Monday, January 30, 2012

5 Months

Today is 5 months since we said goodbye to Grant.  Sometimes i cant believe that it has been 5 months and then there are times where i feel like it was 5 years ago.  Right now if Grant would have lived he would have a beautiful 3 month old. 

I have found that my grief is not as intense as it was before, i am still grieving...i will ALWAYS grieve for my son, but the deep, paralyzing grief i have had is fading slowly.  I find myself thinking wow its been a week since i cried and then i start to feel guilty.  I know i should not feel guilty the Lord does not want me to feel this way and i know Grant would not either.  This is a lifetime journey.  Its hard, so hard but I'm choosing to walk each day with my Lord, trusting that each moment will get easier, each step i take will go further with Him by my side.

Right now on the 5th month anniversary of his birth/death i am sitting here and just missing my beautiful baby boy, loving him and most importantly remembering him.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Questions

Corrie Ten Boom tells in The Hiding Place:

"My father turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.
“Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?” he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.
“It’s too heavy,” I said.
“Yes,” he said. “And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It’s the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.”
And I was satisfied. More than satisfied — wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions — but now I was content to leave them in my father’s keeping."


When i read this story it reminds me of my relationship with the Lord.  I have so many questions for Him that i  desperately want answered.  Wondering why He allowed me to walk this hard road....But like Corrie Ten Booms father....when i ask the Lord those big questions he is wanting me to know that it is too heavy for me to know and to carry on my own right now.   I need to continually take my questions and heartache and lay them all before the Lord, trusting that He will carry it for me.    Matthew 11:28-30 " “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”    Like Corrie i am learning to be content in leaving all my unanswered questions in my Fathers big safe hands.





Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Still.....

Still
I would love you with a strong pulse,
but pulse-less, I love you still.

I would love you with a loud cry
that reached through my ears to my heart,
but tearless, you have reached my heart, still.

I would love you with crinkled face of newborn desire,
but with face crinkled from lack of life,
I love you still.

I would love you if your pulsing finger
wrapped 'round mine in a reassuring grasp of need,
but, lifeless, with your 8 month old finger limp on mine
I reassure you with my grasp of need, still.

I wanted your devotion, your love,
your companionship, and irreplaceable relationship,
but with your death,
I am learning compassion for deep scars in others,
and gaining companionships with them in their suffering,
still.

I wish my house rang with your loud cries,
but void of an infant,
our home loves you, still.

I lay in my warm bed at night,
but you lie in a white casket
beneath tonight's' moonbeams,
your spirit in God's presence, still.

I would love you if you were softly
stirring in my arms as I cuddled you close,
but I love you as you are now,
Still.

Author Unknown