1 Year

 

video of Grant

 

August 30, 2012

 

Dear Grant,

I miss you so much baby! I want you to know that I think about you all the time, you are always in the forefront of my thoughts and so present and strong in my heart. Never in my life have I wanted anything more than you! My heart is so broken that you were not able to stay here on earth. I want you back, I want you in my arms right now, but I know that I have to wait until it is my turn to go to heaven before I can hold you again.

The eight months that I carried you, I want you to know, were the happiest times of my life. I miss you kicking me and reacting to loud noises at the movie theater. I will always remember when we saw the “Planet of the Apes” preview and it was so loud. You kicked me every time the volume increased. I miss how you made me crave chocolate cake! I hate cake and that is all I wanted to eat when I was carrying you! I miss your soft skin and your cute little button nose. I miss your stubborn personality. Whenever they would try to take an ultrasound, you never cooperated! Although, you did show us you were a boy right away! I just miss everything about you! I had so many hopes and dreams for you Grant.

I wish you could have seen your nursery; I decorated it in classic Winnie the Pooh with blue and green accents. You would have loved our dog Zoey and Samson the cat; they would have been your best buds. I so wish that you could have met all the family and friends that were looking forward to meeting you and that love you so much. But I know that in heaven you are with our loved ones who have passed. I hope Jesus told you about me and your daddy and how much we love you.

You, my son are so special and so important to me. Even though death separates us right now, my love for you continues to grow stronger every day because you are my son. I want you to know that if I was able to, I would have laid down my life if it meant you could have lived. But you are home, you are with Jesus now and as much as my heart grieves and longs for you, I know that you are ok, you are more than ok, you Grant are perfect.

Even though I only had eight short months with you, I look forward to a time when I will have all of eternity to get to know you and hold you and just love on you. I will miss you and grieve for you until I see you again. Grant, I will ALWAYS remember you. Forever and for always I will love you my sweet baby boy.

Love you to the moon, and back again,

Mommy

5 months...Zachary

It has been 5 months since we had to say goodbye to Zachary! I cant believe it has been that long!  I am almost in shock that in a little over 2 weeks it will be Grants first birthday and 1st anniversary of him going home to heaven.  I found this song that speaks deeply to my heart and wanted to share it with you.

                                                       
                                                    Steady my heart by Kari Jobe

11 Months....Grant

11 months! We are one month away from when my beautiful baby boy Grant was born and went to be with Jesus August 30th 2011.

Grant Thomas Moore right after he was born and went to be with Jesus

                                                 Me pregnant with Grant this time last year
In the past (almost) year i have been a very reflective person...something that i have noticed about "The Old Me" the me before my sons passed away is i was a person who only really came to the Lord when i needed him.  I have served the Lord my whole life, but i see that i used Him only when i thought i needed Him.  Truth is i always needed Him but i was so focused on my self and my surroundings and wanting to be in control of everything that i only went to Him when it was a situation that was out of my control.  That makes me so sad that i did that because i missed out on so much!

After my sweet baby boy Grant passed away i choose to cling to the Lord and even when things were going good in my life, for example when i so quickly got pregnant with my 2nd son Zachary i still went to the Lord daily...asking Him to be in control of my day of my life, i would seek his face daily.  In the process i fell deeply in love with Jesus...its a feeling i cant explain...i have loved Jesus since i was 4 years old but i am now so deeply, passionately in love with Christ.  When i went into pre-term labor with Zachary at 16 weeks, i felt all the same feelings of loss and  grief that i experienced with Grant...but it was different...because even though i did not understand and my heart was broken i looked to Jesus in my brokenness and was filled with his perfect peace and love.


This past year has brought a heartache that i pray to God you will never have to face...but through it all my relationship with Jesus has been made stronger, He is my rock that i stand upon when my world starts shaking.  He is my foundation that i put my hope and trust in when it seems like everything is falling apart.  He is my closest friend whom i can cry out to and know that He knows, He understands and He weeps with me holding me close in his arms. He is  providing a great healing to my heart, a healing that can only come from Him.  When i feel too weak to take the next step He is there giving me a strength that is greater then i on my own could have.  He knows my future, my purpose and  He promises to guide me and revel things to me in His timing not my own.

I am noticing that as i continue to take steps forward the Lord is blessing me, He is providing great opportunities and bringing people into my life that are such an amazing blessing.  Last blog i mentioned that i had a breakthrough with feeling joy and taking the next step without feeling guilt and in that course of the week the Lord has blessed my husband and i SO much.  I am excited to see what God does and how He works everything out for His purposes and Plans. 

Jeremiah 29:11-13

 ^"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Joy

It has been awhile since i have written a blog about where i am on this grief journey and i experienced something yesterday for the first time in almost 11 months that i wanted to share.

Yesterday i was able to get out of town for the day with some of our closest friends and guess what...for the first time in almost 11 months i had genuine fun! I allowed for all my walls to fall down and i enjoyed my day, i enjoyed every activity without feeling guilt.  Those nagging feelings of guilt for doing things that would indicate that i am moving forward with life and my boys are not alive and with me physically here on earth.  Those can be hard to ignore

But i know that my children will ALWAYS be a part of my life, they will always be etched deeply into my heart.  I will carry their memory with me every moment i take a breath, with each step i take because they are a part of me.

Will i have my moments when my walls are built up and i feel guilty about enjoying life? Yes..it will be part of my grief journey always..but i know that with each step i move forward it will get a little bit easier, the guilt will slowly fade away.  I am just thrilled that i had that breakthrough yesterday.  It was such an amazing feeling.

This grief journey is hard, its overwhelming, its messy but at times it can be peaceful and so beautiful.  The peace i am talking about is when I'm siting at my boys grave on a warm summer afternoon and i look at the sky and i talk with the Lord, spend time with him, remembering, honoring my little guys, worshiping the Lord and thanking Him that He and He alone has helped me make it this far.

 I look at the pinwheels that we put in the flower baskets at the boys graves, i watch it spin with all its beautiful colors reflecting off the sun, and i can see such a clear picture in my head of my boys running through heaven with those pinwheels, laughing, having the best time, truly knowing and understanding the Joy of the Lord as they play in his presence.

The moments of beauty is when i look back when i was in the hospital almost 11 months ago when Grant died and i wondered how can i do this? how can i survive this loss?  How can i handle this pain that will always ache? 

I sit here typing with tears in my eyes as i write this response..I have made it this far and will continue on towards greater healing and restoration because i have Jesus, because i have made Him the Lord of my life and have chosen to follow Him when i could have turned my back on Him, when i could have said its too hard...i could have allowed for bitterness to consume me but I chose Jesus!He first chose me, He created me, He loves me more then i deserve, He knows ME the good and bad parts and still loved me enough to die for me in order to take away my sins so i can spend eternity with Him!

He has walked through this journey with me, He will continue to walk this journey with me always. I cant and refuse to do this without the Lord. He is taking the ashes of my life and turning the mess into something beautiful for His glory.  I dont know what that is or what it will look like but He does and i can trust in that.

Thank you sweet Jesus for helping, me walking with me and helping take away the walls i have built up so i can truly experience this life and the joy that you desire for me to receive.

4 Months...Zachary

July 13th 2012

I went into a store the other day to look around and siting on a random pile of things with no other books in sight was this book tittled "Guess How Much I Miss You" My heart skipped a beat...did i read this correctly?  My most favorite book that i read to Grant  and Zachary all through my pregnancy's and the book that was read at Zachary's funeral was "Guess How Much I Love You"  I grabbed the book off the shelf...looked at the price and it was the only one in the store and it was on sale for four dollars! (originally $22)  I was so excited! I cant wait to take this book to the cemetery and read it to my boys!  It was a special moment for me, i know the Lord placed it there for me as a special gift..even though it may not seem like something amazing...to me it was a special blessing that i appreciate and that speaks to my heart.

 I wanted to share the words of the book with you...keep in mind that it is a children's book with a big bear talking to a baby bear.

"You know that i love you more then words could ever say.  But do you know how much i miss you when I'm far away?  I miss you more then the flowers would miss the sun.  I miss you more than a squirrel would miss his favorite tree.  I miss you more then the eagles would miss the chance to fly.  I miss you more than a dolphin  would miss the sea.  I miss you every day that we're apart, but don't feel too blue....because i know that with each day, I'm one day closer to seeing you."

Missing my 2nd son, my baby Zachary

(Photo from Zachary's Memorial Service)

Time

I was going though a box of things that had been packed away for years.  I even found my diary that i wrote when i was dating my husband. When i read it i laughed so much at what 20 year old me wrote.  It is so funny how we think we know it all and think are so wise and when we look back we see how silly and young we really were! 

Something else that i found was a watch i used to wear when i was younger, it was so ugly...i am almost too embarrassed to mention it but it was a men's casio sports watch that had a calculator on it! Do you remember those? Mine was not sleek and pretty but big and bulky...but back in the day i thought i was so cool because it had a calculator!

When i was going through that box it brought back memories that made me smile, it brought me back to a time in life that was so simple...my biggest worry and concern was passing my classes in school and wondering if Tom would be my boyfriend!  I wish that life could be as simple as that now, but it is not...i am an adult and with that comes responsibilities.

 Things are different now, not just because of adult responsibilities...i wish that was the case.  My life has changed and will forever be changed because my 2 sons passed away...my future looks different...it still has amazing possibilities for great things to happen..but along with those great things i will always have a part of me that is missing, i will always be a mom missing and longing for my boys, nothing can change that till i am reunited with them in heaven.

The reason why i brought up the watch is because it had me think about time.  Something that i have learned on this journey is that time is so precious...life is so fragile...none of us know how much time we have on this earth and that is what makes it so special.  My baby boys only had little time on this earth, but that 30 weeks and 16 weeks of their lives were important and so precious..i will remember and honor their beautiful lives always.  Even though their lives here on earth were cut short i know that they are alive right now in heaven and that brings a peace to my heart.

Throughout this journey i have learned and found some important things regarding time that i wanted to share.

1. Our time belongs to God -

Psalms 139:16  'Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
This scripture is so beautiful and so intimate.  God knows, He is the creator of all things.  He knows whether we will live 1 day on this earth or 100 years.  As we walk this road of life i dare you to look at your day planner or calender or look back on your week and is spending time with the Lord your main priority in life? Do you set aside time just for Him in your day? Our time belongs to the Lord.

2. Time is for relationships-

Philippians 2:2-4 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." 
We should spend our time in relationship with others, God is our first priority but after Him our family should come next.  And thirdly spending time with friends and other believers, loving and encouraging one another is so important.  Making memories and spending quality time with those we love is a precious gift we have been given and should not take for granted. God created us to have relationship with Him and with others.

3. Time can be savored-

We live in a faced paced world and before we know it time has slipped by us and we stop and think was all the busyness and the schedules worth it?  Life is going to happen, we will all have seasons where life is so fast paced we forget what month or year we are in...and it can get overwhelming trying to bring balance into a life of chaos.  God wants us to enjoy our lives!  It is important to take the time to savor even the small things in life and give thanks to the One who created it all for us. It is so easy to miss out on all the amazing things the Lord has for us when we get lost in our busy schedules. 
If you are eating a really amazingly rich desert you don't just gobble it down quickly, you take your time, you enjoy, savor each bite of your yummy food.  Life is like that desert it is rich and full of goodness and we just have to make ourselves take the time to enjoy it and to savor the moments.

 

To be able to do those things we need to let go of our "watches" metaphorically speaking and open up our hearts, our minds and our hands to the Lord knowing that he is in control of our time hear on earth and it is our responsibility to use it well.  We should live a life of love, letting others see Christ reflected in our lives until it is time for our life here on earth to end and we are then able to go home to heaven and begin to fully live..with Christ for eternity.

10 Months

"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."

John 16:22

It has been 10 months since Grant was born and went to be with Jesus.  It is hard to believe that in 2 months it will be 1 year!  A year ago i was filled with so much joy, hope and excitment.  If i look back and think of all that has happend in the past year that can get so overwhelming...Ann VosKamp wrote the following which sums up what i am feeling right now and i wanted to share it with you.



"When a sparrow gets caught behind the couch, it’s the light at the other end, behind the poor thing, that we keep trying to turn that one pounding heart towards.
Because the thing is and don’t I know it: If you’re turned the wrong way, you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So I’m kneeled on the floor in front of a pounding-heart bird and the moment, it’s a prayer for the sparrow and for me and for all the overwhelmed ones lost and turned around and looking for a way out:
Lord God — of all the world, You see the sparrows —
us with the messy nests who are welcome at Your altar,
us with the loneliness who are encircled in Your care,
us with the smallness who are remembered and held and never forgotten
before the God who has an eye for all the Sparrows.
So sparrows don’t stress. Because they trust. Your Will is better than our ways.
So sparrows don’t hurry. Because they don’t fear. Your altar is better than our agendas.
So sparrows don’t worry — Because they are Yours.
Your sovereignty is better than the skies.
Simplicity doesn’t mean we will live uncomplicated lives. Simplicity is a matter of Focus — the grace to focus our lives simply on Christ.
Be our sole Focus, our only Hope, our deepest Joy —
That we may abandon all the worries… and abide in all Your Word —
Those pages that open up like wings.

And the sparrow, it turns right there on the floor behind the couch, turns towards the window — focuses and sees — and we witness it.
How a sparrow can fall to the ground –
and still fly again."