we were pregnant and that we were due to have the  baby the first week of November. It was the day i saw my baby on the ultrasound screen for the first time and saw that beautiful heart beating so strong.  I was so excited and nervous to let everyone know that we were going to be parents...that the desire of my heart came true after 6 years of praying and seeking God for a child....he answered my prayer.  Sadly as you know that i only got to keep Grant for 30 weeks.  This Friday will mark 7 months since Grant went to be with Jesus.

I just really miss my boys right now and want them to know that i remember those special days and keep them close to my heart.

This is the 8 weeks ultrasound i shared with all my family and friends 1 year ago today.

Daddy holding Grant after he was born

                                              Daddy holding Zachary after he was born

Zachary Thomas Moore

My sweet baby Zachary in his daddys hands

March 13 2012

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

I cant believe i am writing this, i cant even wrap my mind around it.  After 13 hours of labor my 16 week baby boy was born.  There was nothing wrong with him, he was alive until the last final moments of my labor because he was just too young to live.  We don't know what caused the bleeding that made me go into pre-term labor but in the next few months we will try to find out all the answers we can as to what happened.

 I am still in shock that within 6 1/2 months i had 2 beautiful healthy sons pass away before they ever got to take their first breath of life.  Its not fair.  My heart was just starting to heal after Grants death and in a moment that was all taken from me when my son Zachary Thomas Moore was born and did not survive.  I am now grieving for 2 sons, 2 sons that i wanted more then anything in the world, i know it has just been a week but i have moments where i don't think my heart can handle the pain...it is just too intense.  I miss my boys so much.

 As soon as Zachary entered the world i heard the Dr say "its a boy" and then the nurse say "yep there is no doubt about it its a boy!"  Snow had started to lightly fall outside the windows and i looked down at my son who was 5 inches long and perfectly formed with long fingers and big feet (like his brother and daddy) I looked at his profile and he looked so much like his big brother and that made my heart ache.  I watched as my husband held him in the palm of his hand and sang to him "God will make a way" with tears streaming down his face just loving on his son.  I sat there with silent tears asking God "Why?"  Why would you allow for us to face this once again...i really thought that God had blessed us with Zachary, that he remembered our pain and that the month of August was going to be a time of restoration and healing for us.

I cant believe this journey has taken a new direction...a direction that i hate.  but i have no choice.  I am so mad at God right now, but through the anger and bitter tears, i still love Him i still trust Him, sometimes i think how could i trust Him after all this...but i do, i have to, He is the only thing that really helped me make it when Grant passed away and now as i face the loss of my second son i need the Lord more then ever, i need His peace and comfort in a big way.  I have had moments this past week where i feel like God has forgotten about me....and it is a lonely place to be.  But I'm choosing in spite of my deep pain and sorrow to surrender it to the One who is holding my sons in his arms right now.  As we start this new scary journey tom and i ask that you remember us in your prayers. 

I am hoping to write on this blog once a week.  Thank you for taking the time to listen to this mothers breaking heart and thank you for walking this road with us by supporting us with prayers and by just being there for us.